In this article, I continue my exploration of costumes that took the whole 'slutty' thing too far. Way too far.
10. Slutty Zombie Girl Scout
The juxtaposition of zombies and girl scouts isn't even the most disturbing part of this costume.
Girl scouts present a major problem for the adult male. Their outfit combines everything we love about the Catholic school girl (tight skirt, leggings, button down shirt) with a fresh and Stewardess-like clean uniform (i.e., mile high fantasy). And they show up at your door at night offering you cookies. The fact that the girl with the box of cookies is exactly that, just a girl, is difficult for us to process after all the other intangibles. The male mind, you see, is pretty dumb. It might be a twelve year old trying to force an extra box of thin mints on you, but our brains have already stuffed Megan Fox into the outfit and tied up that shirt into a Daisy Duke like knot. But all of this is unspoken, you see. We just channel our unwholesome energy instead into devouring a case of Samoas and checking out the den mother idling in the bushes just to make sure you donít try to grab anything besides empty calories. But this costume says, no fuck that. Girl Scouts are hot. 12 year old girls are hot. And you know what else is hot? Necrophilia, so let's make her a fucking zombie, too!
The closest you'll come to matching the awkwardness produced by this costume is going to lunch with your uncle with the enormous goiter on his neck that is never talked about and having him suddenly take off his shirt and give you a lap dance.
9. Slutty Buzz Lightyear
"To infinity and..." Oh, I see what you did there.
Maybe the producers of this slutty, screen printed mini-skirt parading as a Halloween costume didn't see any of the Toy Story films, but they're about childhood, and innocence, and holding on to that innocence for as long as you can. Letting a kid see you in this dress would be a sure-fire way to have child protective services at your door for corrupting a minor.
I do like the way the marketing department said screw it and focused right in on the model's breasts. There's no accessories for this spaceman costume, no helmet, or boots, or laser-- just synthetic fabric and a pair of tightly wrapped boobs.
8. Slutty Minion
I've never seen the movie!
7. Slutty Monsters, inc.
If only this is what the monster in my closet really looked like.
But that was after hours and off camera. That's his time.
I will not ruin this image with a caption.
What bothers me about this costume isn't just that it's turning a beloved icon into a go-go dancer in Tim Burton's version of Moulin Rouge. It's the natural assumption on the costume maker's part that no woman would want to drape herself head to toe in plush (thereby hiding her goodies) and look like a walking version of a Build-a-Bear. That's an experience nobody should be denied.
6. Slutty My Little Pony
If you squeeze her, rainbows come out of her boobs.
5. Slutty Snow White
I'm not even going to bother pointing out the Eve/Apple references here.
4. Slutty Sock Monkey
I finally get the whole Plushie fetish.
Socks? Victorian Era? Arts and Crafts? Monkeys? If this sounds like the recipe for a Caligula-like orgy, then I shudder to think what you've been doing to yourself while reading this article.
A sock monkey is meant to be dragged by its tail by a drooling three year old, not plowed in the coat closet while Monster Mash blares out of an 8-track tape in some guy named Dan's basement.
The costume is basically a nightshirt and a hat. Whether you wear underwear is apparently up to you.
3. Slutty Strawberry Shortcake
There's two versions to choose from- skanky or Niki Minaj.
My daughter loves Strawberry Shortcake. And look, now I do, too! The main problem with a costume like this is, after viewing it, I can no longer play dolls with my kid or walk past a bowl of fruit salad without wanting to dry hump the floor. This is a costume guaranteed to confuse both child (who's seeing a full-size whorey version of their beloved toy come to life) and adult (who is seeing a full-size whorey version of their darkest fantasy).
If your daughter sees this costume, be prepared to answer the question, "Daddy, why is Strawberry bouncing up and down on that man's lap?"
2. Slutty Where's Waldo
I can tell you where Waldo isn't. He's not at my house and he's definitely not getting any candy.
Apparently the makers of this costume were terribly unsuccessful at spotting Waldo in the children's book series and thought, "You know what might help? If Waldo had huge, half-exposed jug buckets!" In this outfit, the only people who are going to spot Waldo are prospective Johns and undercover law enforcement.
1. Slutty Tic Tac Toe
There are few activities less ball-tingling than playing tic tac toe. Writing a grocery list, maybe. Removing gunk from your eye, perhaps. It's a game that adorns every single kid's menu across the United States. It's actually a law that it appears there. There is nothing less titillating than this game which is used primarily to entertain kids before the french fries show up or as confidence-boosting exercises on long car trips. Introducing a woman in a short skirt with an O prominently displayed on her love mound makes the game creepy and unsettling. It'd be like having your dentist perform a root canal on you while wearing a G-string. Having your barber trim your sideburns with nipple clamps on.
There are some worlds that were just never meant to interresect.
Jamie Wasserman kicks the dictionary's ass in his book Bud the Crud.