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Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Slutty Costumes Gone Wrong: Part 2

In this article, I continue my exploration of costumes that took the whole 'slutty' thing too far. Way too far.

10. Slutty Zombie Girl Scout

The juxtaposition of zombies and girl scouts isn't even the most disturbing part of this costume.

Girl scouts present a major problem for the adult male. Their outfit combines everything we love about the Catholic school girl (tight skirt, leggings, button down shirt) with a fresh and Stewardess-like clean uniform (i.e., mile high fantasy). And they show up at your door at night offering you cookies. The fact that the girl with the box of cookies is exactly that, just a girl, is difficult for us to process after all the other intangibles. The male mind, you see, is pretty dumb. It might be a twelve year old trying to force an extra box of thin mints on you, but our brains have already stuffed Megan Fox into the outfit and tied up that shirt into a Daisy Duke like knot. But all of this is unspoken, you see. We just channel our unwholesome energy instead into devouring a case of Samoas and checking out the den mother idling in the bushes just to make sure you donĂ­t try to grab anything besides empty calories. But this costume says, no fuck that. Girl Scouts are hot. 12 year old girls are hot. And you know what else is hot? Necrophilia, so let's make her a fucking zombie, too!

The closest you'll come to matching the awkwardness produced by this costume is going to lunch with your uncle with the enormous goiter on his neck that is never talked about and having him suddenly take off his shirt and give you a lap dance.

9. Slutty Buzz Lightyear

"To infinity and..." Oh, I see what you did there. 

Maybe the producers of this slutty, screen printed mini-skirt parading as a Halloween costume didn't see any of the Toy Story films, but they're about childhood, and innocence, and holding on to that innocence for as long as you can. Letting a kid see you in this dress would be a sure-fire way to have child protective services at your door for corrupting a minor.

I do like the way the marketing department said screw it and focused right in on the model's breasts. There's no accessories for this spaceman costume, no helmet, or boots, or laser-- just synthetic fabric and a pair of tightly wrapped boobs.

8. Slutty Minion
I've never seen the movie! 

You may not have seen Despicable Me, but odds are you've encountered the minions- gibbering anthropomorphic blobs beating the silly out of each other. They're shapeless, inhuman messes that somehow manage to amuse both children and adults. What they're not is near-sighted street walkers in knee highs. And why is the model striking a Charlie's Angels gun pose? Are there deleted scenes to the movie that I somehow missed involving a plot where the minions strap up like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator and go apeshit on their creator? Or is she just sending a warning to prospective pimps that this minion works solo?

7. Slutty Monsters, inc.

If only this is what the monster in my closet really looked like. 

You'd think designing a Sully costume from the movie Monsters, Inc. would be a no-brainer. Mask, fuzzy body costume, and tail. That's it. He's a lovable, cartoon monster who most likely participated in threesomes with Sweetums as his tag team partner.

But that was after hours and off camera. That's his time. 

What the makers went with instead...a hoodie, mini-skirt, hot pink leggings, and fuzzy leg warmers borrowed from Angel Vanessa in the movie Spies Like Us.
I will not ruin this image with a caption.

What bothers me about this costume isn't just that it's turning a beloved icon into a go-go dancer in Tim Burton's version of Moulin Rouge. It's the natural assumption on the costume maker's part that no woman would want to drape herself head to toe in plush (thereby hiding her goodies) and look like a walking version of a Build-a-Bear. That's an experience nobody should be denied.

6. Slutty My Little Pony
If you squeeze her, rainbows come out of her boobs. 

I suspect that this costume is what produced the entire Brony movement. This is an outfit that would get you elected homecoming queen at the annual Brony Prom (for all the sad bronies who weren't invited to their own; i.e., all of them), and for that reason alone it should have you running over to check out the vampire costumes instead.

5. Slutty Snow White
I'm not even going to bother pointing out the Eve/Apple references here. 

There are plenty of slutty princess costumes to be had, but this is by far the worst. Let's not forget that the movie's main character spends a good portion of the film knocked unconscious while a parade of dwarves, animals, and a strapping young man service her. The film was a few beers away from becoming a porno anyway so we certainly don't need to throw in a corset and ruffles. And this was all licensed by Disney. If wearing this costume isn't an invitation for someone to slip a few ruphies into the bobbing for applies bucket, I don't know what is.

4. Slutty Sock Monkey 
I finally get the whole Plushie fetish. 

Allow me to quote some testicle shriveling lines from the Wikipedia entry on Sock Monkeys," The sock monkey's most direct predecessors originated in the Victorian era, when the craze for imitation stuffed animals swept from Europe into North America and met the burgeoning Arts and Crafts Movement." And, "A sock monkey is a toy made from socks fashioned in the likeness of a monkey."

Socks? Victorian Era? Arts and Crafts? Monkeys? If this sounds like the recipe for a Caligula-like orgy, then I shudder to think what you've been doing to yourself while reading this article.

A sock monkey is meant to be dragged by its tail by a drooling three year old, not plowed in the coat closet while Monster Mash blares out of an 8-track tape in some guy named Dan's basement.

The costume is basically a nightshirt and a hat. Whether you wear underwear is apparently up to you.

3. Slutty Strawberry Shortcake
There's two versions to choose from- skanky or Niki Minaj. 

My daughter loves Strawberry Shortcake. And look, now I do, too! The main problem with a costume like this is, after viewing it, I can no longer play dolls with my kid or walk past a bowl of fruit salad without wanting to dry hump the floor. This is a costume guaranteed to confuse both child (who's seeing a full-size whorey version of their beloved toy come to life) and adult (who is seeing a full-size whorey version of their darkest fantasy).

If your daughter sees this costume, be prepared to  answer the question, "Daddy, why is Strawberry bouncing up and down on that man's lap?"

2. Slutty Where's Waldo
I can tell you where Waldo isn't. He's not at my house and he's definitely not getting any candy. 

Apparently the makers of this costume were terribly unsuccessful at spotting Waldo in the children's book series and thought, "You know what might help? If Waldo had huge, half-exposed jug buckets!" In this outfit, the only people who are going to spot Waldo are prospective Johns and undercover law enforcement.

1. Slutty Tic Tac Toe 


There are few activities less ball-tingling than playing tic tac toe. Writing a grocery list, maybe. Removing gunk from your eye, perhaps. It's a game that adorns every single kid's menu across the United States. It's actually a law that it appears there. There is nothing less titillating than this game which is used primarily to entertain kids before the french fries show up or as confidence-boosting exercises on long car trips. Introducing a woman in a short skirt with an O prominently displayed on her love mound makes the game creepy and unsettling. It'd be like having your dentist perform a root canal on you while wearing a G-string. Having your barber trim your sideburns with nipple clamps on. 

There are some worlds that were just never meant to interresect.  

Jamie Wasserman kicks the dictionary's ass in his book Bud the Crud.

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