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Friday, September 27, 2013

17 People You Find in Every Office

I've had a lot of jobs and I've worked in a lot of places. Well, not worked per se, but I've been at a lot of different companies. And regardless of where I've been (from the movie theater, IT company, to the gynecologist's office--I didn't actually work there, I just hung out), I always, without fail, managed to encounter the same people over and over again. Like these guys...
1. The Eater- this person's cube looks more like a WaWa with the added bonus of a hot plate. Strange smells eminate constantly from their walls. If you're unlucky to sit next to this generally overweight individual, you'll get to listen to the sound of chewing, scraping, and sobbing all day.
2. The Broadcaster- It doesn't matter what this person is doing--whether it's his latest project, meeting, or colonoscopy--he'll make sure that everyone hears about it. He thinks his phone is still operating on the same technology as two cans and a piece of string and only operates through shouting.
3. Bubble Boy- It's hard to tell what's worse--the smell of someone cooking two-week old fish on a contraband microwave in their cube (see #1) or the harsh chemical smells of bleach, hand sanitizer, and shame that emanate from the germphobe. If you ever run into them in the bathroom, be prepared for a routine straight out of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
4. Captain Meeting- Wherever there is free time, he is there. Wherever there is hope for getting out of work on time, he will arrive. He is...Captain Meeting. Enemy of productivity. Destroyer of dreams. This man accomplishes nothing except looking busy and cluttering Outlook calendars everywhere.
5. The Groomer- Clip. Clip. Clip. That's the sound of the groomer cutting his fingernails, toenails, and hair all fucking day. Either he's got the pituitary gland of a gorilla, or he just reserves all acts of personal hygiene for work. You can lay money down that he's also got a toothbrush somewhere in his desk.
6. The Missionary- You know the type. Biblical passages posted thoughtfully all over her cube. She freely discusses religion with anyone who will listen and leaves little tracts all over the office in an attempt to save your miserable soul. If she doesn't have a sex dungeon at home, I will literally eat my shoes.
7. The Terrorist- Her choice of weapon is a permanent cloud of perfume that envelopes her in a cloud of malice and mothballs and dead flowers. You can smell her twenty minutes after she passes by. She should be reminded that perfume is a poor substitute for bathing.
8. The Lawyer- this person thinks being a useless pustule is constitutionally protected and will sue anyone that says otherwise. They sue their way to promotions, raises, and shorter hours. This is literally one of the worst people you will ever meet, right behind dog breeders and insurance agents.
 9. The Invisible Man- this guy does nothing (unless you count surfing the useless tide that is the interweb), but he has the good sense to do it quietly. You never see him in meetings or doing anything work-like. He keeps to himself, collects a paycheck, and probably doesn't even make a sound when he farts.
10. The Raging Bitch/Flying Bastard- if this person ever uttered a compliment, they'd break apart from the inside like that giant cockroach in Men in Black. It's against every fiber in their being. Every word out of their mouth is critical. And the worst part is that they'll get promoted quickly. Not because they're particularly good at what they do--just so management can stick them in an office somewhere out of the way.
11. The Quaker- the quaker shuns technology and change (i.e., progress) the way my kids shun homework time. Anytime something new is proposed, the Quaker gives a million reasons why it's the worst idea in the world. This person has all the fear and one-sided notions that are the hallmark of a sheltered religion without the ability to build sturdy furniture or churn butter.
12. The close to retirement guy- this man ran out of shits to give twenty years ago. Ask him how long until he retires and he'll give you the exact amount of days, hours, minutes, and seconds. You'll also get the same response when you ask him to do something. Compare him with...
13. The never going to retire guy- this guy's life has been one poor choice after another and now that he's near the age when most people are soiling themselves in a nursing home, he's realized he can't afford to check himself in. So he continues to show up for work every day, constantly bewildered at the fast pace and strange technologies around him. He is the suckiest time suck around. Do not, under any circumstances, think that you can explain something to him. He will destroy you.
14. Sleeps at his desk guy- there's usually some overlap with number 12 and 13 here.  All this person needs is some milk and cookies and a warm blanket. They nap in meetings and at their desk. On occasion, you've actually had to call their phone to make sure they didn't become 'dies at his desk guy'.
15. The Foreigner- His first name has 20 letters and they're all consonants. He's
probably brilliant, but you only understand every other word out of his mouth.
16. The Water Cooler- for whatever reason, this person is the center of the office's social structure. People are constantly stopping by his desk for advice on work, stock tips, a breakdown of the news, or to score some weed.
17. The intern- he doesn't have to be an intern. He could just be fresh out of school. He's young, eager to learn, anxious to make a difference and affect change. He is, quite simply, a complete moron. He'll learn soon enough and then he'll be jaded and spiteful, just like you.