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Monday, September 16, 2013

10 Things My Wife Should Know

An open letter to my wife. The next time we have an argument, please keep these simple rules in mind. It will save us both a lot of time and shouting.
These are for you in advance, honey.

10. I wasn't ignoring you, I simply wasn't paying attention.

9. Yes there is a difference. I don't pay attention to anyone, why should you be any different?

8. If you don't want me to fix your problems, keep them to yourself. I don't ask you for sympathy when I break the mower. I simply hide the flowers and glass and call the repairman.

7. I do appreciate what you do around the house. I just don't say anything in the same way you don't rip off my clothes and jump me every pay day.

6. The traditional format for a story is beginning, middle, and end. A lot of your stories seem to be stuck in the author's foreword. Nobody reads those for a reason. Get to the point.

5. I secretly suspect that you carefully choose your friends based on how much they will annoy me.

4. You are not allowed to be mad at me for 1) snoring, 2) kissing someone else in your dream, or breaking your favorite dish, in the same way I promise not to get mad at you for 1) Watching Magic Mike or Top Gun for the 1000th time, 2) sharing the most intimate aspects of our relationship with your best friend (who I can't stand), or 3)throwing away my favorite t-shirt because it was "full of holes".

3. Yes, I am that dumb. No, I do not deserve you. And no, I don't know why you're so upset. Please just tell me.

2. If you and my mother could ever agree, I would be completely screwed.

1. And finally, please understand that you are the reason I get out of bed in the morning and the reason I rush home at night. I love you, even if I don't say it often enough.