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Thursday, September 5, 2013

The 5 Worst Things Found in Kids' Meals

Toys and fast food. These are sacred things to kids and they spent exactly 50% of their childhood begging for one or the other. That's why the kids meal is the ultimate prize for children everywhere. There is something magical about the combination of grease and imported Chinese plastic that sends kids' pleasure-centers into overload. The food doesn't even have to taste good as long as its fried. And the toys, well hell, kids hear 'free toy' and you could give them a bag of glass to play with and they'd be happy. I mean short of giving away an animal corpse, you could get away with just about anything as a kids meal giveaway...

5. Whale Corpse
In order to promote 'Big Miracle', a feel-good movie about the rescue of three whales stuck in ice, Burger King produced a glow in the dark whale corpse complete with removable skeleton (so you can hang it from your ceiling and pretend you're in the Smithsonian).
Free Willie! Never mind, too late.

Because nothing screams childhood and playability like the combination of bloated corpses and skeletonized animals. Or maybe this was just the result of a bet between two Burger King execs trying to prove that a child will play with anything if 'we just make it glow in the dark'.

4. Hygiene Products
Some kids meal toys aren't content at providing five solid minutes of playability. Some want to be playable AND educational, too. ChikFila has taken this to heart with a series of kids' books and other toys that belong more in the school supply aisle than in a bag of grease. Fortunately, you can trade those books in for an ice cream so it's not a completely lost cause.

This next 'toy', produced by the good folks at White Castle, said screw playability, screw educational value and, while we're at it, screw the kids, too.

What do children hate doing more than anything (after homework, hugging Grandma, and cleaning the chimney, of course)? Washing and brushing their teeth. You'd think I was sending my kids to a Russian Gulag every time I made them take a bath. So what better way to remind children that life's unpleasantries await you at every turn, even in a so-called 'happy' meal, than by including hygienic products like soap, toothpaste, and a fucking sponge.  Unless his name is Bob, a sponge has no business being packaged next to food. And even then it's suspect.

And if that weren't horrifying enough, White Castle put MC Hammer's face on these items. Why? Because fuck you, that's why.
If you don't floss, he will come.

3. Swastika Tattoos
This next giveaway comes from Europe because of course it does...

Kids love temporary tattoos. They stick that shit everywhere. And parents everywhere happily apply warm water and apply these harmless little stickers  to their children's arms never realizing that they're only preparing their kid for a life of piercings and body modification.

Temporary tattoos was this guy's gateway drug.

So a restaurant in Sweden called Frasses thought sure, tattoos are cool. But you know what else is cool? Fascism and genocide! How can we combine these wonderful things?

And this was the result:

Sandwiched between awesome pictures of scorpions is a swatsika like a Hitler-inspired game of Where's Waldo?

Parents became alerted to the sneaky surprise when their children goose-stepped their way to the ball pit and forcibly marched the janitor out the door.

2. Marijuana
In lieu of the standard happy meal toy, a child in Michigan found a bong thoughtfully stuffed with Kind Bud nestled between his fries and lumps of processed chicken.

Ironically, it was the healthiest and most natural thing in the box.

In fact, the only thing that stops this from being number one on the list, is the fact that the employee who inadvertently gave away his weed and prized bong failed to also include a lighter.

1. Condoms
The Hamburglar has done more to promote safe sex than Nancy Reagan. In fact just a quick Google search of McDonald's and Condoms is enough to prove to you that the fast food giant cares almost as much about the prevention of STD's as they do for nutritional value.

"Rabble, rabble," apparently means 'Stop the spread of herpes!'

Here's just a few links:
- http://www.today.com/id/30561605/ns/today-today_news/t/girl-allegedly-finds-condom-happy-meal/
- http://www.ibtimes.com/toddler-ate-used-condom-mcdonalds-play-area-anishi-spencer-says-lawsuit-not-so-happy-meal-1127059
- http://metro.co.uk/2007/04/26/happy-meal-comes-with-condom-304326/

There's more, but I'm going to lunch soon and didn't want to spoil my appetite.

Odd that all these condoms somehow made their way into a child's hands. Some might hint at a conspiracy, but I believe that Ronald just really, really cares about children. Preventing them, that is. 



Jamie Wasserman is the author of Bud the Crud. Buy a copy now and receive a free condom.