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Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Five Signs the Zombie Apocalypse Has Already Begun

If my wife is correct and I am truly paranoid and deeply disturbed, then feel free to disregard this article. The dead are not walking among us. The apocalypse has not started. And no one is putting mood stabilizers in my Wheaties. Especially not her. So eat your breakfast before it gets soggy.

But if I am right, then the end of the world is near and I'm here to tell you it ends with neither a bang nor a whimper, but with an army of the walking, slouching, drooling dead. The signs are all there, cousins, just open your eyes. Consider the evidence that the zombie apocalypse has already started:

5. The CDC Got Involved

The CDC's next project will be lol catz memes.

Back in 2011, the Center for Disease Control published its own zombie survival guide. Ha, ha, the internet said, very funny, and the guide got passed around more than Pamela Anderson. A CDC spokesperson said they published the guide to raise awareness about their activities, and a disaster recovery expert added that, although meant to be humorous, the tips in the guide would get you through just about any unnatural disaster.

Ha, ha, CDC, good one. The guide was also first published alongside pamphlets on surviving an earthquake and influenza. Um, ha? The zombie guide was also released during the height of the Avian Flu epidemic, a disease which caused the following symptoms in humans: "fever, cough, sore throat, muscle aches, eye infections, pneumonia, severe respiratory diseases and other severe and life-threatening complications." Or otherwise known as zombie-itis. Crap, CDC.

Besides, when you think of the words 'humorous', 'tongue in cheek', or 'creative', do 'large government organizations specializing in disease and death' spring to mind? Hell, no. This wasn't just a tongue-in-cheek article--this was just the first stage of public awareness for when, you know, all the face eating starts.
4. Facial Eating is on the Rise

Just for fun, I left this search open on my wife's computer. 

A quick Google search on the words 'face eating' reveals 423,000,000 hits. A search on my new book "Bud the Crud" reveals four hits and three of them are related to some very lazy name calling. One has nothing to do with the other, I'm just venting.
At any rate, zombie attacks are on the rise. Whether it's brain eating amoebae in Louisiana or face eating hobos in Miami, the hunger for flesh has never been higher. In fact, based on my non-existent research, I'd say we have reached the historical apex for zombie-related attacks. If only there was some kind of sign...
3. The Cataclysmic Triggers Have Already Happened

They walk among us.

Every zombie movie starts in frighteningly similar fashion-- a comet passes just a little to close to Earth, a toxic waste spill seeps into the water supply, a nuclear reactor goes up like a birthday cake, some weird military experiment goes awry, or maybe something demonic happens between a priest and a nun an unattended vat of holy water.

Having just learned that the internet contains other things besides porn, I turned again to Google for the top news stories of 2013:
  1. Chelyabinsk meteor
  2. Evidence for water on Mars
  3. Syrian Civil War
  4. Worldwide flooding
  5. Resignation Of Pope
  6. United States Ammunition Shortage
So there's that. Natural disasters, civil war, lack of defenses, loss of religious leadership all leave us vulnerable and lost. Let's toss in a possible alien discovery and a damn meteor and we've just given the Walking Dead four more seasons (or at least provided some more topics for the cast to discuss in the barn).
2. Preparation Drills are Already in Place

Braiiiiinnnnnns. Ow, my shin splints.

The above picture is not a still from Return of the Living Dead. It's a photo from one of many 'zombie runs' held across the country. Entrants cough up $60 for the pleasure of running while being chased by the undead through various obstacles. What about any of those sentences sounded fun to you? This isn't a whimsical little jog--it's a nightmare-fueled all out sprint through a wasteland while being pursued by hordes of flesh-eating madness. This isn't a race, it's boot camp. But at least you get a tshirt at the end.
1. "When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth."

The state motto is, 'Don't Blame Us.'
This line shows up in more zombie movies than the phrase 'brains' or 'I wouldn't go in there if I were you." And it's really a terrifying notion. What if the place where all the worst souls go was suddenly filled to the brim? What would happen? They would explode onto the whole damned world like a tsunami made up of nightmares and sodomy. But that could never happen here. Or could it?
So who's crazy now, Michelle?