But if I am right, then the end of the world is near and I'm here to tell you it ends with neither a bang nor a whimper, but with an army of the walking, slouching, drooling dead. The signs are all there, cousins, just open your eyes. Consider the evidence that the zombie apocalypse has already started:
5. The CDC Got Involved
The CDC's next project will be lol catz memes.
Back in 2011, the Center for Disease Control published its own zombie survival guide. Ha, ha, the internet said, very funny, and the guide got passed around more than Pamela Anderson. A CDC spokesperson said they published the guide to raise awareness about their activities, and a disaster recovery expert added that, although meant to be humorous, the tips in the guide would get you through just about any unnatural disaster.
Ha, ha, CDC, good one. The guide was also first published alongside pamphlets on surviving an earthquake and influenza. Um, ha? The zombie guide was also released during the height of the Avian Flu epidemic, a disease which caused the following symptoms in humans: "fever, cough, sore throat, muscle aches, eye infections, pneumonia, severe respiratory diseases and other severe and life-threatening complications." Or otherwise known as zombie-itis. Crap, CDC.
Besides, when you think of the words 'humorous', 'tongue in cheek', or 'creative', do 'large government organizations specializing in disease and death' spring to mind? Hell, no. This wasn't just a tongue-in-cheek article--this was just the first stage of public awareness for when, you know, all the face eating starts.
Just for fun, I left this search open on my wife's computer.
A quick Google search on the words 'face eating' reveals 423,000,000 hits. A search on my new book "Bud the Crud" reveals four hits and three of them are related to some very lazy name calling. One has nothing to do with the other, I'm just venting.
3. The Cataclysmic Triggers Have Already Happened
They walk among us.
Having just learned that the internet contains other things besides porn, I turned again to Google for the top news stories of 2013:
- Chelyabinsk meteor
- Evidence for water on Mars
- Syrian Civil War
- Worldwide flooding
- Resignation Of Pope
- United States Ammunition Shortage
Braiiiiinnnnnns. Ow, my shin splints.
The above picture is not a still from Return of the Living Dead. It's a photo from one of many 'zombie runs' held across the country. Entrants cough up $60 for the pleasure of running while being chased by the undead through various obstacles. What about any of those sentences sounded fun to you? This isn't a whimsical little jog--it's a nightmare-fueled all out sprint through a wasteland while being pursued by hordes of flesh-eating madness. This isn't a race, it's boot camp. But at least you get a tshirt at the end.
1. "When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth."
The state motto is, 'Don't Blame Us.'This line shows up in more zombie movies than the phrase 'brains' or 'I wouldn't go in there if I were you." And it's really a terrifying notion. What if the place where all the worst souls go was suddenly filled to the brim? What would happen? They would explode onto the whole damned world like a tsunami made up of nightmares and sodomy. But that could never happen here. Or could it?
So who's crazy now, Michelle?