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Monday, September 9, 2013

17 Slutty Halloween Costumes Gone Wrong (Part 1)


Let me first say that I am a big fan of the whole slutty costume genre. The slutty nurse, librarian, angel, heck, even the nun. I'm even willing to overlook the slutty vampire and slutty zombie because undead cleavage is still cleavage and needs love, too.

It's an easy formula. Hot woman + low cut shirt + high cut skirt = awesome. And let's throw in a couple of male fantasy figures (e.g., the Catholic schoolgirl, the airline stewardess, the fast food fry chef. OK, the last one might just be me.) as the cherry on what's already a fucking awesome ice cream sunday.

But occassionally costume makers try to think outside the box, which is a mistake. The box is awesome. The box has perky, wenched up boobs and underwear slips. The box should never, ever be tampered with. Because when you  do, you wind up with boner-crushing results like these:

17. Slutty Big Bird
Can you tell me how to get some candy?

That's right. Big... Fucking... Bird. An androgynous, schizophrenic yellow bird who terrorizes children on Sesame Street with visions of an invisible, talking wooly mammoth.

Let's set the record straight-- aside from Mr. Cooper, there is nothing on Sesame Street even remotely sexy.
And the man just can't help it. He oozes sex from his pores.


I mean how can you look at this costume without flashing back to kindergarten when you were only just beginning to question the nature of Bert and Ernie's relationship. It was a simpler time when your life centered around chocolate milk, playground swings, and Saturday morning cartoons. Nothing should sully that.

And what's more, the good folks at Seasame Street should have know better than to have signed off on this officially licensed costume. I mean have they learned nothing from Kevin Clash? Start introducing sex onto Sesame Street and before you know it, the Muppets will get in on the act, too. I mean, can you just imagine, a slutty Kermit the Frog?

16. Slutty Kermit the Frog
I just died a little inside.

There are so many things wrong with this outfit, I don't even know where to begin. For one, this isn't even a costume. Somebody took the slutty ballerina outfit, dyed it green, and put a picture of Kermit on the shirt. Second, they named  it 'Sassy Kermit the Frog'. Third, IT'S A FUCKING BLONDE BIMBO IN A KERMIT COSTUME. I could see doing this with Miss Piggy. Maybe. She always seemed pretty loose. But don't mess with the man who sang Rainbow Connect. Just. Don't.


15. Sexy Boba Fett
Let's pretend that the last three Star Wars movies didn't happen. Boba Fett is not a whiny adolescent clone with an Oedipal compelx. It's 1977 and he is mysterious, silent, and has a goddamn jetpack on his back. Like all the time. Even when he showers. The man is ready to be awesome at a moment's notice.

He had like five seconds of screen time in the original films and still managed to be one of the most talked about characters. And this is a movie with more cultural icons in it than Betty Ford. He was the tits, is what I'm saying. Well, not literally of course.
I stand corrected.

This costume manages to be lame on so many levels that it makes you forget that what you're essentially looking at is a Catholic School Girl outfit (complete with leggings). The makers thought fuck the jetback, fuck the badass battle worn helmet, and fuck the cock-sized pistol...she can just stand there and point her finger in the air and look all cute. Well fuck you, no she can't. The only thing this bitch can bob for at my party is the door.

Oh well, at least they didn't ruin Darth Vader.

14. Slutty Darth Vader

Sorta puts a new spin on the line, 'Use the force.'

Sigh. And they didn't even include the fucking mask. You could wear a pair of black pants and a black sweatshirt and you're just a pervert in the bushes. But put on a Darth Vader mask and suddenly you're the baddest person in the whole universe. Shit, you wouldn't even have to wear pants. The mask is what makes Darth Vader Darth Vader. But this craptastic costume is just a patterned miniskirt and a sad looking light saber that, I'm sorry, we all know is just a penis.

13. Slutty Clockwork Orange
You don't want to know what she does with the cane.

Oh come on! Did you even see the movie, costume makers? Fuck, all you had to watch was the first five seconds when the main character says, "This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence." That's the whole goddamn movie. Violence. And something about society and youth and the establishment and, I don't know, utopia and whatnot. But mostly it's about violence. Women get raped, a drunk gets beaten, and a guy gets his head crushed with a gigantic cock statue. Does that sound even remotely sexy to you? If you got an erection anywhere during this movie, you're a psychopath. Go get yourself tested. And the costume makers, in their enormous wisdom, made two sluttified version of this outfit-- one with shit-kicking knee high combat boots which I guess is part of foreplay wherever these were made.

Why stop there? If we're going to tart up violent characters from iconic movies, why not just make a slutty Leatherface?

12. Slutty Leatherface
In my head, I've re-inserted this Leatherface into all the movies. This actually improves the 3-D one.

Leatherface is the main baddie in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a movie so violent it was banned in numerous countries and significant portions of the film had to be trimmed just to earn an R-rating. Leatherface is a hulking, chainsaw wielding apparition in an apron covered with blood stains from his numerous victims. And oh yeah, he's got a mask made from human skin.

Some costume maker must have watched this movie and thought, damn Leatherface, why don't you take off that mask and let's get freaky? The result is an outfit consisting of a torn tunic, thigh high hooker boots, and a rubber chainsaw. No mask. No apron. Not even a damned name tag. So ladies be prepared to answer this question all night, "So what are you dressed as?" (to be followed by "Want to playing bobbing for cock?"

11. Slutty Jason and Slutty Freddy
And Camp Crystal Lake was booked solid for years to come...

And while we're at it, let's ruin a few other horror movies...Jason and Freddy are the now iconic ghouls behind the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th films; two franchises which have spawned 2385 sequels combined. Their garishly deformed and brutalized faces appear on everything from action figures to kids lunch boxes. But there was a time when these guys were responsible for 98% of the nightmares in America. They were unstoppable aberration; impossible killing machines that ran on screams and fear-pee. And now they're tarts in miniskirts. At least they gave the Jason costume the iconic hockey mask. Of course she can't put it on because it won't fit over her enormous hair and it might ruin her lipstick, but the costume makers at least made some effort here. Freddy's deformed face, on the other hand, is understandably missing--it's hard to be pretty when you look like a burn victim. And isn't that what Halloween is really all about?

10.  Slutty Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles


The turtles are muck-dwelling, glorified lizards who were exposed to toxic waste and turned into mutant killing machines by a 6 foot rat. Are you as turned on as I am right now?

I found seven versions of this costume. Seven. And I'm sure there's more. Besides the requisite short skirt and titty squeezing top, want to know what they all have in common? Not one of them features a fucking turtle mask. Wearing a green outfit does not make you a turtle in the same way that driving a Porsche does not make your cock any bigger.

And just for the record, the subject of nuclear waste has not raised a single trouser tent anywhere. Not even in fan fiction, and those freaks jack off to Harry Potter.


Tomorrow: 1-10. If you want to see the second half of this article alive, go and buy my Bud the Crud