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Sunday, September 8, 2013

The Ten Types of People You Encounter at Kids Sports Games

I spend a significant amount of time at gymnastics classes, soccer practices, recitals, rehearsals and, on several occasions, several underground fight clubs geared towards elementary age combatants. When I'm not being constantly disappointed at the unreasonable expectations Hollywood sets for soccer moms, I spend my time people watching. And without fail, at every one of these events, I seem to encounter the same people over and over again. Like...

10. The Sideline Coach
Nice shot, dickhead. No dinner tonight. Dinner is for winners.

This guy thinks he's Gene Hackman in Hoosiers, alternately yelling motivating and demoralizing comments from the sideline. Generally, all he does is confuse the kids or destroy their faith in humanity. Still, he's not as bad as...

9. The talker
If I have to hear about her colonoscopy again, I will drive this plane straight into the ocean.

This person isn't there to root on their kid, rather she (and it's always a she) is in attendance to share horrific and embarrassing stories of her life (usually medical in nature). You can try and tune her out, but she also feels the need to talk at a level that could be heard by the pilot of the 747 flying overhead.

8. The magician
They prescribe to the Kaiser Soze school of parenting.

The magician arrives, drops off their kids, and aren't seen again until the ref blows the final whistle. In a way, I admire their impeccable timing.

7. The fan
I don't even care who wins!

This guy really, really loves the sport. A little too much. If it's a soccer game, he's got vuvuzela in one hand and a giant foam finger in the other. If it's football, he's painted his face. He may or may not have a kid on the field.

6. The blind man
This guy is watching the game, it's just not the one everyone else is. He sees fouls where they don't exist and possesses an understanding of the rules that can only be described as functionally retarded. This horrific blind spot for the rules of logic are centered largely around the grassy space inhabited by his child.
That man was clearly off-sides. We should be awarded a free throw and a penalty kick.

5. The foreigner
You can call me a racist prick for saying this, but I've got experience on my side. At every event I run into a family from some unidentified country who use their kid's game to perform some mundane yet wholly inappropriate event like, and once again this is directly from experience, folding laundry, styling their hair, or bicycle repair.

4. The former athlete
For some reason, this guy is always next to me. He used to play the game. He could've gone pro, but then he had kids and well, you know how it is. He alternates between telling me how he would have handled each play, how dumb the coach is, or just how raw a deal he got from settling down and having children.

He also looks like this.

3. The old woman in the shoe
Honestly? I'm just happy to be out of the shoe.

This person doesn't give two fucks about the current population explosion we're experiencing and has 16 children, all of whom are running up and down the sideline (and on occasion across the field). What's more, she also appears to be deaf, blind and dumb because she doesn't discipline her charming brood once.

2. The eater
This person appears to have brought snacks for the entire team after the game, but you are incorrect. Those are for him/her. Do not get between them and the snack bar and do not casually reach for their feedbag for a nibble of Doritos. You will lose that finger. There may be some overlap here between him and the athlete.
Snackbar closes in five minutes? Out of my way bitches!

1. The sarcastic bastard
This jaded sonuvabitch takes delight from mocking others. He craves love and acceptance and mocks others to feel better about himself.
 Hey, wait a minute!

Jamie Wasserman takes delight in mocking others. He's also written a book about tolerance and accepting called Bud the Crud. Buy it or I will show up at a game near you.