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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

11 Kids Costumes That Tell the World You're a Horrible Parent

Halloween is that special holiday that allows a certain amount of leeway when it comes to bending cultural and societal norms. It's the one day of the year when I can dress up as a woman and hang out at the docks without enduring the hateful stares of confused sailors. 

Even our kids get to enjoy a taste of this freedom as they are unleashed upon the neighborhood in varying states of dress in order to beg for candy. But occasionally, costume makers get a little drunk on this creative freedom and we end up with outfits for children that would be more at home in Paris Hilton's wardrobe. Certainly understandable. Artists that go unchecked are never a pretty thing. But when the parent decks out their child in a Fredericks of Hollywood outfit and send them to the registered sex offender's house to beg for sweets, that's when your parenting skills need to be called into question. Here are 11 costumes you should never, ever buy for your kids: 

11.  Kiss Costumes

Finally, an outfit your kid can wear while singing 'Naked City' to his grandparents during Thanksgiving dinner.  You could almost excuse the Gene Simmons costume. I mean is there anything more wholesome than an 8-year old throwing devil horns around and sticking his tongue out like Miley Cyrus. But Peter Fucking Crist? That's just child abuse.

I want to rock all night and party every day...after nap time.

10. Police Officer

This is a perfectly acceptable costume.

But then the designers made some subtle, yet important changes when it came time to designing the girl's version of this costume. See if you can spot the differences.


Thigh-high boots? Check? Handcuffs instead of gun? Check. Miniskirt? Check. This isn't a police outfit. This is a stripper police outfit.The sleek material is clearly designed so when some perv tries to grope your little darling, he'll slip right off. Did this seriously require two different designs? Is this a division of the police force I'm not familiar with? Really, the only question this outfit doesn't raise is who's going to get a visit from social services in the next few days. 


9. Scream 

"I'm feeling a little woozy here, man."

"Why?"

"Your kid keeps stabbing me."

"Oh, ha, ha. It's Halloweeen."


8. Michael Jackson

Dressing up your child as bait for a pedophile is one thing. Dressing him up as a convicted child molester. Is a whole other ball of responsibility.
 Who's wearing a white glove and likes to touch little boys? This guy!


7. Biker Guy

It's bad enough when Uncle Rex comes to visit at Christmas, now poor Timmy is starting to dress like him. This costume brings all the subtle costume nuances of the Blue Oyster dancers from Police Academy with the tattooed, mentholated white trash whirlwind you've come to associate with your brother's seasonal visits. 

6. Pinhead

In case you haven't seen Hellraiser, Pinhead is a torture demon from Hell. He dresses in leather, accessorizes in needles, and has killed more innocent people than George Bush. So of course there's a kid-sized version of this costume.



 5. Naught Devil

There are plenty of perfectly acceptable devil costumes for kids out there (unless you live in the Bible Belt), but this one borrows just a little too much from the whole sluttified genre of adult costumes. From the corset, wenched up boob design, and the frilly miniskirt, you've just sent your daughter into the world with a big red A on her lacy dress.



4. Gringo

This was fortunately not a line that the costume makers chose to expand otherwise we might have gotten the bagel-gnoshing Jew or the laundry-washing Chinaman. Instead we're left to wonder at what might have been and to what neighborhoods it's appropriate to send little Johnny to beg for candy. Certainly nowhere in Miami, I can tell you that.

 3. Hannibal Lecter

Yes, that Hannibal Lecter. The man who ate a man's brains directly out of his head. Just, just wow. Could it get any more appropriate than this?


2. Michael Myers

Of course it could. At least it can't get worse than the star of the hundreds of Halloween movies. An unstoppable juggernaut who has stabbed his way through two decades of unfulfilled horny teenagers.

1.  Walking Dead- Sheriff Rick Grimes

Silly me.

Dear irresponsible parent. Stop picking out your kid's costumes. You have no sense of judgement.