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Monday, August 26, 2013

Top 5 Pieces of Art Made from Bodily Fluids

Top 5 Pieces of Art Made from Bodily Fluids
Great artists pour their blood, sweat and tears into their work. And it shows. Michelangelo lost his eyesight for the Sistine Chapel. Van Gogh gave up an ear. And then there are these guys, who, while lacking the work ethic, drive, and talent as those other artists, said 'Wait a minute guys, what about all those other fun bodily fluids?' And that's how we ended up with these.
5. Boogers
Who among us hasn't left a miniature abstract booger artwork on the wall of a rest stop bathroom? These tiny, anonymous works of art serve to remind us of the futility of the human condition, the temporalness of life, and of course the laziness of the bathroom attendant. Restock the damn tissue holder, man!
Most of us leave our smeared signature and walk away happily, knowing we ruined someone's afternoon, never to think about 'Les Booger in Green' again. Enter James Ford, creator of the 'Bogey Ball'.

This is exactly what you think it is.

James apparently felt that the genius of his idea was enough to impress the adoring public. There was no attempt at sculpting his booger ball into, say a portrait of Humphrey Bogart ('Bogey in Boogies') or to apply his boogers to famous artworks for satirical effects ('Mona Lisa with Booger Mustache'), James just said, 'Yeah, but mine is bigger and here it fucking is.' At least our next effort made somewhat of an effort.
4. Blood
Most of us donate blood for the greater good, knowing that we're helping some poor soul in need. Marc Quinn thought, 'But how can I profit from this?' And profit he did, to close to $2 million dollars for a frozen sculpture of his head cast from his blood.
Mad props to Marc for giving us something beyond a wad of boogers, but he loses points on having an artwork that has to be stored in the freezer in between the Hungry Man dinner from 1994 that you swear you'll eat someday and the Thanksgiving turkey.

If you put your ear close to his head, you can almost hear it say, 'Moooooooonnnnnnnneeeeeyy.'
3. Poop
With a name like Piero Manzoni there simply weren't a lot of career choices for him--famous chef, musketeer, or artist. That's it. And that is how the world lost a great cook and ended up with 90 cans of human shit. Piero's most famous piece is titled, 'Merda d'artista' which sounds like something we'd gladly hang over our dining room table until we learn that it translates to 'Artist's Shit.' Okay, so he goes for the direct approach in titling his work. Surely, he didn't actually can his...
Hide every damn can-opener in the house.
Oh wait, that's exactly what he did. Hey, it's still better than most of the crap that gets donated during every canned food drive.
2. Pubic Hairs
Okay, okay, astute reader, pubes are not a bodily fluid, but there are so many reasons to love Fox Bronte and his work, I couldn't help myself:
  • He was discovered on YouTube alongside that Friday girl and the dude who who shart himself while bungee jumping
  • He often uses his penis as a paint brush which is something every guy who's been alone with a canvas and a tube of paint has at least thought about.
  • And finally, he made this:

Baby, baby, ba---cough, cough, hack. Sorry, I got something stuck in my throat.

In case you're confused, that's a portrait of Justin Bieber. Made from public hair. And not all of it is his.
If there's message in there beyond Justin Bieber sucks, I don't want to hear about it.
1. Semen
Topping this list is one of the leading artists of the 20th century. He's mentioned in the same breath as Picasso and Dali, which isn't terrible company to keep, unless the category is 'Dead White Guys'. And even if you can't name anything he painted, odds are you've heard the name Marcel Duchamp. His work was ground-breaking, pioneering, and marked a break-away from the previous, more rigid styles in existence at the time. He was an artistic genius in every sense of the word.
That's why it's comforting to know that even geniuses like to take breaks from tortured fits of creation, to rub one out every now and again. Enter 'Paysage fautif'

What you're looking at is Monseiur Duchamp's semen squeezed out on a pair of book ends with some black silk thrown in there because apparently Duchamp bought his sheets at the same store as Hugh Hefner. This lovely creation was a gift for his girlfriend at the time and his baby momma.
And my wife complained when I bought her a vacuum for her birthday.

"I didn't realize how awesome this thing is. I'm...I'm sorry," said no woman, ever.