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Sunday, October 6, 2013

Five Things to Do While Furloughed

My wife has given me instructions to come up with a list of things to occupy myself while I'm stuck at home during the furlough. Her exact words were actually, "If you don't get out of my face, I will rip out your spine through your throat." 

Now next time I tell you to vacuum, maybe you'll do it the first time

Women can sometimes be difficult to read, but after 13 years of marriage I am finally able to navigate the subtle vagary of her speech. What she actually wanted was for me to come up with a list of things that will keep me occupied during my time off, nourish my longing for a sense of accomplishment and keep me stimulated. Or she would indeed reach into my mouth and pull out my spine. 

Here's what I came up with for the week (because I'm harboring some misplace optimism that this will be resolved soon):

1) Monday- Clean my daughter's room. 
I've put aside a full day for this because, and ladies I hope I'm not ruining any of your mystery here, women are slobs. They are not delicate and flowery butterflies who emerge from a cocoon of light. They are disgusting pigs who leave a path of ruin and destruction in their morning preparations. Don't believe me? 
2) Tuesday- Clean My Son's Room
Again, another full day. Because while women at least maintain an appearance of orderliness, men fart in orderliness's general direction.

3) Wednesday- Play with Legos
I have a large collection of Legos which I bought off Craigslist ostensibly for the kids, but let's face it I am a giant child. And on Wednesday I'm going to play the shit out of them. And maybe watch Zombie Strippers and drink Mountain Dew with real sugar while I do it. It's going to be awesome.

4) Thursday- Go for a run. 
When I was actually in shape, I used to run on these beautiful dirt trails near the historic Savage river. While on furlough, I have gained 5 pounds from self-loathing eating. Add this to the other 15 extra pounds I gained from general self-loathing and it's not a pretty sight. I've allocated the full day-- 1 hour to drive there and run and 5 hours to puke and dry heave.

5) Friday- Go for a bike ride and then play video games all day.
I doubt I'll be ready to do another run but a 5-10 mile bike ride is something I can probably handle and it'll make me feel much less guilty about sitting on the couch for the remainder of the afternoon playing video games. Plus, with the ankle injuries and cuts I know I'm going to sustain, I'll be good for doing little else. Now I'm not a gamer by any means, but I contend that's more of an issue of free time than free will. And who knows? Maybe I can turn shooting zombies into a future career. 

Bring it on world! Jamie is back. 

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