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Monday, October 14, 2013

6 Awful Reasons For Calling 911

Who among us has not drunk dialed 911 asking for a sexy firewoman to be sent over to 'put out the fire in my pants'? Just me? Dang, I hate it when my wife is right. At any rate, it's encouraging to know that no matter what the reason, whether it be a car accident, a break-in, or a gerbil lodged in one's bum, the ever-faithful 911 operator is standing by to assist. Unfortunately, some people take advantage of this vigilance and availability and the results are simply hilarious (and usually accompanied by time in the prison shower)...

6. Woman is too drunk to get out of her car

What do you do when you're so drunk that the car door handle looks like a tiny, wriggling dong? Whip out your cell phone and call the boys in blue of course! The news article is frustratingly vague about whether or not the woman's problem resulted from simply being too drunk or weight played into the role. The optimist in me hopes for both and I'm eagerly anticipating the re-enactment scene on COPS.

5. My remote has fallen and it can't get up!

We've all been there. Reclining in our Archie-bunker lounge chair, wallowing in our own crapulence when tragedy strikes--the remote slips off the chair and falls to the floor. There are those who would simply resolve themselves to watching the Amish Mafia marathon now on the TV. And there are those of us who would simply get up to pick it up. And then there is the Rosa Parks of laziness in the form of this woman, who dropped her remote and demanded the police come out to pick it up for her.

4. "Hello, Officer Handsome." "That's Hansen. And please get your hands off my night stick."

Lorna Jeanne Dudash knows how to make lemonade from lemons. When an officer showed up at her house to follow up on a noise complaint, the young miss became smitten with the reporting policeman. The delicate wallflower then called 911 in the hopes of scoring a date. Instead, in what is potentially a justification for a bait and switch lawsuit ,Lorna scored a date with the cop's ugly friend--a judge.

3. Speaking of bait and switch...

There are some things in life you just have to accept-- like when you buy a box of strawberries, at least half will be squishy and good for nothing except staining your fingers. You don't return the fruit to the grocery store, you simply throw the strawberries away and curse a god who could allow such tragedies to befall you. And likewise, when the hooker you called shows up and she's not as pretty as she'd claimed, you don't send her away. You have an extra drink, think about Bea Arthur and do whatever foul deed you need to do to get through another day. Unless you're this guy in the UK...

2. So what am I supposed to stick in my dipping sauce?

There are so many reasons to call 911 on McDonald's. But apparently a Chicken McNugget shortage is not one of them.

1. Can't read a bottle of medicine.

The directions on a bottle of Viagra are quite clear-- if your erection persists for more than 4 hours, call your doctor immediately (presumably after calling all your friends to brag about your enormous wood), They do not say call the police. But if your tent has been pitched for more than 4 days, I think it's perfectly acceptable to call in the boys in blue (pun perfectly intended)