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Monday, October 7, 2013

The Government Shutdown (As Explained through a Menage-a-Tois)

It occurred to me that even the people most affected by the government shutdown don't quite understand why this is happening or what it will take to get it resolved. So in an effort to broaden understanding and to talk about sex (my favorite topic), I've put together the following scenario.

  • The role of the Republicans will be played by Slutty McSlutterson,  gold digging whore whose turn-ons include money, white people, and feather dusters.
  • The role of the Democrats will be played by Moonchild Sunflower, an optimistic hippy willing to get into bed with just about anybody if she thinks it will improve her outlook.
  • The role of the furloughed government workers will be played by Captain John Largecock. 

John and Moonchild have had a challenging yet mostly harmonious and monogamous relationship for the past 5 years, but lately Moonchild has become restless. Sure, John is happy but she needs to know she's making a difference in the world, too. John is fine with this as long as 1) he doesn't have to do anything and 2) if there's even the slightest possibility he could bang someone else. 

Moonchild decides she wants to open up a soup kitchen. A place where those who are neediest can go to be fed. This will cost money. John is willing to help because Moonchild does things most girls won't do and like the battery, she's Everready, but his giving will only go so far. Moonchild will need to get funding from somewhere else. 

Enter Slutty. Slutty is John's boss at the rock quarry where he works smashing boulders all day with his ginormous schlong. Slutty agrees to give Moonchild the money. She'll even get into bed with her, but just to be clear--there'll be no kissing. She's like Julie Roberts in Pretty Woman that way. 

Everything is going fine. John is plowing Moonchild. Moonchild is happily watching her soup kitchen being built and Slutty is casually watching everything in the corner wringing her hands and cackling like a villain in Scooby Doo. 

One week before the opening of the soup kitchen, disaster strikes. Slutty, whose other turn-on is tormenting people poorer than her (i.e., everyone), tells Moonchild she changed her mind about the soup kitchen and now wants to turn it into an animal testing lab. She demands that Moonchild hand over the deed or she will fire John. 

John, for his part, doesn't give a shit about the homeless. He just wants to break rocks with his penis and get paid for it. It makes him feel alive. But that won't happen until all three can come to some kind of agreement. 

They take the next logical step and have a threesome. What follows is a continuous struggle to see who gets to be on top and a race to get their rocks off and get the hell out of the room.

This is where we currently are--in the middle of the least sexiest menage-a-trois between three people who couldn't be less pleased to be there, but are demanding to be satisfied nonetheless. 

So how will this ever get resolved? All three parties are either going to need to do something unpleasant, like that thing my wife let me do that once but only because it happened on accident and don't bother ever asking again. There isn't enough alcohol in the world, so stop hounding her about it. Or, one of the people is going to have to just say, fuck it, this isn't going anywhere, I'm just going to lie here until it's over and then go home and shower. Which is also coincidentally how my wife and I make love. 

This is where we are. Waiting for the worst facial in porn history, in a situation where not even the person jerking off to this scene at home is going to feel like he got his money worth. 

And...end scene. Questions? Feel free to check out my soon to be released erotic novel "That's Why I Only Fuck Libertarians".