6 Dog Costumes That Tell the World You're a Horrible Person

So apparently there are some people who think it's just adorable to dress their pets up in costumes for Halloween. And who am I to judge those people or tell them that what they're doing is wr--oh, who am I kidding? This is abhorrent behavior, people. Dressing your pets in costumes should be added to the DSM. If you are buying outfits for your pet, you should be in therapy. You need more human contact. If you're already in therapy, tell your therapist your current dosage is just not working. Tell him now. Seriously. I'll wait.

And beyond being all kinds of freaky-deaky, this kind of behavior is just plain cruel to your pet. Sara McLachlan should do a PSA against this kind of activity. If there was a telethon, I'd pledge.

Back away from the Batman mask, you sick fuck. 

I've lost my train of thought. You've got me all confused what with your cats in booties and crazy eyes. Let's see...Pets. Costumes. Abhorrent activity. Yes!

And just like any other activity, what started off presumably innocent enough--a bowtie here, maybe a little sweater there--has of course gone horribly, horribly wrong. Dressing your schnauzer in a hot dog costume? Ok, I see what you did there. But put your poodle in a Madonna with pointy bra? Then you've crossed that imaginary line. You know the one...it leads straight to the registered sex offenders list. Go ahead and move to the front. The others won't mind.

Here's six more pet costumes to avoid to end up on that list.

6. Harem Costume

The official description: Get your pretty princess dancing the seven veils in this heavenly Harem Dog Costume! Featuring a pair of pink pantaloons and matching chest piece, this Arabian dancer dog costume comes with a gold headpiece with pink veil that ties under the chin. Scheheraz-dog returns!

It's no surprise that the costume makers are not familiar with the story of Scheherazade--there can't be much time for reading literature what with all that time dedicated to violating the dignity of helpless animals. But the story of Scheherazade deals with a woman being sold off to a king for a night of defloration followed by decapitation. Those veils were meant to be yanked off as part of foreplay/rapey violation. So there's that. Now you know, how do you feel about your four-legged friend nuzzling his face in your crouch as he begs for a treat?

5. Bikini

The official description: our pup can frolic in the water the American way with our American Flag Dog Bikini! This doggie two-piece swimsuit features the vibrant stars and stripes of the American flag. With a cute flared bikini skirt and elasticized waistband, American Flag Dog Bikini gets your pooch ready to hit the pool or beach!

A bathing suit on a dog. Yeah, sure. I guess. At least that will minimize the pee while he paddles after the damned tennis ball you keep throwing in the pool. But why is this poor dog wearing a bikini top? Was he part of some kind of human growth hormone experiment?  And why is he looking all coquettish at me over his shoulder? Is, is he hitting on me?

4. Santa Baby Tutu Dress

The official description: For the pooch that has been good all year! Our Santa Baby Dog Tutu Dress features a luxe red velour design with a silver screen print of "Santa Baby" across the back. The attached white tutu sparkles with sprinkles of silver glitter. This super-soft pullover Santa Baby Dog Tutu Dress has an elastic waistband for a secure fit while your pet makes spirits bright this holiday!

There were other Santa costumes available, but this one really bugged me. Unless they're in heat and in the mood to hump something, dogs rarely seem to pay attention to gender.

And if my poor violated leg is any indication, even then it rarely seems to be a concern. 

So why do we insist on dressing our damn dogs in gender specific costumes? You want to put Sir Pup-a-lot in a Santa costume, stick him in a Santa costume. Don't slut it up just because he's a she. And for that matter, why do pet costumes follow the oddly specific rule of costumes for humans that if it's a for women, it's got to be slutty as hell. Seriously, this is a dog Santa costume, but because it appears to be for female dogs (bitches!), it's got a see-through tutu, sparkles, and fucking glitter. Gross.

3. Snookie

The official description: This The Lady Is A Tramp Dog Costume includes the wig, costume with cleavage, and the fur boot covers. Yes, it really is Snookie in a dog costume!

No, the lady is a fucking dog. And if you're putting cleavage on a dog, you have a very distinctive sexual deviancy and there are laws against this sort of thing, sickie.

Even our beloved website copywriter is a little shocked at this one. 'Yes, it really is Snookie in a dog costume!' as in 'I can't fucking believe someone came up with this idea and three other assholes went along with it and helped him make it. This is my career. What have I done with my life?'


2. Pimp

The official description: This Big Daddy Pimp Dog Costume is just as adorable as it is funny!

C'mon website copywriter, you're not even looking at the damn pictures anymore. 'Adorable'? You're describing a god damned pimp. As in the guy who back-hands hookers for not bringing enough money.

I'm trying to imagine a scenario of someone buying this costume that's not terrible. I can't. It's just...I want to hug my mom now, but I feel too dirty.  I'm not sure I'll ever be clean again.

Just promise me, if you do buy this, you will not dress up as a hooker. Let's agree to not live in a world that would allow such a thing.

1. California Cupcake

The official description: This California Cupcake Girl Dog Costume includes the blue wig, novelty glasses, and the costume cupcake bra.

Let's just agree that no sane human being has ever uttered the phrase, "Can you hold down the dog while I slip her in this cupcake bra?" And then let's never speak of this monstrosity again.



Also check out: 11 Kids Costumes That Tell the World You're a Terrible Parent

5 Halloween Candies for People Who Hate Children

Remember that guy who used to give out whole Snickers bars or jumbo bags of Skittles or dollar bills for Halloween?  That guy clearly loved children.  He loved seeing the joy on their sticky faces even as they changed costumes and rang his doorbell for the third time that night.  If Halloween had a Santa Claus, this guy would be it.  

Adorable.

This article isn't about that guy, though somebody should write one.  This article is about the house down the street.  The one with the lights off and the angry dog barking on the other side of the door.  The door your friend Paul insists you knock on because it's almost 9pm and there aren't any other houses left.  

This article is about the sad, angry man who answers the door in a stained pair of boxer shorts with the perpetual three-day stubble and eyes blurry with booze.  More importantly, this article is about the crap that guy hands out for Halloween every year.  

Don't be that guy. 

5. Cow Tails

Cow tails were first manufactured in 1984 by a very ambitious, misinformed candy maker who looked at a cow's ass and thought, 'You know who loves chewing on cow butt? Children.' . 

I'm convinced billions of this stuff were knocked off the factory line and 30 years later we're still trying to put a dent in the left-over stock. They are sticks of caramel around a 'creamy center'.  What is the cream you ask?  Don't open that door.  If you look into the abyss, the abyss will change you. 

This is the candy that survives until Halloween the following year, but only because you're afraid of throwing it out and raising the ire of the angry god who first created it.  This isn't a candy, it's an albatross.  If Coleridge were alive today, he might write poems about it.  He would definitely dip into his reserve opium stock just to get the taste out of his mouth.

One of these tastes like bovine bottom and the other is the rear end of a cow.

4. Candy Corn

Every time a child cries, the candy corn manufacturers produce another bag.

I have a new rule for candy makers--don't produce any sugar confectionary based on something that can be found on a farm.  Then we might have also avoided the inedible concoction that is candy corn.  

For some reason, this stuff is actually popular enough that it's produced in multiple flavors (indian, Christmas, and styrofoam).  This isn't candy.  It's wax without that sweet waxy taste we all know and love.  

3. Any Hard Candy

Would you eat what's in this woman's purse?

Especially butterscotch. It tastes like butter flavored sorrow.  

Hard candies are not for trick or treaters.  They're for visits with grandma when you need to get the taste of kasha out of your mouth.  They're for swallowing and choking on during long car trips when you find one tucked between the seat.  They're for post-dentist visits when there's literally no other candy around, but you still want to give a fuck you to the hygienist who told you to floss more. 

4. Good and Plenty

All the taste of cough medicine with the visual appeal of aspirin. 

I'm adding anything licorice flavored to my list of banned Halloween candy.  You know what else is licorice flavored? Jagermeister, or the perpetual answer to the question 'What were you drinking right before you threw up?'

2. Tootsie Rolls

It looks like something a Cow Tail might have shitted out. 

Caramel is the most abused candy ingredient.  Caramel apples-- delicious.  Caramel on ice cream--yes, please.  So why does it become a biohazard in the hands of candy manufacturers?  Seriously, Tootsie rolls are disgusting.  Stale tootsie rolls (and they're always stale), are indigestible.  And why do the wrappers always mysteriously open up in a Halloween bag?  This is a candy the creepy guy down the street could soak in arsenic and it would only improve the taste. 

1. Mary Janes

First manufactured in 1914, which is also the last time they changed the design on the wrapper.

Mary Janes are the Dorian Gray of the confectionary world--outwardly, they don't appear to have aged, but open them up and their true horror is revealed.  

Do you like molasses?  No, because you're not an 1880's gold miner.  But the makers are a century into insisting that molasses is as popular and delicious today as it was during the gold rush.

Instead give: Skittles, Snickers, Kit Kat, Gobstoppers, Almond Joy, Hershey Chocolate, etc.  Or even better, don't answer the damn door.  Your entire judgement is in question. 

11 Kids Costumes That Tell the World You're a Horrible Parent

Halloween is that special holiday that allows a certain amount of leeway when it comes to bending cultural and societal norms. It's the one day of the year when I can dress up as a woman and hang out at the docks without enduring the hateful stares of confused sailors. 

Even our kids get to enjoy a taste of this freedom as they are unleashed upon the neighborhood in varying states of dress in order to beg for candy. But occasionally, costume makers get a little drunk on this creative freedom and we end up with outfits for children that would be more at home in Paris Hilton's wardrobe. Certainly understandable. Artists that go unchecked are never a pretty thing. But when the parent decks out their child in a Fredericks of Hollywood outfit and send them to the registered sex offender's house to beg for sweets, that's when your parenting skills need to be called into question. Here are 11 costumes you should never, ever buy for your kids: 

11.  Kiss Costumes

Finally, an outfit your kid can wear while singing 'Naked City' to his grandparents during Thanksgiving dinner.  You could almost excuse the Gene Simmons costume. I mean is there anything more wholesome than an 8-year old throwing devil horns around and sticking his tongue out like Miley Cyrus. But Peter Fucking Crist? That's just child abuse.

I want to rock all night and party every day...after nap time.

10. Police Officer

This is a perfectly acceptable costume.

But then the designers made some subtle, yet important changes when it came time to designing the girl's version of this costume. See if you can spot the differences.

Thigh-high boots? Check? Handcuffs instead of gun? Check. Miniskirt? Check. This isn't a police outfit. This is a stripper police outfit.The sleek material is clearly designed so when some perv tries to grope your little darling, he'll slip right off. Did this seriously require two different designs? Is this a division of the police force I'm not familiar with? Really, the only question this outfit doesn't raise is who's going to get a visit from social services in the next few days. 

9. Scream 

"I'm feeling a little woozy here, man."

"Why?"

"Your kid keeps stabbing me."

"Oh, ha, ha. It's Halloweeen."

8. Michael Jackson

Dressing up your child as bait for a pedophile is one thing. Dressing him up as a convicted child molester. Is a whole other ball of responsibility.

 Who's wearing a white glove and likes to touch little boys? This guy!

7. Biker Guy

It's bad enough when Uncle Rex comes to visit at Christmas, now poor Timmy is starting to dress like him. This costume brings all the subtle costume nuances of the Blue Oyster dancers from Police Academy with the tattooed, mentholated white trash whirlwind you've come to associate with your brother's seasonal visits. 

6. Pinhead

In case you haven't seen Hellraiser, Pinhead is a torture demon from Hell. He dresses in leather, accessorizes in needles, and has killed more innocent people than George Bush. So of course there's a kid-sized version of this costume.

 5. Naught Devil

There are plenty of perfectly acceptable devil costumes for kids out there (unless you live in the Bible Belt), but this one borrows just a little too much from the whole sluttified genre of adult costumes. From the corset, wenched up boob design, and the frilly miniskirt, you've just sent your daughter into the world with a big red A on her lacy dress.

4. Gringo

This was fortunately not a line that the costume makers chose to expand otherwise we might have gotten the bagel-gnoshing Jew or the laundry-washing Chinaman. Instead we're left to wonder at what might have been and to what neighborhoods it's appropriate to send little Johnny to beg for candy. Certainly nowhere in Miami, I can tell you that.

 3. Hannibal Lecter

Yes, that Hannibal Lecter. The man who ate a man's brains directly out of his head. Just, just wow. Could it get any more appropriate than this?

2. Michael Myers

Of course it could. At least it can't get worse than the star of the hundreds of Halloween movies. An unstoppable juggernaut who has stabbed his way through two decades of unfulfilled horny teenagers.

1.  Walking Dead- Sheriff Rick Grimes

Silly me.

Dear irresponsible parent. Stop picking out your kid's costumes. You have no sense of judgement.