17 Slutty Halloween Costumes Gone Wrong (Part 1)

Let me first say that I am a big fan of the whole slutty costume genre. The slutty nurse, librarian, angel, heck, even the nun. I'm even willing to overlook the slutty vampire and slutty zombie because undead cleavage is still cleavage and needs love, too.

It's an easy formula. Hot woman + low cut shirt + high cut skirt = awesome. And let's throw in a couple of male fantasy figures (e.g., the Catholic schoolgirl, the airline stewardess, the fast food fry chef. OK, the last one might just be me.) as the cherry on what's already a fucking awesome ice cream sunday.

But occassionally costume makers try to think outside the box, which is a mistake. The box is awesome. The box has perky, wenched up boobs and underwear slips. The box should never, ever be tampered with. Because when you  do, you wind up with boner-crushing results like these:

17. Slutty Big Bird

Can you tell me how to get some candy?

That's right. Big... Fucking... Bird. An androgynous, schizophrenic yellow bird who terrorizes children on Sesame Street with visions of an invisible, talking wooly mammoth.

Let's set the record straight-- aside from Mr. Cooper, there is nothing on Sesame Street even remotely sexy.

And the man just can't help it. He oozes sex from his pores.

I mean how can you look at this costume without flashing back to kindergarten when you were only just beginning to question the nature of Bert and Ernie's relationship. It was a simpler time when your life centered around chocolate milk, playground swings, and Saturday morning cartoons. Nothing should sully that.

And what's more, the good folks at Seasame Street should have know better than to have signed off on this officially licensed costume. I mean have they learned nothing from Kevin Clash? Start introducing sex onto Sesame Street and before you know it, the Muppets will get in on the act, too. I mean, can you just imagine, a slutty Kermit the Frog?

16. Slutty Kermit the Frog

I just died a little inside.

There are so many things wrong with this outfit, I don't even know where to begin. For one, this isn't even a costume. Somebody took the slutty ballerina outfit, dyed it green, and put a picture of Kermit on the shirt. Second, they named  it 'Sassy Kermit the Frog'. Third, IT'S A FUCKING BLONDE BIMBO IN A KERMIT COSTUME. I could see doing this with Miss Piggy. Maybe. She always seemed pretty loose. But don't mess with the man who sang Rainbow Connect. Just. Don't.


15. Sexy Boba Fett
Let's pretend that the last three Star Wars movies didn't happen. Boba Fett is not a whiny adolescent clone with an Oedipal compelx. It's 1977 and he is mysterious, silent, and has a goddamn jetpack on his back. Like all the time. Even when he showers. The man is ready to be awesome at a moment's notice.

He had like five seconds of screen time in the original films and still managed to be one of the most talked about characters. And this is a movie with more cultural icons in it than Betty Ford. He was the tits, is what I'm saying. Well, not literally of course.

I stand corrected.

This costume manages to be lame on so many levels that it makes you forget that what you're essentially looking at is a Catholic School Girl outfit (complete with leggings). The makers thought fuck the jetback, fuck the badass battle worn helmet, and fuck the cock-sized pistol...she can just stand there and point her finger in the air and look all cute. Well fuck you, no she can't. The only thing this bitch can bob for at my party is the door.

Oh well, at least they didn't ruin Darth Vader.

14. Slutty Darth Vader

Sorta puts a new spin on the line, 'Use the force.'

Sigh. And they didn't even include the fucking mask. You could wear a pair of black pants and a black sweatshirt and you're just a pervert in the bushes. But put on a Darth Vader mask and suddenly you're the baddest person in the whole universe. Shit, you wouldn't even have to wear pants. The mask is what makes Darth Vader Darth Vader. But this craptastic costume is just a patterned miniskirt and a sad looking light saber that, I'm sorry, we all know is just a penis.

13. Slutty Clockwork Orange

You don't want to know what she does with the cane.

Oh come on! Did you even see the movie, costume makers? Fuck, all you had to watch was the first five seconds when the main character says, "This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence." That's the whole goddamn movie. Violence. And something about society and youth and the establishment and, I don't know, utopia and whatnot. But mostly it's about violence. Women get raped, a drunk gets beaten, and a guy gets his head crushed with a gigantic cock statue. Does that sound even remotely sexy to you? If you got an erection anywhere during this movie, you're a psychopath. Go get yourself tested. And the costume makers, in their enormous wisdom, made two sluttified version of this outfit-- one with shit-kicking knee high combat boots which I guess is part of foreplay wherever these were made.

Why stop there? If we're going to tart up violent characters from iconic movies, why not just make a slutty Leatherface?

12. Slutty Leatherface

In my head, I've re-inserted this Leatherface into all the movies. This actually improves the 3-D one.

Leatherface is the main baddie in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a movie so violent it was banned in numerous countries and significant portions of the film had to be trimmed just to earn an R-rating. Leatherface is a hulking, chainsaw wielding apparition in an apron covered with blood stains from his numerous victims. And oh yeah, he's got a mask made from human skin.

Some costume maker must have watched this movie and thought, damn Leatherface, why don't you take off that mask and let's get freaky? The result is an outfit consisting of a torn tunic, thigh high hooker boots, and a rubber chainsaw. No mask. No apron. Not even a damned name tag. So ladies be prepared to answer this question all night, "So what are you dressed as?" (to be followed by "Want to playing bobbing for cock?"

11. Slutty Jason and Slutty Freddy

And Camp Crystal Lake was booked solid for years to come...

And while we're at it, let's ruin a few other horror movies...Jason and Freddy are the now iconic ghouls behind the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th films; two franchises which have spawned 2385 sequels combined. Their garishly deformed and brutalized faces appear on everything from action figures to kids lunch boxes. But there was a time when these guys were responsible for 98% of the nightmares in America. They were unstoppable aberration; impossible killing machines that ran on screams and fear-pee. And now they're tarts in miniskirts. At least they gave the Jason costume the iconic hockey mask. Of course she can't put it on because it won't fit over her enormous hair and it might ruin her lipstick, but the costume makers at least made some effort here. Freddy's deformed face, on the other hand, is understandably missing--it's hard to be pretty when you look like a burn victim. And isn't that what Halloween is really all about?

10.  Slutty Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The turtles are muck-dwelling, glorified lizards who were exposed to toxic waste and turned into mutant killing machines by a 6 foot rat. Are you as turned on as I am right now?

I found seven versions of this costume. Seven. And I'm sure there's more. Besides the requisite short skirt and titty squeezing top, want to know what they all have in common? Not one of them features a fucking turtle mask. Wearing a green outfit does not make you a turtle in the same way that driving a Porsche does not make your cock any bigger.

And just for the record, the subject of nuclear waste has not raised a single trouser tent anywhere. Not even in fan fiction, and those freaks jack off to Harry Potter.


Tomorrow: 1-10. If you want to see the second half of this article alive, go and buy my Bud the Crud. 

The Top Five Most Inapporpriate Lego Minifigures

The Top Five Most Inappropriate Lego Minifigures

Write what you know, the old adage goes. Sadly, as I've gotten older, my wheelhouse has shrunk from at least a passing knowledge of fine literature, philosophy, and cheap wine to Legos, American Girl, and good places to cry while at work (First floor men's room, by the gym. For some reason, it's like 95 degrees in there, always empty and smells like lilacs. You can turn off the lights, cram yourself under the sink, and settle in for a nice bout of self-pity and loathing).

All is not lost though. My toy knowledge is enough to make me the hit of any 8-year old birthday party. And getting to play with toys in a non-creepy context (with one's own children), is a great way to reconnect with your own youth and the kind of wreckless, f-the world abandon that only people whose soft spot just closed up can experience. It's fun and innocent and pure. Except when it isn't. Then it's awkward, inappropriate and unsettling in a way that only a serial-killing janitor working at an elementary school can convey. Like in these examples.

Top 5 Most Inappropriate Lego Minifigures

If you grew up in the 70's or 80's, odds are you had at least a few Lego sets in your room. And by in your room I mean scattered across the floor like barbwire for your feet. And maybe you even remember these guys:

Or if you were that rich kid with the swimming pool and the seemingly endless supply of Izod shirts, you probably had a few of these as well.

Aargh! We're made of plastic and seem non-threatening. But when you’re not looking we’re going to rape your sister’s Barbie doll and plunder your dad’s coin jar.

And that was about it. The little Lego minifigure had two facial expressions (happy and constipated) and about four outfits to choose from- cop, astronaut, pirate, and knight.

They made these guys look like United Colors of Benneton.

But nowadays, the Lego minifigure has evolved into an art form.

Don't even bother trying to look up her skirt. It's solid plastic.

And just like any art form, the bounds of good taste, common sense, and human decency often get pushed beyond reason (and sometimes bound up, gagged, and left for dead in an abandoned field).

Just like this but with less urine.

So without further ado, I bring you the five most inappropriate incarnations of the beloved 1-inch plastic figure who's been dry humping bricks in your bedroom since 1976.

5. Slave Leia

Not pictured: Chain accessory (seriously) and my raging hard-on

I didn't want to include anything from Star Wars here because 1) a few years back I had a two hour argument with my wife over whether it was approrpriate to show the original trilogy to my then five-year old son ("There's fucking Ewoks in there!" was apparently not a cogent argument for allowing him to) and 2) This particular figure stirs up some, um, special  memories for me. Boner related memories. In fact, all you have to do is just say 'Princess Leia in the gold bikini' and you can raise a trouser tent on anyone over 35. Fuck viagra. But here she is anyway. Just sitting there looking all coy and whatnot.

"Daddy."

And can you just imagine what happened when Jabba took her prisoner and started coming at her with that giant tongue of his.

"Hey, Daddy."

There's got to be some internet fan-fiction about that. I can't be the only one who's thought of that. And if not, I'm going to write it, by god. It'll be my Moby Dick.

"DAD!"

Not now son. Daddy's thinking about something.

Pictured Above: Actual glimpse inside my brain
(and the greatest photograph ever to not win a Pulitzer Prize). 

4. "German" Soldiers

They can sieg heil with the best of them.

That's what Lego calls these seemingly harmless little army men from their Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark series. German soldiers? You don't mean...?

Yup, Fucking Nah-zis

Maybe you don't remember Raiders of the Lost Ark. Maybe you just got out of a third world prison where the only thing shown on television was sheep herding and Antiques Roadshow. But those 'German' soldiers I mentioned...those are Nazis. As in Jewish-killing machines of hatred and goosestepping, knitted together from burlap, fascism and nightmares. And did I mention I'm Jewish? Not like Orthodox Jewish. I eat pork. I'm actually eating some right now. But still I'm not so leninent in my beliefs that I think buying my son a toy representing the fucking third-reich is a good idea.

I ask you, is there anything more unsettling than watching your Jewish son splayed out on the floor with a handful of 'german soldiers', making pew-pewing sounds (because all guns become lasers in the hands of a child), at a group of helpless and unarmed minifigures (i.e., Jewish refugees). Besides getting a colonscopy performed by Freddie Krueger, I sure as shit can't think of any.


3. Zombie

This one seems harmless enough. I mean, zombies are everywhere now. In kids cartoons, video games, books, etc. All that's missing is a breakfast cereal.

I stand corrected.

But having a little zombie to play with resulted in a very awkward conversation with my son. Kids have a natural ability to deconstruct things very fast (i.e., their bullshit detectors are very finely tuned). So our discussion, upon him opening up a minifigure pack and finding this figure went like this:

"Dad what's a zombie?"
"It's uh, a monster."
"Yeah, but what kind of monster?"
"Like a slow one."
"Does he eat people?"
"Um..."
"He looks dead."
"Uh...dead?"
"What happens when you die?"

<Mind you, I was trying to beat Candy Crush level 65 at this point. I was not prepared for a deep-seated philosophical discussion with a 7-year old about the ramifications of death. And also my tongue had inflated to twice its natural size and could be used as a flotation device>.

"Great Grandpa's dead, right? Is he going to come back?"
"Let's just put this back in the pack, okay?"

The Lego people went to great detail on this figure, putting our zombie in a ripped suit, just like the one we buried great grandpa in, and giving him a chicken bone to munch on (because apparently, this is a vegetarian zombie, though it still creates the problem that he would have had to rip it off a live chicken. I mean, can you imagine the plastic carnage?). Nevermind, it's still not as bad as...

2. Hazmat Guy

Because nothing says fun like cleaning up toxic waste. Notice the sweat on the guy's forehead? Shit, this guy is worried! Everybody run!

This was another one that seems pretty inocuous on the surface but became more troubling for the conversation it created. I'll spare you the blow by blow, but what started as a simple discussion about Mr. Hazmat guy's job description became a full blown discussion on global warming, the environment, recycling, depletion of natural resources, and worldwide planet extinction.

We're all going to die! Wait, what happens when you die...?

1. Oola

Fuck, I put Star Wars on here twice. Don't tell my wife.

In case you don't remember Oola, she appears for about 10 seconds in Return of the Jedi. Just long enough to entice an entire generation of future nerds with their first glimpse of side boobage (and for many, their only. Thank god for the pause button). Her outfit is knitted together (barely) from mesh and chains and bare skin and boners--something which would be perfectly acceptable at any fetish club, but not so much in your children's SpongeBob themed bedroom.

Even these guys wouldn't have her.

She's also a minor character in every sense of the world. She dances, tugs on her chain, and then thrusts herself down the gullet of the nearest Sarlacc monster (presumably to get away from Jabba's ginormous tongue). Does she deserve her own Lego minifigure? Hell no. A life-sized, anatomical doll? Abso-fucking-lutely. In fact, here's my bank card. Just take what you need.

Notice the detail, too, on this minifigure. After asking themselves if it was really necessary to make a toy of an actress who does nothing but dance suggesstively, dress sluttily, and die horribly (the answer was of course a resounding 'Fuck Yeah!'), Lego then asked themselves, shouldn't we church this completely pointless minifigure up a bit for the kiddies? You can guess the answer to that one. Notice the bare boobs drawn underneath the outfit? Yeah, that just happened. And your son is playing with him right now. You're just going to have to wait your turn.


You're welcome.

When Jamie Wasserman is not crying on bathroom floors or playing with Lego, he writes books. His newest is called Bud the Crud and unlike these minifigures, it's perfectly safe for the child in your life.

Bud the Crud and the Vampire-Werewolf Wars