What I Learned from Selling My Ouija Board on Ebay

In my continuing attempt to sell everything in my house not bolted down to further my fancy hat collection, I decided to list our vintage Ouija board on Ebay.  For those that have spent the last 50 years either under a rock or in a correctional institution (you'd be amazed how much of my reading audience includes one or the other), a Ouija board is a spirit board used by teenage girls to contact the spirit world. It's made from a mystical combination of plastic and cardboard by the Satanic church of Milton Bradley.

You'd think such a transaction would go relatively smoothly, but apparently I was vastly unprepared  for the level of freakitude the spirit worlds had sent my way.

Worth it.

Just in case you find yourself cash-strapped and decide to offer up your cherished Ouija, here are some tips to prepare yourself:

4. There are four types of Ouija buyers:

• Board game collectors (yes, this is a thing)
• People who want a 'connected' board
• Christians
• Small children who got a hold of their parent's computer and who went on a bidding streak

Board game collectors will ask you a million questions related to condition. Take a lot of pictures and do not make snarky comments about 'mystery stains from the spirit world'. Board game collectors do not have a sense of humor.

I was fully expecting the board game collector questions. Collectors, for the most part, are all different sides of the same anal retentive coin. I was not, however, prepared in the slightest for the avalanche of crazy that followed the usual questions about the 'integrity of the cardboard box'.

3. Buyers don't just want a Ouija board, they want a creepy story to go with it.

For the 'connected' buyers, it's not enough that your board does not contain any dried up Cheetos, it must be a fully operational gateway to the other side.

Can't a brother use the toilet without getting summoned?

These buyers want to hear about how you acquired the board (i.e., found it in a cemetery on the tomb of a convicted serial killer, obviously), why you're selling it (i.e., because you were unprepared for the angry spirits who kept visiting you), and if you had any notable experiences while using the board (i.e., you're too freaked out to talk about it).

I'd like to remind my readers that this game is made by Milton Bradley, the same people who make Candy Land. It's about as mystical as a pair of argyle socks but making up shit is apparently part of the social contract of selling Ouija boards and it is your solemn duty to honor that.

2. Beware the Christian buyers.
So apparently in certain Christian circles (you guys have circles right?), Ouija boards are taboo. Something about witchcraft and and Dungeons and Dragons and Harry Potter and Gary Busey all being aligned with demons and the devil.  I wasn't entirely paying attention as I was masturbating furiously while watching The Exorcist.

These buyers do not want a 'connected' board. They want a clean board, one that has preferably been blessed by a Catholic priest. They want assurances that nothing weird has come anywhere near this board. They want you to tell them about how clean the planchette is and how you only used it at your youth group after the elders had gone to sleep. For them, this purchase would be like you buying a slutty pair of underwear. Something you can slip on for a while to feel naughty, but can change out of the moment it starts riding up your butt. I think that metaphor holds.

Do not confuse the 'connected' buyers with the Christian buyers or be prepared for an avalanche of Biblical quotes.

And not even the cool ones.

There's at least six people in Michigan who are praying for my soul right now so I guess, if nothing else, I've got that going for me.

1. Ouija Boards are a Nightmare to Mail

Seriously, just look at that thing! It's like two pizza boxes stacked next to each other. Boxes tend to be tall and squat, not flat and long. You were probably expecting some wry comment here, but honestly I was just wondering if you had something that fit. I've got a Bible study group in Des Moines who's been waiting on this thing for a month. 

Six Hilarious Failed Attempts at Religious Toys

Religion can be a hard sell. There's a lot of standing and sitting and standing again, the wine generally sucks, and most of the holidays tend to get scheduled during football. So you can imagine that it's a little extra challenging to get a child excited about it, a creature whose attention can only be focused on repetitive viewings of Dora the Explorer cartoons and who still gets excited about wiping their own ass.

That's why it's understandable when religious leaders might take some, ahem, unorthodox approaches to getting the wee ones hooked on the sweet, sweet high of salvation. And sometimes these approaches work. There's religious-based concerts, comic books, cartoons. All methods used to reach the nation's young with varying success. But nowhere does it go so spectacularly wrong when the religion and toy industry meet in a collision of crazy, tradition, and way too much Manischewitz.

6. The Last Supper Playset

The Description: "The last Supper Building Block Set allows children three and up to build and reenact The Last Supper in their playrooms."

The Failure: Look, I get that the Last Supper is a very important story in the Christian religion, but this fails on just about every level. "Kids, experience the thrill of setting the table. And when you're done, betray them for extra money in your allowance next week."

5. David's Wooden Slingshot

The Description: "David's Wooden Slingshot. 7 1/4” Wooden Sling Shots. Each handle is wrapped in jute with a genuine leather launcher."

The Failure: 
David and Goliath is one of the more badass stories in the Bible and, understandably, there's plenty of action figures to be had out there. But this isn't a toy, it's a weapon. They even wrapped the damn thing in leather so you'd know it'd last. All that's missing is a warning label on the package which reads 'Rocks and eye gauze not included'.

4. Angel Wars Trading Cards

The Description: 
"Angel Wars is a solution to games filled with magic, wizards, and the occult such as Pokemon & Yu-Gi-Oh, For ages 7 and up."

The Failure:
God (ahem) forbid kids play with anything involving magic or cuddly, sexually ambiguous monsters. Here, play this game involving a group of anthropomorphic angels beating the ever loving shit out of each other as they compete for their dad's love. And also the devil is there, too. Yes, much better.

3. Large Shul Religious Building Blocks

The Description: 
"Shul has many benches, a bimah, seforim shank and an aron kodesh with 2 sifrei torah! Set includes special stickers that are reusable. Beautiful step by step instructions are included. Will keep kids entertained for hours on end."

The Failure: 
If benches and instructions are highlighted in your toy's product description, you've done something wrong. This product does nothing to get kids excited to about going to Temple. All it teaches them is that even Legos can be boring if you inject enough religion into it.


2. My Soft Rosh Hashana Set

The Description:

"8 piece velour Rosh Hashana set in a vinyl carrying case. Fun and educational. Includes apple, honey jar, shofar, 2 round challahs, 2 candles in holders, and a Kiddush cup. A full Yom Tov experience!"

The Failure:
Interesting idea. Poor, poor execution. Let's look at what you're giving little Yakov to play with here-- a wine cup, simulated flaming candles, and a Shofar which is a ram's horn, but let's just admit it, looks exactly like a bong.  The set also includes apples and a honey jar-- i.e., the answer to the question 'What else can you make a bong with when you can't find  your pipe?'

And it's not like the kid is going to keep the set together. No, it's going to end up scattered all over his room for the maid to find and wonder just what the hell you're trying to teach your kid.

1. Zions Action Figure

The Description:
"Piece of History studios are proud to present the first “Israeli action figure” ever made: The AustroHungarian journalist and "Visionary of the Jewish State," Theodor Herzl. This 3D action figure is a miniature replica of the famous photograph of Herzl in Basel, Switzerland, 1897."

The Failure:
Their first failure was in their understanding of the word 'action' because an old guy leaning on a fence does not exactly scream breath-taking articulated fun. It also makes me question their understanding of the words 'best seller' and 'proud'.

Just what is a kid supposed to do with this? Lean the figure against more exciting toy sets like his Death Star or GI Joe battleship?