The Five Worst Perfumes Found at the Flea Market (Sampled)

Previously, I ventured to the local flea market in search of craptastic gold. This time, I went back armed only with my wallet, Binaca (did you know they still make this stuff?), and a seven year old girl who gravitates towards shiny objects like Golem at the annual Kay Jewelry half-off sale. Because he liked rings, you see. It's not my best metaphor, I know. Moving on.

After bouncing from various jewelry stalls, we ended up at a surprisingly fancy and well-stocked perfume stand.

Mixed in with the usual expected standards like dusty, long-forgotten bottles of Drakar and Obsession were some truly inspired concoctions of scents that could have only been produced in either an alien world that has only the vaguest notion of what human beings should smell like, a third-world sweatshop, or a meth lab co-located in a botanical garden. And I was determined to sample them all. Here are the worst:

5.  Tweety

I'm not going to mock the Superman perfume. Superman is awesome and you can tell just by looking at the guy that he probably smells awesome too. I'm guessing coconuts with maybe a hint of lilac. No, it was the Tweety perfume that really intrigued him. Birds, even sentient, talking birds, are usually not the sweetest smelling of creatures. They're called fowl, for chrissakes. They poop in mid-flight which, although this is something I can only dream of doing, doesn't exactly lend itself to a night out on the town. 

The description on the bottle

...joyful citruses in top: bergamot, grapefruit, orange and pineapple. A heart awaits us with raspberry, rose, jasmine and water lily, while base notes add patchouli, sandalwood, vetiver and musk.

What it actually smelled like

A hobo who stumbled into a fruit cart. Desperation. 

4. Spongebob

It's right there in the song folks. Spongebob "lives in a pineapple under the sea." What about this says 'alluring scent'? Dead fish and ocean saturated fruit. Yummy. 

The description on the bottle

...flowery, refreshing and a lovely floral with sweet and citrusy fruits.

What it actually smelled like

Surprisingly very similar to the Tweety with just a hint of anxiety. In fact, I suspect they just switched the label. Or it could be that the over-powering scent of eau de diseased bird has overtaken my olfactory senses.  

3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Alright, whoever created this perfume obviously was not at all familiar with the characters. The ninja turtles were normal turtles who became mutated as a result of contact with radioactive sludge. To protect their identity, they live in a hidden lair in the damned sewer with a giant talking rat. This is eau de toilette in the most literal, awful sense of the word. 

The description on the bottle

Musk, Citrus, and Fruity.

What it actually smelled like

Musk is a surprisingly accurate description. Musk, however, is not what you want your child, whom I assume this perfume is targeted at, to smell like. Musky is how you describe the back of a shag-covered van. Or a guy named Vince with his shirt unbuttoned past his ribs. Musky is not how you want to send your daughter to pre-school. That's why you bathe her. 

2. Smurfs

Hopefully, you can see the big blue Smurf bottle in the middle of this picture. At this point, the perfume stall owner caught me snapping a picture with my phone and accused me of working for a rival to steal his prices. Apparently the world of flea market perfume is a cut-throat world filled with espionage, spies, and the constant threat of betrayal.

I guess Smurfs aren't so weird a concept for a child's perfume. They look clean enough even if they live in mushrooms. I've certainly had more than my fair share of Smurfette-related fantasies. But that's not Smurfette on the top of this bottle. It's Brainy Smurf. As in the most annoying, hated Smurf of all, and I'm including Hefty. They could have called Brainy Smurf Cock Block Smurf. Or Never Going to Get Any Smurf. It's not a scent you want on you or your child. That kind of shit doesn't wash off. 

The description on the bottle

A Floral Fruity fragrance for women. The fragrance features apple, mandarin orange, melon, pink jasmine, white lily and iris flower.

What it actually smelled like

Surprisingly not bad. Though I dare you to answer the question, "What is that lovely scent you're wearing?" at a party with a straight face (or any hint of dignity). 

1.  Justin Bieber, "The Key"

It's not a surprise that this is a thing. Every celebrity seems to get their own perfume at some point. Even Paula Dean has a chicken fat flavored cologne. But Justin Fucking Bieber? C'mon. He stopped being interesting or remotely likable three years ago.  I found myself wanting to punch the bottle. 

The description on the bottle

Honestly, I didn't read it. I was dealing with a lot of unexpected anger that this perfume was a thing.

What it actually smelled like

Douchiness. Pure, undiluted douchiness.

I ended up buying my daughter a bottle of Taylor Swift perfume ("surprisingly understated and sweet") just to convince the stall owner I wasn't secretly trying to overthrow his vast perfume empire.  

Ultimately, I left the flea market smelling like a combination of fermented fruit, long illness, and musky failure and yet somehow still feeling like a winner (at least I wasn't the guy who bought the Justin Bieber bottle). 

Top 10 Most Horrendously Awesome Flea Market Finds

I'm very fortunate to live a mere 15 minutes from a place that would rival the Star Wars Cantina for seediness, rough trade, and random acts of violence. I'm speaking of course about my local flea market. And today, I gave up the first quarter of what has been the beginning of yet another heart-wrenching season of football, for a quick jaunt past the massage parlor, bail bondsman, and police station to scour the aisles for the best junk and bootlegs money (and black market babies) can buy. 

10. Outlaw T-shirts

If you were in a scavenger hunt and you needed a Pancho Villa t-shirt to win, now you'd know where to go. This might, in fact, be the only place on earth where you can get shirts of the famous outlaw. Also available were Che Guevara and Emiliano Zapata, but this was the only one with a horse so it gets the win. For an extra $5, the vendor will bedazzle the shit out of it.

9. Guilt Trip Toys

This Barbie knock-off features a selection of outfits that would make Paris Hilton jealous. Made in China, because of course it was, it features the unfortunately appropriate broken attempt at English phrasing, "The Best Gilt for You." That is, buy these for your daughter or suffer years of guilt, resentment, and spite.

8. (Mad) Doctor Playset

This is an innocuous enough toy. A typical piece of hazardous plastic packaged around the theme of socially acceptable sexual activity for children--playing doctor. But look a little closer at the accessories included:

There's two canisters of unknown origin, a weird mushroom thing, and a computer spinning a DNA helix across the screen. Fuck. This isn't a doctor's kit (at least there's nothing like this at my HMO). These are the tools of some crazed scientist experimenting with gene splicing. If they had only paired this with a Swamp Monster type action figure, this would be the perfect toy.

Also, this kit includes real pills and yet still brazenly contains the choking hazard warning on the back.  

7. Too Much Information Underwear

In case you can't read the writing on this pair of panties, it says "Hot Lips". Thank god, there's a picture of actual lips on there otherwise we'd have the most open admission of STD's ever. If only that German au pair you met during the summer had picked up a pair, maybe it wouldn't still burn ever time you pee.

6.  Video Game Roulette

On the surface, this is just one of countless knock-off video game consoles being pumped out of China. But look at the box contents that are listed on the front, "Video game console, second console, Toy Gun." That gun is just a gun--it has nothing to do with the game system. Unless, of course, you count pumping a few rounds into Jimmy's ass for beating you for the hundredth time in "Supre Marvio Siblings."

5. Chickens

Is this even legal? This guy shows up every week peddling an assortment of domestic and exotic birds. Including one particularly grating parrot that I swear calls me a jerk-off every time I walk by. 

4. Hooker Club

I apologize for the blurry picture, but I had to snap it on the run. The guy selling it was twice my height and four times my weight and I make it a personal practice of mine not to bug people who sell knives, machetes, and num chuks for a living (it's worked well for me so far). This piece, however, was special. In case you can't tell, it's a staff with a nasty looking metal skull on the end. The staff is too short to be a cane, and the skull is too big to be anything but a brutal instrument of pain. In fact just about the only acceptable use for this thing would be beating a mouthy hooker who isn't bringing in enough money.

3. Police Brutality Playset

Just when you think the Chinese don't have a good understanding of American culture, they go and export something like this little treasure to us. The name of this kit is called, "Police Force" and you get the distinct impression they're using the word 'force' in its most violent sense. This toy includes a sawed off pump shotgun, a snub-nosed pistol, a serrated knife with built in brass knuckles, a baton, and a grenade. The inclusion of two badges is supposed to make the implied brutality okay, I suppose.

2. Killer Transforming Thomas

My kid goes apeshit over Thomas. And when he gets a hold of the iPad when we're not paying attention, he immediately kicks his feet up and chills to some highly inappropriate 80's Transformers cartoons on Netflix. If he could have a wet dream, this terrifying metal monstrosity would probably figure prominently. It's Thomas! It's a giant transforming robot! It's all nightmare. Like Thomas wasn't creepy enough, now we've given him the muscle to finally tell Sir Topham Hat to go to hell and the means to send him there. All that's missing is a gun, but you can always borrow one from the Police set.

1. Gay Cowboy Wear

There's only one place you can wear these boots-- Brokeback Mountain. And the hat is just...wow. Spangles, spangles, spangles. This is how Dorothy would have accessorized in the gay porn version of the Wizard of Oz. And you know what? She'd look awesome.