5 Classic Songs Ruined by the Movies

Movies and music go together like peanut butter and an over-heated sheep. That's not how the saying goes? There's something deeply wrong with me? Well, that's an article for another day. Today's topic is the seemingly blissful marriage of classic songs with film. But, like any marriage, things occasionally hit a bump. You come home to find your spouse in a spandex body suit covering herself in glitter and nothing is ever the same after that. Sure, you smile at each other and show up at all the kids' events, but you know, deep down, nothing short of a Tinkerbell/Captain Hook roleplaying session is ever going to please your mate. And you can't, you just can't, wear the hook. Not even for her. I've lost track again. Something about marriage. Or music. No, movies. Music and movies. And the movies that ruin those songs forever.

Sheep have such judgmental eyes.

5. Stuck in the Middle With You- Stealer's Wheel

Stuck in the Middle With You is not a Bob Dylan song despite what every user on Napster circa 1998 would have you believe (and every mis-labled illegally downloaded mp3 since then). The song was recorded by Stealer's Wheels, a band whose most notable accomplishment outside this single was recenlty reforming without any of its original members. The song is rambling, upbeat, sunny and a bunch of other adjectives that could also be used to describe the decade in which it was recorded ("shag-carpeted"?). 

Until, of course, it was completed ruined by Reservoir Dogs. Tarantino's first, and probably best film, blends 70's style, music and swagger with modern day violence and mayhem. And of course this also happens:

You know the scene. You see it even when you close your eyes. Michael Madsen's uber creepy dance with the open razor in his hands. The gasoline. The ear. The blood. So much blood. And all of it set to the tune of Stealer's Wheel chirpy little tune released in the middle of the most harmless decade of all time. Try hard as you might, every time you hear this damn song, you replay this damn scene over and over and over again. It's Tarantino's greatest crime.

Well, second.

4 Q. Lazzarus's "Goodbye Horses"

Q. Lazzarus may as well have titled their biggest hit "Goodbye Horses", the "Penis Tucking Song" instead. In the film Silence of the Lambs, the song supplies the soundtrack to this bit of movie magic.  

Can you imagine how happy this obscure artist was when he found out that his song was going to be used in a major motion picture featuring Sir Anthony Fucking Hopkins and Jodie Foster? Can you picture his face as he sat in the darkened theatre on opening night anxiously awaiting the moment when he'd hear the words he'd written played as the movie unfolded? You can almost hear him bragging to his new lady friend (who in any other circumstance, would have been way out of his league by the way). 

And then this happened.

I can't stop posting this picture!

Like burning down your last place of employment, that's the kind of thing that doesn't come off the ol' resume.

3. Dont stop Believin- Journey

It's hard to ruin a Journey song, seeing as how shitty they are to begin with. In fact, Don't Stop Believin is one of those songs that's been ruined more than once (beyond just by Journey's releasing it). But this song is resilient. This song has returned more times than John Travolta. Check it out. 

1. Bill Clinton appropriates the song as his unofficial theme. Later, BJ puns ensue.
2. Glee covers the song in their premiere- more BJ jokes ensue. 
3. And that takes us to The Sopranos

In the shittiest (or best, depending on how smart you want to appear) finale ever, Tony Soprano is gunned down (or is he?) to the tune of Don't Stop Believin'. What is the significance of this song at this moment? Much has been written. None of it makes sense. It's a shit song that raises my ire every time I hear it. Tony Soprano deserved a lot of things in the finale-- Journey was not one of them.

2. Singin' in the Rain- Gene Kelly

Even if you have never seen the film Singing in the Rain starring Gene Kelly, you know the song. Maybe you hate puppies and rainbows as well, I'm not even going to speculate as to why you'd deny yourself the pure joy that is seeing Gene Kelly dancing in the rain with nothing but an umbrella and a streetlight. 

This is not the rain scene I was referring to.

Go to Youtube and watch it now. Did you do it? Are you smiling? Well, then obviously you've also never seen Clockwork Orange.

Because you've clearly just time traveled back in time from a futuristic society where television and movies are no longer a thing, I'll explain Clockwork Orange as well. It's a movie so violent, it was banned in Britain for years (and this is a country that didn't bat an eye when the Spice Girls arrived). And one of the most violent scenes in the film features the main character beating the ever loving shit out an older man with a cane, all to the tune of Gene Kelly's incredibly bouncy classic song. 

Now whenever I hear Singing in the Rain, I find myself adding 'Whap whap whap' after every verse. I imagine giant concrete dildos and penis masks. And yes, this is all in the movie. I'm not giving you a glimpse into my tortured soul. Quite frankly, you couldn't handle it. 

5. Bohemian Rhapsody- Queen

If ever there was a Queen song that showed off Freddy Mercury's incredible vocal range or ecclectic musical influences, it's Bohemian Rhapsody. This single is probably the unlikliest rock and roll hit of all time, fusing hard rock and opera of all things into an eight minute song that every man, woman in child in America can sing along, too. And, unfortunately, also Canada. Because Canadian Mike Myers liked the song so much he stuck it in his extended Saturday Night Live sketch/movie Wayne's World. 

You know the scene-- a bunch of slacker douchebags head banging in a shitty car, rocking out to Queen. Which is unfortunately what anyone who sings the song alone in their car also looks like. The movie's biggest crime here is holding up a mirror where no one wanted one to begin with. There's a reason why there's no reflective surfaces at the Sizzler. 

Feel the judgmental sheep eyes on you?

5 Terrible Early Versions of Famous Songs

Genius does not emerge fully formed like Athena springing from Zeus' head. For example, it took me 16 drafts to come up with that opening line. The original draft looked like this:

Writing is hard.

And then I went to the kitchen to make a bagel and ended up watching Pawn Star reruns for an hour. When I went back to writing, I had forgotten my original idea, but fortunately had left the TV on the History Channel, heard an interesting fact and then decided to steal it for this blog post.

Pictured above: The creative process.

I'm also pretty sure I swiped the opening line of this article from a fortune cookie.

But that's the way the creative process works. If you were to take a peak at even the most successful artist's rough drafts, you'd be shocked at just how bad (or appalling) some of the early versions of your favorite works truly were. Like these:

5. Yesterday, The Beatles--A Denny's Commerical 
Yesterday, by The Beatles, is one of the most hauntingly beautiful songs ever written. With simple lyrics, it perfectly encapsulates feelings of loss, and separation, while still maintaining hope. As the story goes, Paul McCartney came up with the tune in a dream but the lyrics would have to wait.

As John Lennon explained it in that adorable Liverpool accent we all know and love, "The song was around for months and months before we finally completed it. We made up our minds that only a one-word title would  suit; we just couldnít find the right one. Then one morning Paul woke up and the song and the title were both there, completed. I was sorry in a way, we'd had so many laughs about it."

But did you know? 
The original lyrics, the one that John and Paul spent months laughing about, was an ode to breakfast.

Scrambled eggs
 Have an omelette with some Muenster cheese
 Put your dishes in the wash bin please
 So I can clean the scrambled eggs

Join me do
 There's a lot of eggs for me and you
 I've got ham and cheese and bacon too
 So go get two and join me do

Fried or sunny side
 Just aren't right
 The mix-bowl begs
 Quick, go get a pan, and weíll scramble up some eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs

Scrambled eggs
 Good for breakfast, dinner time or brunch
 Don't buy six or twelve, buy a bunch
 And we'll have a lunch on scrambled eggs

That's not a Weird Al send-up of Yesterday. Those are the original lyrics. Having come up with one of the most hauntingly beautiful tunes ever, Paul McCartney sat right down to pen an ode to something a chicken pops out his ass.

I just created an internet fetish.

Thank god, John and Paul let this one incubate (Pun!) before hatching (Pun!) the final lyrics.


4. Little Richard, Tutti Frutti- Butt Sex
Maybe you don't remember Little Richard. Maybe your parents were cool and listened to something besides 1950's music growing up. Good for you. All you need to know is that Little Richard is right up there with Elvis, Chuck Berry, Fats Domino, and Buddy Holly as one of the most important musicians to emerge from the early days of rock and roll. His music was loud, upbeat and infused doo wop with gospel and blues and rock and roll.

Little Richard's signature song was Tuti Frutti. And again, maybe you've never heard it, but it's a catchy, nonsensical, rambunctious sprawling tune that doesn't make a god damn bit of sense, "A whop bop-a-lu-mop, a whop bam boo. Tutti frutti, oh Rudy."

But Did You Know?
And that's because the original draft was an ode to getting anally penetrated by a man.

A wop bop a loo mop, a good goddam
 Tutti Frutti, good booty,
 If it don't fit, don't force it,
 You can grease it, make it easy.

The 1950's were a kindler, simpler time. A naive time. A time when a man could look like this and nobody would suspect he was a homosexual.

Which Little Richard was. In the most flaming sense of the word. And in the 1950's he was so enamored with being gay, he almost wrote the community's national anthem. Think about it. One of rock and roll's earliest signature songs was almost the soundtrack to the most fabulous (Pun!) coming out party ever.


3. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, Hugh Martin and Ralph Blane- Suicide is Painless
In a genre crowded with songs, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, is one of the most recognizable holiday songs around. It's been recorded by dozens of different artists, most famously by Judy Garland and Frank Fucking Sinatra.

In just four verses, this song captures everything that Christmas is supposed to represent--hope and joy and rebirth:

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on our troubles
Will be out of sight

But Did You Know?
The original draft of the song presented to Judy Garland was less 'Merry Christmas' and more 'Pass the razor blades.'

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
It may be your last
Next year we may all be living in the past
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Pop that champagne cork
Next year we may all be living in New York.

This was not a tune for a man having a holly, jolly Christmas. It was for the guy who'd just lost his wife and job and was celebrating his first Yule Tide in a motel by the railroad tracks.

So this guy again.

2. Purple Haze, Jimmy Hendrix- Science Fiction Geek
It pains me to write this. Purple Haze is Jimmy Hendrix's signature song. If you haven't heard it, you clearly are not my audience. I, I can't even look at you right now. For the rest of you, you will remember Purple Haze as the song that hippy girl played for you in her darklight-lit basement before giving you your first tab of acid. It played in the background at every smoke-filled college party you went to. It was the song, man. It defined the psychedlic, drug-fueled 1960's--a time when people were pushing their freedoms to the upper limits.

The best freedom is naked freedom.

But did you know?
Hendrix was less concerned with pushing the limits of his freedom and opening the doors of perception, and more concerned with penning an ode to his favorite sci fi writer Philip Jose Farmer. That's right, Jimmy Hendrix, psychedlic guitar god, wrote one of the earliest fan fics.

Try to stifle a yawn as you read this citation on Farmer's book from WikiPedia, "In the story set on a distant planet, sunspots produce a "purplish haze" which has a disorienting effect on the inhabitants."

Oh Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Is it any coincidence you died only months after the original Star Trek went off the air?

1. Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Wizard of Oz--Urban Rot and Decay
The Wizard of Oz is one of the most recognizable films of all time and Somewhere Over the Rainbow played no small part in that. It is a beautiful, uplifting meloday sung by Dorothy (Judy Garland) on her small Kansas farm as she imagines a bigger, brighter world beyond her own.

Probably not what she had in mind. But how awesome would that have been?

But did you know?
The original draft read more like a William Faulkner novel than the opening song in a movie that featured a race of people called 'munchkins'.

Somewhere down past the wheat field, way way back,
There's some land that I heard of a miles past the railroad track
Somewhere down past the wheat field, skies are gray
And the people that trudge to work do it day by day
Someday I want to see this spot
Where troubles grow like mildew rot ...so true
And everything revolves around
The money that they all have found -destroying values
Somewhere down past the wheat field, way way back,
Thereís a land that my curiosity wants a crack. (at)
If happy little bluejays fly beyond the wheat field, why oh why can't I?

This version of the song made it all the way to early shootings of the film. The dark lyrics changed the entire tone of the song. How noticable was the difference? Apparently, they couldn't stop Toto from howling throughout the recording. This set off a Rube Goldberg effect of scaring a coop of chickens, showering the set in feathers. Just a few simple verse changes and the Yellow Brick Road would have had to be renamed to the Feather and Chicken Shit Covered Path.

Five Classic 1980's Songs (That Could Never Be Recorded Today)

The 1980's were a simpler time.  A neon time.  A coked up, spandex, feel good time.  And the songs are very reflective of that attitude-- they are often upbeat, chirpy, and self-involved and also gloriously, wildly, and most unashamedly offensive in the worst possible ways.  And while nowadays it's trendy as hell to cover or mix songs from this era, I'd be willing to bet my hidden stash of leftover 1980's cocaine that no artist will ever touch these songs:

5. Killing An Arab, The Cure

The song:  The soundtrack band to every suicide that took place in the 1980's, The Cure takes Albert Camus' classic novel the Stranger and simplifies it to its most basic premise of Mediterranean murder.

The most offending line: The song itself really isn't all that offensive, especially if you take the time to learn about the book it's based on, but maybe, just maybe, lead singer Robert Smith could have gone easy on the chorus of 'Killing an Arab' a little bit which, I swear, he repeats 87 times. And it only gets a little more awkward each time. It's like riding in the backseat of your grandpa's car as he tries to navigate his way around the Puerto Rican Day Parade.

Why it would never fly today: Because 9/11, duh. And because, while it's perfectly acceptable to post military footage of terrorists getting blown up on your Facebook page, the entire world will rain hate down on your bigoted ass if you so much as make one unkind remark about the Muslim world.

4. Funky Cold Medina, Tone Loc

The song: A celebration of a new date rape drug that turns horribly wrong (wronger?), after the singer dopes up both his dog and a transvestite.

The most offending line: It's a tie between Tone's psychotically detached description of doping up a prospective date, which reads almost like a court deposition:

I went up to this girl, she said, Hi, my name is Sheena

I thought she'd be good to go with a little Funky Cold Medina

She said, I'd like a drink, I said, Ehm, ok, I'll go get it

Then a couple sips, she cold licked her lips

And I knew that she was with it

Or his proclamation that homophobia is okay because, hey, this is the 1980's man.

You know, ain't no plans with a man

This is the 80's and I'm down with the ladies

Break it down

Why it would never fly today: Because 1) Will and Grace made being gay cool and 2) date rape just isn't celebrated like it used to be.


3. Into the Night, Benny Mardones

The song: A crooner's plea for everyone to just back the fuck off him and his jailbait date because this is true love y'all and because he has no concept of how the legal system works.

The most offending line: Mardones wastes no time with that one. The opening line sets the tone right away,

She's just sixteen years old

Leave her alone, they say

Separated by fools

Who don't know what love is yet 

So clearly, if you're not down with underage love, you're a 'fool'. Later the song gets downright weird as Mardones dreams about gaining superpowers and flying his underage biddy away to his Silence in the Lambs-like basement for some hot, hot loving.

Why it would never fly today: Things are uncomfortable enough with underage celebrities phone pictures getting hacked and posted everywhere, we don't need the soundtrack to go with it.

Runner ups in the jailbait category:  Sister Christian (Night Ranger), Don't Stand So Close (The Police), Art Lover (Kinks), Seventeen (Winger) ... What was it about the 1980's and statutory rape?


2. Turning Japanese, The Vapors

The song: I'll let Rob Kemp, the Vapors guitarist explain this one, "It's a love song about somebody who had lost their girlfriend and was going slowly crazy, turning Japanese is just all the cliches of our angst... turning into something you never expected to."

Um, what? You got dumped and suddenly you're every terrible stereotype about Asian people imaginable? Who hurt you, Rob Kemp? Was it the guy who sold your girlfriend her Toyota?

Why it would never fly today: It's not really cool to hate the Japanese anymore. Not since Michael Keaton made loving the Japs adorable in Gung Ho.

1. The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun, Julie Brown

The song: Julie Brown's celebration of the valley girl lifetsyle two years after it stopped being cool played against the back-drop of a massive school shooting.

The most offending lines: Pretty much everything after the Homecoming Queen whips out her glock:

Debbie's smiling, and wiping her gun

Picking off cheerleaders one by one

 Oh no! Muffy's pompons just blew to bits

My God, Mitzi's head just did the splits!

My best friend is on a shooting spree

Stop it, Debbie, you're embarrassing me!

How could you do what you just did -

Are you having a really bad period?

Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen's got a gun!

 Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen's got a gun!

(Stop it, Debbie, you're making a mess

Powder burns all over your dress

Bloody bodies all over the quad

Who'd have thought she'd be packing a rod!)

An hour later, you know, the cops had arrived

Oh, but by then the entire glee club had died - no big loss

You wouldn't believe what they brought to stop

Tear gas, machine guns... even a chopper!

"Throw down your gun and tiara and come out of that float!"

Debbie didn't listen to what the cop said,

No, she aimed and fired, and now the math teacher's dead!

These aren't song lyrics, it's a coroner's report set to music. The song is ridiculous so it's easy to overlook lines like, "Powder burns all over your dress/ Bloody bodies all over the quad," but Jesus, this song is dark.

Why it would never fly today: Columbine and every school shooting afterwards. If you're going to sing about it, it better be tasteful and understated or, in the least, completely intelligible (see Foster the People, Pumped Up Kicks).


And just so I don't leave you on a sour note, here's Chuck Berry singing about his penis. A song that is just crying for a Miley Cyrus cover:

Five Songs That Aren't About What You Think

Five Songs That Aren't About What You Think

In literature class, book clubs, and porn conventions, you'll hear the word 'intent' mentioned over and over again. What did the author intend the ending/symbolism/awkward picture on the back cover to mean? What did the director intend when he let his dog run loose on the porn set? It was a dog, right? Not just some coked out actor in a dog suit? I wasn't really paying attention to that part.

Anywho, nine times out of ten we completely miss the author's intent. And whose fault is it? The fucking author that's who. It's their job to write something that can stand on its own. After all, the writer can't visit every single readers' house and explain what the symbolism of the train and the dark tunnel really mean (Isn't it obvious? Socialism, duh.).

Pictured Above: Not my penis.

But that one time out of ten, the author does their job perfectly and we still get it wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. Like these songs which we've been cheerfully humming and butchering for years without really understanding what we're singing.

5. Just Give Me a Reason (Pink)
What you're sure it's about: A couple that has grown apart.
But really, it's about: Female insecurity. That's right, Pink, the bastion of female toughness and independence has written the anthem for insecure, clingy women everywhere. Bear with me. The song is sung in turns.

First, the female speaker:

Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them

Gloria Steinem is probably rolling over in her grave right now (I'm just assuming she's dead. I guess I could check Wikipedia but I'm not feeling researchy). The woman identifies herself immediately as a victim, as having been seduced, and as having needed a man to 'fix' her. And how does he fix her? By making her 'pretty'. Girl power!

"I love being the weaker sex!"

Now you've been talking in your sleep, oh, oh
Things you never say to me, oh, oh
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love

Now that we've established our stereotypical gender roles, we get right down to the accusations and insecurity. What's got Pink all shaken up and feeling lost? The fact that her man is talking in his sleep and she doesn't like what she's hearing. My wife wakes up pissed at me all the time for stuff I do in my sleep--snore, steal her pillows, blanket, panties, etc. All justifiable. But for mumbling incoherent shit while I'm having that recurring dream about living inside a kangaroo's pouch? Not once.

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Now we go from anger to pleading. In Pink's mind, the relationship is doomed and all because her man uttered 'Rosebud' in his sleep. Quite frankly, he's lucky she didn't Bobbett his nuts off.

I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh, we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everythin'
And it's all in your mind
(Yeah, but this is happenin')

Enter our hero (i.e., the one who is not batshit crazy). The guy has just woken up. He hasn't even had time to drain the lizard, let alone unstick his eye boogers and he's already getting hit with accusations. In this stanza, we learn that not only does this poor sap have the patience of Job as he tries to reassure her, but that this has happened before ("Your head is running wild again"). I should also point out that, while he remained quiet throughout Pink's musical mood swing, she just can't resist interjecting. I could make some comment about this one being a spot on female trait, but I won't because I know my wife occasionally reads this blog.

You've been havin' real bad dreams, oh, oh
Used to lie so close to me, oh, oh
There's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh, our love, our love

Preach on, dude! Put the blame where it belongs. And protect your nutsack.

I'll spare you the rest of the song. They go back and forth. Nothing gets solved, but at the end, they're harmonizing together. And what are they harmonizing? Pink's original manifesto on insecurity. Proof positive that a guy will acquiesce and agree with a woman on just about anything if it will get him 1) laid, 2) fed, or 3) to the bathroom quicker.

Except me, honey, I'm evolved.


4. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds (The Beatles)
What you're sure it's about: LSD. Duh. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds stands for LSD. Plus the lyrics paint a surreal vision (with plasticine trees and marmalade skies no less), that echo what someone dosed up might see. And it's also the name of a stoner I knew in high school so don't try to tell me otherwise.

But really it's about: Except that it's not, you jaded and cynical human being. It's about a child's painting. Specifically a drawing Julian Lennon, John's son did for an elementary school friend.

Want to know what would make this drawing better? Acid, lots of acid.

The drawing, which featured bright stars in the sky (the diamonds) was titled, you guessed it 'Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds'. Isn't that nice? Of course the madness that follows the original song inspiration is probably the result of being locked in a closet for the weekend with Timothy Leary and a new batch he just whipped up, but let's just dwell on the child part.

3. 1999 (Prince)
What you're sure it's about: Partying! Specifically, a celebration of a new millennium. And it's become the anthem for every New Year's Celebration since. At least one of you reading this, lost their virginity to this song. I hope I'm not ruining any cherished memories here.

But really it's about: The Apocalypse. War. Nuclear Bombs. End of days. No, seriously.

In fact, it's not even subtle.

I was dreamin when I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray
But when I woke up this mornin
Coulda sworn it was judgment day
The sky was all purple,
There were people runnin everywhere
Tryin 2 run from the destruction,
U know I didn't even care

Picture Prince, standing all calm and Prince-like while people are losing their shit around him. The world's ending and he could give a toss. He's going to party until the end of time (which apparently is about two minutes from now). But that's just the opening dream-sequence to set the mood, right?

Uh, no.

But life is just a party, and parties werent meant 2 last
War is all around us, my mind says prepare 2 fight
So if I gotta die Im gonna listen 2 my body tonight

Not direct enough for you?
Yeah, everybodys got a bomb,
We could all die any day
But before I'll let that happen,
Ill dance my life away

We get it Prince, we get it.

It's easy to get lost in the upbeat riffs and the repeated use of the word 'Party!'. Our brains are like Ogre from  Revenge of the Nerds that way. We hear someone yell, 'Party!' (or 'Nerds') and we just up and lose our shit.  Plus who hasn't tried to pick up a woman by telling her you've got a lion in your pocket and baby, it's ready to roar?

Pictured Above: Also not my penis.

2. Sitting on the Dock of the Bay (Otis Redding)
What you're sure it's about: A man taking a reflective moment to enjoy the beauty of nature, specifically the tranquility of the water.

But really it's about: Loneliness and the futility of existence.

The song follows someone who has moved 2000 miles from his home to escape his problems only to find that nothing has changed, except now he's completely alone. He reacts to this by planting his ass near the water and dwelling on the sheer futility of existence.

Once again, there's no subtlety here:

I left my home in Georgia
Headed for the Frisco bay
'Cos I've had nothing to live for
And look like nothing's gonna come my way
Still not with me?

Look like nothing's gonna change
Everything still remains the same
I can't do what ten people tell me to do
So I guess I'll remain the same, listen

Deleted Lyrics: Sun's going down on the ocean/ gosh, this arsenic tastes funny.

The problem is that every time we hear this song we have an icy drink in our hand topped with a complicated assortment of fruit, plastic swords and umbrellas. We're probably staring at the damn ocean, too. Except that we're surrounded by friends or family or that secretary at work who'd do anything for a raise. We're not lonely. We're at the damn beach! And this song comes on and Otis starts whistling and all is right with the world. Except for the poor bastard in the song who, though it's not said, is probably contemplating stuffing his pockets with rocks and going out Virginia Wolfe-style.

1. Please, Please Me (The Beatles)
What you're sure it's about: I don't know, love or something.

There the Fab Four go again, making it as easy as possible for everyone to understand and no one was listening. It's easy to see how this one was misinterpreted as this single comes off their debut album-- you know when they wore natty suits and matching haircuts and it wasn't cool to pick on Ringo yet. The song itself is chirpy, catchy and upbeat. In fact, it's so bubblegum, you probably never even thought about the lyrics. It's short, so I'll give them to you in their entirety:

Last night I said these words to my girl
I know you never even try, girl
Come on, come on, come on, come on
Please, please me, wo yeah, like I please you
You don't need me to show the way, love
Why do I always gave to sat, love
Come on, come on, come on, come on
Please, please me, wo yeah, like I please you
I don't want to sound complaining
but you know there's always rain in my heart
I do all the pleasing with you,
it's so hard to reason with you
wo yeah, why do you make me blue?
Last night I said these words to my girl
I know you never even try, girl
Come on, come on, come on, come on
Please, please me, wo yeah, like I please you
wo yeah, like I please you
wo yeah, like I please you

But really it's about: You know! You're probably slapping your head right now (the one on your shoulders) for missing this one. I mean, who hasn't begged their significant other to please, please them, just not quite so eloquently as, "Why do you make me blue?" Still, it does make you appreciate Paul McCartney even more--the guy was a giver in every sense of the word. He just never got it back.

Don't do it, Ringo! I'll blow you.

Makes you want to re-listen to that Barry Mannilow Greatest Hits Album we all know you have under your bed a little more closely, doesn't it? In fact, the only song that's actually exactly about what you think is Jimmy Buffett's Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw, which of course is a deconstructive view of Marxist economics in post-cold war Russia.

I'm just kidding. It's about boning. Boning Marxists.

After we bone, let's go get a cheeseburger in paradise.

Did I mention that I write books? Here's my new one: Bud the Crud and the Vampire-Werewolf Wars