4 People Who Were Trapped (and Made it Awesome)

As much as we'd like to think otherwise, most of us would not deal well with being trapped. Even if we were trapped somewhere awesome, like in Julianne Hough's hot tub.

Put away that hacksaw, Carey. The elevator doors will open in like five seconds.

But the following people all found themselves alone, helpless, and helplessly trapped. Did they panic? No. Did they desperately search for someone to rescue them? No. They looked around, pumped their fists in the air like Judd Nelson at the end of Breakfast Club, and screamed 'Let's get this motherfucking party started!"

4. Celine Dion
Richard Dunn became stranded in a Las Vegas airport after getting bumped from two consecutive flights. He looked around at the empty terminal and thought, you know what would make this place more bearable? Celine Dion.

With the assistance of the only other human being he could locate in the empty airport, Trevor proceeded to produce his own Celine Dion video using only his iPhone and presumably an inordinate amount of Cinnabon. The results....well, rarely are the words Celine Dion and ‘awesome’ used in the same sentence, but there's no other words here.

3. Does it count if you trap yourself?

Trevor Runyon was a man with a plan. Unfortunately, that plan involved an insane amount of whippets first. After breaking into the local grocery store and hiding until closing, Trevor went to freaking town, destroying the whipped cream section, cooking himself half a dozen steaks, steaming up some shrimp, devouring a birthday cake, then promptly pissed himself and went to sleep.

Behold the face of the most pleased mugshot ever taken.

I regret nothing.

2. Traffic Jam Party

What do you do when you're stuck in traffic? Curse at other drivers? Count the people picking their nose? Question your life choices? All of the above? You know what you probably don't do? Bust out a steel drum and a limbo stick and party like it's 1999. Which is what these people did on the Pennsylvania Turnpike no less. Want to know what fun things happen on the Pennsylvania Turnpike? Leaving Pennsylvania. That's it.

1. The Human Bench
What would you do if you were stuck with a hot chick on an elevator? Tear off your clothes and beg her to do you for Mother Russia, right? No? Do my pick-up skills need work? Never mind. This isn't about another failed sexual experience on an elevator proving once and for all that Stephen Tyler is completely full of shit. This is about a guy on an elevator with a very, very old woman.

What would you do after you'd exhausted the woman's stock of hard candies and pictures of her grandkids? How would you pass the time? Does your answer look anything like this?

I'm not even sure I want to add a story here because that picture is so awesome.

In what sounds like the start of a porno, a 23 year old mover from a company called College Hunks, gets stuck on an elevator with a woman. The man's name is Cesar Larios which does nothing to diminish the porn set-up. But this woman is elderly (which still does not rule out the possibility of weird porn), and suffering from weak legs. The poor woman needed to sit. So Cesar did what I'm sure no one else in the entire world would even think to do. He bent over and acted as a human bench. For over 30 minutes. He let an elderly woman sit on him for 30 minutes. And he looked great doing it. 

Five Classic 1980's Songs (That Could Never Be Recorded Today)

The 1980's were a simpler time.  A neon time.  A coked up, spandex, feel good time.  And the songs are very reflective of that attitude-- they are often upbeat, chirpy, and self-involved and also gloriously, wildly, and most unashamedly offensive in the worst possible ways.  And while nowadays it's trendy as hell to cover or mix songs from this era, I'd be willing to bet my hidden stash of leftover 1980's cocaine that no artist will ever touch these songs:

5. Killing An Arab, The Cure

The song:  The soundtrack band to every suicide that took place in the 1980's, The Cure takes Albert Camus' classic novel the Stranger and simplifies it to its most basic premise of Mediterranean murder.

The most offending line: The song itself really isn't all that offensive, especially if you take the time to learn about the book it's based on, but maybe, just maybe, lead singer Robert Smith could have gone easy on the chorus of 'Killing an Arab' a little bit which, I swear, he repeats 87 times. And it only gets a little more awkward each time. It's like riding in the backseat of your grandpa's car as he tries to navigate his way around the Puerto Rican Day Parade.

Why it would never fly today: Because 9/11, duh. And because, while it's perfectly acceptable to post military footage of terrorists getting blown up on your Facebook page, the entire world will rain hate down on your bigoted ass if you so much as make one unkind remark about the Muslim world.

4. Funky Cold Medina, Tone Loc

The song: A celebration of a new date rape drug that turns horribly wrong (wronger?), after the singer dopes up both his dog and a transvestite.

The most offending line: It's a tie between Tone's psychotically detached description of doping up a prospective date, which reads almost like a court deposition:

I went up to this girl, she said, Hi, my name is Sheena

I thought she'd be good to go with a little Funky Cold Medina

She said, I'd like a drink, I said, Ehm, ok, I'll go get it

Then a couple sips, she cold licked her lips

And I knew that she was with it

Or his proclamation that homophobia is okay because, hey, this is the 1980's man.

You know, ain't no plans with a man

This is the 80's and I'm down with the ladies

Break it down

Why it would never fly today: Because 1) Will and Grace made being gay cool and 2) date rape just isn't celebrated like it used to be.


3. Into the Night, Benny Mardones

The song: A crooner's plea for everyone to just back the fuck off him and his jailbait date because this is true love y'all and because he has no concept of how the legal system works.

The most offending line: Mardones wastes no time with that one. The opening line sets the tone right away,

She's just sixteen years old

Leave her alone, they say

Separated by fools

Who don't know what love is yet 

So clearly, if you're not down with underage love, you're a 'fool'. Later the song gets downright weird as Mardones dreams about gaining superpowers and flying his underage biddy away to his Silence in the Lambs-like basement for some hot, hot loving.

Why it would never fly today: Things are uncomfortable enough with underage celebrities phone pictures getting hacked and posted everywhere, we don't need the soundtrack to go with it.

Runner ups in the jailbait category:  Sister Christian (Night Ranger), Don't Stand So Close (The Police), Art Lover (Kinks), Seventeen (Winger) ... What was it about the 1980's and statutory rape?


2. Turning Japanese, The Vapors

The song: I'll let Rob Kemp, the Vapors guitarist explain this one, "It's a love song about somebody who had lost their girlfriend and was going slowly crazy, turning Japanese is just all the cliches of our angst... turning into something you never expected to."

Um, what? You got dumped and suddenly you're every terrible stereotype about Asian people imaginable? Who hurt you, Rob Kemp? Was it the guy who sold your girlfriend her Toyota?

Why it would never fly today: It's not really cool to hate the Japanese anymore. Not since Michael Keaton made loving the Japs adorable in Gung Ho.

1. The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun, Julie Brown

The song: Julie Brown's celebration of the valley girl lifetsyle two years after it stopped being cool played against the back-drop of a massive school shooting.

The most offending lines: Pretty much everything after the Homecoming Queen whips out her glock:

Debbie's smiling, and wiping her gun

Picking off cheerleaders one by one

 Oh no! Muffy's pompons just blew to bits

My God, Mitzi's head just did the splits!

My best friend is on a shooting spree

Stop it, Debbie, you're embarrassing me!

How could you do what you just did -

Are you having a really bad period?

Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen's got a gun!

 Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen's got a gun!

(Stop it, Debbie, you're making a mess

Powder burns all over your dress

Bloody bodies all over the quad

Who'd have thought she'd be packing a rod!)

An hour later, you know, the cops had arrived

Oh, but by then the entire glee club had died - no big loss

You wouldn't believe what they brought to stop

Tear gas, machine guns... even a chopper!

"Throw down your gun and tiara and come out of that float!"

Debbie didn't listen to what the cop said,

No, she aimed and fired, and now the math teacher's dead!

These aren't song lyrics, it's a coroner's report set to music. The song is ridiculous so it's easy to overlook lines like, "Powder burns all over your dress/ Bloody bodies all over the quad," but Jesus, this song is dark.

Why it would never fly today: Columbine and every school shooting afterwards. If you're going to sing about it, it better be tasteful and understated or, in the least, completely intelligible (see Foster the People, Pumped Up Kicks).


And just so I don't leave you on a sour note, here's Chuck Berry singing about his penis. A song that is just crying for a Miley Cyrus cover:

4 Hilarious Side-Effects of Common Medications

Think of the most innocuous, harmless medication you can.  Did you say Aspirin? You should have said Aspirin.  I'm going to pretend you said Aspirin.

Good.  You and I are as one.  Now read the potential side effects printed in 4pt font and invisible ink on the side of the bottle:

• black, bloody, or tarry stools
• coughing up blood or vomit that looks like coffee grounds
• severe nausea, vomiting, or stomach pain
• fever lasting longer than 3 days
• swelling, or pain lasting longer than 10 days
• hearing problems, ringing in your ears

Less serious side effects may include:

• upset stomach, heartburn
• drowsiness
• headache

I'm sorry, 'headache'?  One of the side-effects of Aspirin is 'headache'?  That is literally the only reason to take Aspirin. You certainly can't crush it up and snort it for a cheap high (trust me).  Bloody stools, fine.  But headache?  Shame on you anonymous pill-makers.

"I didn't know."

At any rate, the point is even the most harmless, every-day pill represents a virtual mine-field of unintended, often awful, sometimes even crippling side-effects.  But occasionally, just occasionally, they are also wildly hilarious.

Like these. That's where I was going with this whole lead-in.

4. Viagra

Viagra is of course the drug used by porn stars and geriatrics alike in order to raise the flag over Monterey one more time...

"What a magnificent erection."

"That's a flag."

Boners. They're for getting boners. But apparently as Viagra pushes all that blood around in your body from one head to another, some unintended consequences occasionally occur.  Things like blue vision.

No, not blurry vision.  Blue vision.  As in the color blue.  That's right, the drug used most often to relieve blue balls can also create blue vision.  Needless to say, Viagra runs away with the award for  most ironic side-effect.

3. Dyrenium
And while your vision is already blue, you may as well pop the high blood pressure medication Dyrenium, because that shit is going to turn your pee pee a nice royal azure color as well.  I had a wonderful Smurf joke here.  It was tasteful and understated and did not at all imply that the drug made it look like you had blown way too many Smurfs while cosplaying at Comic-Con.

Smurf cosplay is totally thing. You probably thought I was making that up.

2. Mirapex 
Mirapex is used to treat the decidedly unfunny Parkinson's disease by raising the level of dopamine in the brain (something Parkinson's sufferers sorely lack). What was the effect of all that added dopamine, you ask?  God, you get me.  You know just what I want exactly when I want it.

Alcoholism.  Gambling.  Food binges.  Shopping Sprees.  And lots and lots of fucking.  Basically, if you had a minor interest in shoes before you started the Mirapex, you turned into Imelda Fucking Marcos.  If you liked to smoke a pipe on occasion and wear a bath robe, you became Hugh Hefner. Dopamine basically opened the flood gate of normal with a battering ram and screamed, 'Let the flood waters of crazy rise! I have no fucks left to give!'

There's crazy and then there's 'down Niagra Falls in a metal penis crazy'.

1. Propecia
Propecia is the main ingredient in Rogaine and is technically used to treat male pattern baldness but is really only successful in separating sad lonely men from their money (with a 100% rating!).  Along with the unfortunate side effects of brokeness and funny smelling scalps,  Propecia has also been known to grow boobs.  On men.  Big, milk-producing mammaries.  So yeah, you took Rogaine
to boost your confidence, maybe pick up some ladies. Turns out all it did was turn you into one.

On the plus side, look at that magnificent hairline.

Ironic Animal Attacks

Animals have no sense of irony. Nowhere is this more evident than in Anton Chekhov's short story "Lady with a Dog", and, oh my god, I've nearly put myself to sleep.

I can't come up with a clever intro. So here's a bunch of animals doing terrible things and terribly ironic things, without stopping to appreciate either because animals are both jerks and stupid.

5. Giant Squid Attacks Greenpeace Submarine
http://www.news.com.au/world/giant-squid-attacks-greenpeace-submarine/story-fndir2ev-1227088720037

"Get your tentacle out of my ass."

Clearly, this Greenpeace sub interrupted the squids' annual Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea reenactment party and their hostile reaction was only appropriate.

Irony Rating: 6 Eye Rolls. Who doesn't appreciate smug Green Peacers get a slap-down (tentacle-down) from the animal kingdom every now and again?

4. Swan Attacks Rescuer
http://abc13.com/pets/baby-swan-saved-man-attacked-by-angry-dad-swan-during-rescue/317731/

"You can blur his face but you can't protect his dignity."

When an adorable baby swan got caught in a fence, an old man swooped in to the rescue. Which, if you know anything about swans, is exactly the last thing you should do to a baby swan when its parent is nearby. Swans are actually the third dickiest of birds out there, just behind peacocks and pigeons (i.e., flying rats with wings).

Irony Rating: 7 Eye Rolls. This gets extra points for involving both a graceful bird freaking the fuck out, a baby, and an old man. It's a toxic, powerful combination for both humor and catastrophe.

3. Freed Minks Show No Appreciation
http://articles.philly.com/1998-08-12/news/25725544_1_mink-farm-animals-fur-coats

"Won't someone please think of the minks--oh, wait, never mind, they're bloodthirsty monsters."

Animal activists, whose thoughts were no doubt muddled by their strict vegetarian diets, decided to free almost 7000 minks from a mink farm into the English countryside in what was probably the most adorable stampede of all time. And how did those mink show their appreciation? By slaughtering every cat, hamster, chicken, guinea pig and hen that crossed their path. They've even targeted a few endangered animals as well. One of the minks' coordinated attacks (you can just picture them rubbing their tiny little paws together and chittering evilly) was on a bird sanctuary (i.e., a place that rescues animals), forcing the workers there to literally take up arms to protect their beloved birds. That's right, animal sanctuary workers are murdering one animal to protect it from another. This is a story that just keeps on giving.

Irony Rating: 10 eye rolls. Honestly, the only way this story would be perfect if the minks somehow found a way to combine like a Voltron of ungodly cuteness and destroyed the animal liberators headquarters.

2. Bull Attacks Activist
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/protester-gored-by-bull-cried-for-animal-1593226.html

"This is crazy. I can't believe we all wore the same outfit."

"Vicki Moore, the animal rights campaigner gored by a bull during a Spanish "blood fiesta", burst into tears and murmured "poor bull" when she was told that the animal had been shot after the attack." Who's crying now bitch!

The activist is now on a strictly meat diet.

Irony Rating: 4 eye rolls. Animal Activists, on the whole, are emotional, knee-jerk douches who subside purely on their own smugness and alfalfa sprouts. Anytime the animal steps in to give them a good beat-down is both ironic and appreciated.

1. Shot by a Camel
http://www.burkeandwills.net.au/Camels/Introducing_Camels_Into_Australia.htm

"In the camel world, this is pretty risqué porn."

It requires a lot of work to get shot by a camel. For one, they don't have opposable thumbs so there's that. Second, most camels' preferred method of warfare is projectile spitting. But that wasn't going to stop John Ainsworth Horrocks, an intrepid explorer in the days when people could still be called intrepid without rolling your eyes. Not only did John arm the camel, he had it imported into Australia just for the occassion.

While exploring southern coast, Ainsworth and his completely unironically named pet camel Harry decided to take a rest and shoot some local birds. The camel, sensing his window of opportunity, chose that moment to buck wildly, sending an errant shot into poor John's hand and face. He would die a month later from the wounds. Harry would be immediately put down. And Australia would have to wait decades until someone else would get shot by a camel.

Irony rating: 0 eye rolls. This isn't at all ironic, really. It's just a hilarious story of a dumb-ass on a camel getting shot and I couldn't resist including it.

Ten words of advice for loving a comic book nerd

Ten Words of Advice for Loving a Comic Book Nerd

1. Super heroes wear costumes, not outfits.
2. Likewise, a cape is not an accessory. It's badass.
3. Those aren't dolls in my room, they're action figures. And if you suggest opening and playing with them again, I swear to god I will leave you.
4. I'm thrilled you're reading one of my comic books, but if you bend the cover back I will tear out what's left of my hair.
5. Yes, Thor is a very handsome man. He's also the God of Thunder. Focus.
6. That guy at the comic book store you were making fun of is coming over to dinner. He owns a full run of X-Men. I worship him as a god, stained sweat pants and all.
7. It's Stan Lee. Not Stanley. Lee is his last name. If you remember nothing else, let it be this.
8. I will never go to a Ben Affleck movie with you. And if you have to ask why, I will openly question our love.
9. If I put on a tux and go to your cousin's wedding, you can wear one gold bikini and go with me to comic con.
10. If you don't question my packages from Ebay, I won't say anything about yours from Amazon.

Sent from my iPhone

Six Hilarious Failed Attempts at Religious Toys

Religion can be a hard sell. There's a lot of standing and sitting and standing again, the wine generally sucks, and most of the holidays tend to get scheduled during football. So you can imagine that it's a little extra challenging to get a child excited about it, a creature whose attention can only be focused on repetitive viewings of Dora the Explorer cartoons and who still gets excited about wiping their own ass.

That's why it's understandable when religious leaders might take some, ahem, unorthodox approaches to getting the wee ones hooked on the sweet, sweet high of salvation. And sometimes these approaches work. There's religious-based concerts, comic books, cartoons. All methods used to reach the nation's young with varying success. But nowhere does it go so spectacularly wrong when the religion and toy industry meet in a collision of crazy, tradition, and way too much Manischewitz.

6. The Last Supper Playset

The Description: "The last Supper Building Block Set allows children three and up to build and reenact The Last Supper in their playrooms."

The Failure: Look, I get that the Last Supper is a very important story in the Christian religion, but this fails on just about every level. "Kids, experience the thrill of setting the table. And when you're done, betray them for extra money in your allowance next week."

5. David's Wooden Slingshot

The Description: "David's Wooden Slingshot. 7 1/4” Wooden Sling Shots. Each handle is wrapped in jute with a genuine leather launcher."

The Failure: 
David and Goliath is one of the more badass stories in the Bible and, understandably, there's plenty of action figures to be had out there. But this isn't a toy, it's a weapon. They even wrapped the damn thing in leather so you'd know it'd last. All that's missing is a warning label on the package which reads 'Rocks and eye gauze not included'.

4. Angel Wars Trading Cards

The Description: 
"Angel Wars is a solution to games filled with magic, wizards, and the occult such as Pokemon & Yu-Gi-Oh, For ages 7 and up."

The Failure:
God (ahem) forbid kids play with anything involving magic or cuddly, sexually ambiguous monsters. Here, play this game involving a group of anthropomorphic angels beating the ever loving shit out of each other as they compete for their dad's love. And also the devil is there, too. Yes, much better.

3. Large Shul Religious Building Blocks

The Description: 
"Shul has many benches, a bimah, seforim shank and an aron kodesh with 2 sifrei torah! Set includes special stickers that are reusable. Beautiful step by step instructions are included. Will keep kids entertained for hours on end."

The Failure: 
If benches and instructions are highlighted in your toy's product description, you've done something wrong. This product does nothing to get kids excited to about going to Temple. All it teaches them is that even Legos can be boring if you inject enough religion into it.


2. My Soft Rosh Hashana Set

The Description:

"8 piece velour Rosh Hashana set in a vinyl carrying case. Fun and educational. Includes apple, honey jar, shofar, 2 round challahs, 2 candles in holders, and a Kiddush cup. A full Yom Tov experience!"

The Failure:
Interesting idea. Poor, poor execution. Let's look at what you're giving little Yakov to play with here-- a wine cup, simulated flaming candles, and a Shofar which is a ram's horn, but let's just admit it, looks exactly like a bong.  The set also includes apples and a honey jar-- i.e., the answer to the question 'What else can you make a bong with when you can't find  your pipe?'

And it's not like the kid is going to keep the set together. No, it's going to end up scattered all over his room for the maid to find and wonder just what the hell you're trying to teach your kid.

1. Zions Action Figure

The Description:
"Piece of History studios are proud to present the first “Israeli action figure” ever made: The AustroHungarian journalist and "Visionary of the Jewish State," Theodor Herzl. This 3D action figure is a miniature replica of the famous photograph of Herzl in Basel, Switzerland, 1897."

The Failure:
Their first failure was in their understanding of the word 'action' because an old guy leaning on a fence does not exactly scream breath-taking articulated fun. It also makes me question their understanding of the words 'best seller' and 'proud'.

Just what is a kid supposed to do with this? Lean the figure against more exciting toy sets like his Death Star or GI Joe battleship?

The Five Worst Perfumes Found at the Flea Market (Sampled)

Previously, I ventured to the local flea market in search of craptastic gold. This time, I went back armed only with my wallet, Binaca (did you know they still make this stuff?), and a seven year old girl who gravitates towards shiny objects like Golem at the annual Kay Jewelry half-off sale. Because he liked rings, you see. It's not my best metaphor, I know. Moving on.

After bouncing from various jewelry stalls, we ended up at a surprisingly fancy and well-stocked perfume stand.

Mixed in with the usual expected standards like dusty, long-forgotten bottles of Drakar and Obsession were some truly inspired concoctions of scents that could have only been produced in either an alien world that has only the vaguest notion of what human beings should smell like, a third-world sweatshop, or a meth lab co-located in a botanical garden. And I was determined to sample them all. Here are the worst:

5.  Tweety

I'm not going to mock the Superman perfume. Superman is awesome and you can tell just by looking at the guy that he probably smells awesome too. I'm guessing coconuts with maybe a hint of lilac. No, it was the Tweety perfume that really intrigued him. Birds, even sentient, talking birds, are usually not the sweetest smelling of creatures. They're called fowl, for chrissakes. They poop in mid-flight which, although this is something I can only dream of doing, doesn't exactly lend itself to a night out on the town. 

The description on the bottle

...joyful citruses in top: bergamot, grapefruit, orange and pineapple. A heart awaits us with raspberry, rose, jasmine and water lily, while base notes add patchouli, sandalwood, vetiver and musk.

What it actually smelled like

A hobo who stumbled into a fruit cart. Desperation. 

4. Spongebob

It's right there in the song folks. Spongebob "lives in a pineapple under the sea." What about this says 'alluring scent'? Dead fish and ocean saturated fruit. Yummy. 

The description on the bottle

...flowery, refreshing and a lovely floral with sweet and citrusy fruits.

What it actually smelled like

Surprisingly very similar to the Tweety with just a hint of anxiety. In fact, I suspect they just switched the label. Or it could be that the over-powering scent of eau de diseased bird has overtaken my olfactory senses.  

3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Alright, whoever created this perfume obviously was not at all familiar with the characters. The ninja turtles were normal turtles who became mutated as a result of contact with radioactive sludge. To protect their identity, they live in a hidden lair in the damned sewer with a giant talking rat. This is eau de toilette in the most literal, awful sense of the word. 

The description on the bottle

Musk, Citrus, and Fruity.

What it actually smelled like

Musk is a surprisingly accurate description. Musk, however, is not what you want your child, whom I assume this perfume is targeted at, to smell like. Musky is how you describe the back of a shag-covered van. Or a guy named Vince with his shirt unbuttoned past his ribs. Musky is not how you want to send your daughter to pre-school. That's why you bathe her. 

2. Smurfs

Hopefully, you can see the big blue Smurf bottle in the middle of this picture. At this point, the perfume stall owner caught me snapping a picture with my phone and accused me of working for a rival to steal his prices. Apparently the world of flea market perfume is a cut-throat world filled with espionage, spies, and the constant threat of betrayal.

I guess Smurfs aren't so weird a concept for a child's perfume. They look clean enough even if they live in mushrooms. I've certainly had more than my fair share of Smurfette-related fantasies. But that's not Smurfette on the top of this bottle. It's Brainy Smurf. As in the most annoying, hated Smurf of all, and I'm including Hefty. They could have called Brainy Smurf Cock Block Smurf. Or Never Going to Get Any Smurf. It's not a scent you want on you or your child. That kind of shit doesn't wash off. 

The description on the bottle

A Floral Fruity fragrance for women. The fragrance features apple, mandarin orange, melon, pink jasmine, white lily and iris flower.

What it actually smelled like

Surprisingly not bad. Though I dare you to answer the question, "What is that lovely scent you're wearing?" at a party with a straight face (or any hint of dignity). 

1.  Justin Bieber, "The Key"

It's not a surprise that this is a thing. Every celebrity seems to get their own perfume at some point. Even Paula Dean has a chicken fat flavored cologne. But Justin Fucking Bieber? C'mon. He stopped being interesting or remotely likable three years ago.  I found myself wanting to punch the bottle. 

The description on the bottle

Honestly, I didn't read it. I was dealing with a lot of unexpected anger that this perfume was a thing.

What it actually smelled like

Douchiness. Pure, undiluted douchiness.

I ended up buying my daughter a bottle of Taylor Swift perfume ("surprisingly understated and sweet") just to convince the stall owner I wasn't secretly trying to overthrow his vast perfume empire.  

Ultimately, I left the flea market smelling like a combination of fermented fruit, long illness, and musky failure and yet somehow still feeling like a winner (at least I wasn't the guy who bought the Justin Bieber bottle).