Ironic Animal Attacks

Animals have no sense of irony. Nowhere is this more evident than in Anton Chekhov's short story "Lady with a Dog", and, oh my god, I've nearly put myself to sleep.

I can't come up with a clever intro. So here's a bunch of animals doing terrible things and terribly ironic things, without stopping to appreciate either because animals are both jerks and stupid.

5. Giant Squid Attacks Greenpeace Submarine
http://www.news.com.au/world/giant-squid-attacks-greenpeace-submarine/story-fndir2ev-1227088720037

"Get your tentacle out of my ass."

Clearly, this Greenpeace sub interrupted the squids' annual Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea reenactment party and their hostile reaction was only appropriate.

Irony Rating: 6 Eye Rolls. Who doesn't appreciate smug Green Peacers get a slap-down (tentacle-down) from the animal kingdom every now and again?

4. Swan Attacks Rescuer
http://abc13.com/pets/baby-swan-saved-man-attacked-by-angry-dad-swan-during-rescue/317731/

"You can blur his face but you can't protect his dignity."

When an adorable baby swan got caught in a fence, an old man swooped in to the rescue. Which, if you know anything about swans, is exactly the last thing you should do to a baby swan when its parent is nearby. Swans are actually the third dickiest of birds out there, just behind peacocks and pigeons (i.e., flying rats with wings).

Irony Rating: 7 Eye Rolls. This gets extra points for involving both a graceful bird freaking the fuck out, a baby, and an old man. It's a toxic, powerful combination for both humor and catastrophe.

3. Freed Minks Show No Appreciation
http://articles.philly.com/1998-08-12/news/25725544_1_mink-farm-animals-fur-coats

"Won't someone please think of the minks--oh, wait, never mind, they're bloodthirsty monsters."

Animal activists, whose thoughts were no doubt muddled by their strict vegetarian diets, decided to free almost 7000 minks from a mink farm into the English countryside in what was probably the most adorable stampede of all time. And how did those mink show their appreciation? By slaughtering every cat, hamster, chicken, guinea pig and hen that crossed their path. They've even targeted a few endangered animals as well. One of the minks' coordinated attacks (you can just picture them rubbing their tiny little paws together and chittering evilly) was on a bird sanctuary (i.e., a place that rescues animals), forcing the workers there to literally take up arms to protect their beloved birds. That's right, animal sanctuary workers are murdering one animal to protect it from another. This is a story that just keeps on giving.

Irony Rating: 10 eye rolls. Honestly, the only way this story would be perfect if the minks somehow found a way to combine like a Voltron of ungodly cuteness and destroyed the animal liberators headquarters.

2. Bull Attacks Activist
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/protester-gored-by-bull-cried-for-animal-1593226.html

"This is crazy. I can't believe we all wore the same outfit."

"Vicki Moore, the animal rights campaigner gored by a bull during a Spanish "blood fiesta", burst into tears and murmured "poor bull" when she was told that the animal had been shot after the attack." Who's crying now bitch!

The activist is now on a strictly meat diet.

Irony Rating: 4 eye rolls. Animal Activists, on the whole, are emotional, knee-jerk douches who subside purely on their own smugness and alfalfa sprouts. Anytime the animal steps in to give them a good beat-down is both ironic and appreciated.

1. Shot by a Camel
http://www.burkeandwills.net.au/Camels/Introducing_Camels_Into_Australia.htm

"In the camel world, this is pretty risqué porn."

It requires a lot of work to get shot by a camel. For one, they don't have opposable thumbs so there's that. Second, most camels' preferred method of warfare is projectile spitting. But that wasn't going to stop John Ainsworth Horrocks, an intrepid explorer in the days when people could still be called intrepid without rolling your eyes. Not only did John arm the camel, he had it imported into Australia just for the occassion.

While exploring southern coast, Ainsworth and his completely unironically named pet camel Harry decided to take a rest and shoot some local birds. The camel, sensing his window of opportunity, chose that moment to buck wildly, sending an errant shot into poor John's hand and face. He would die a month later from the wounds. Harry would be immediately put down. And Australia would have to wait decades until someone else would get shot by a camel.

Irony rating: 0 eye rolls. This isn't at all ironic, really. It's just a hilarious story of a dumb-ass on a camel getting shot and I couldn't resist including it.

Ten words of advice for loving a comic book nerd

Ten Words of Advice for Loving a Comic Book Nerd

1. Super heroes wear costumes, not outfits.
2. Likewise, a cape is not an accessory. It's badass.
3. Those aren't dolls in my room, they're action figures. And if you suggest opening and playing with them again, I swear to god I will leave you.
4. I'm thrilled you're reading one of my comic books, but if you bend the cover back I will tear out what's left of my hair.
5. Yes, Thor is a very handsome man. He's also the God of Thunder. Focus.
6. That guy at the comic book store you were making fun of is coming over to dinner. He owns a full run of X-Men. I worship him as a god, stained sweat pants and all.
7. It's Stan Lee. Not Stanley. Lee is his last name. If you remember nothing else, let it be this.
8. I will never go to a Ben Affleck movie with you. And if you have to ask why, I will openly question our love.
9. If I put on a tux and go to your cousin's wedding, you can wear one gold bikini and go with me to comic con.
10. If you don't question my packages from Ebay, I won't say anything about yours from Amazon.

Sent from my iPhone

Six Hilarious Failed Attempts at Religious Toys

Religion can be a hard sell. There's a lot of standing and sitting and standing again, the wine generally sucks, and most of the holidays tend to get scheduled during football. So you can imagine that it's a little extra challenging to get a child excited about it, a creature whose attention can only be focused on repetitive viewings of Dora the Explorer cartoons and who still gets excited about wiping their own ass.

That's why it's understandable when religious leaders might take some, ahem, unorthodox approaches to getting the wee ones hooked on the sweet, sweet high of salvation. And sometimes these approaches work. There's religious-based concerts, comic books, cartoons. All methods used to reach the nation's young with varying success. But nowhere does it go so spectacularly wrong when the religion and toy industry meet in a collision of crazy, tradition, and way too much Manischewitz.

6. The Last Supper Playset

The Description: "The last Supper Building Block Set allows children three and up to build and reenact The Last Supper in their playrooms."

The Failure: Look, I get that the Last Supper is a very important story in the Christian religion, but this fails on just about every level. "Kids, experience the thrill of setting the table. And when you're done, betray them for extra money in your allowance next week."

5. David's Wooden Slingshot

The Description: "David's Wooden Slingshot. 7 1/4” Wooden Sling Shots. Each handle is wrapped in jute with a genuine leather launcher."

The Failure: 
David and Goliath is one of the more badass stories in the Bible and, understandably, there's plenty of action figures to be had out there. But this isn't a toy, it's a weapon. They even wrapped the damn thing in leather so you'd know it'd last. All that's missing is a warning label on the package which reads 'Rocks and eye gauze not included'.

4. Angel Wars Trading Cards

The Description: 
"Angel Wars is a solution to games filled with magic, wizards, and the occult such as Pokemon & Yu-Gi-Oh, For ages 7 and up."

The Failure:
God (ahem) forbid kids play with anything involving magic or cuddly, sexually ambiguous monsters. Here, play this game involving a group of anthropomorphic angels beating the ever loving shit out of each other as they compete for their dad's love. And also the devil is there, too. Yes, much better.

3. Large Shul Religious Building Blocks

The Description: 
"Shul has many benches, a bimah, seforim shank and an aron kodesh with 2 sifrei torah! Set includes special stickers that are reusable. Beautiful step by step instructions are included. Will keep kids entertained for hours on end."

The Failure: 
If benches and instructions are highlighted in your toy's product description, you've done something wrong. This product does nothing to get kids excited to about going to Temple. All it teaches them is that even Legos can be boring if you inject enough religion into it.


2. My Soft Rosh Hashana Set

The Description:

"8 piece velour Rosh Hashana set in a vinyl carrying case. Fun and educational. Includes apple, honey jar, shofar, 2 round challahs, 2 candles in holders, and a Kiddush cup. A full Yom Tov experience!"

The Failure:
Interesting idea. Poor, poor execution. Let's look at what you're giving little Yakov to play with here-- a wine cup, simulated flaming candles, and a Shofar which is a ram's horn, but let's just admit it, looks exactly like a bong.  The set also includes apples and a honey jar-- i.e., the answer to the question 'What else can you make a bong with when you can't find  your pipe?'

And it's not like the kid is going to keep the set together. No, it's going to end up scattered all over his room for the maid to find and wonder just what the hell you're trying to teach your kid.

1. Zions Action Figure

The Description:
"Piece of History studios are proud to present the first “Israeli action figure” ever made: The AustroHungarian journalist and "Visionary of the Jewish State," Theodor Herzl. This 3D action figure is a miniature replica of the famous photograph of Herzl in Basel, Switzerland, 1897."

The Failure:
Their first failure was in their understanding of the word 'action' because an old guy leaning on a fence does not exactly scream breath-taking articulated fun. It also makes me question their understanding of the words 'best seller' and 'proud'.

Just what is a kid supposed to do with this? Lean the figure against more exciting toy sets like his Death Star or GI Joe battleship?

The Five Worst Perfumes Found at the Flea Market (Sampled)

Previously, I ventured to the local flea market in search of craptastic gold. This time, I went back armed only with my wallet, Binaca (did you know they still make this stuff?), and a seven year old girl who gravitates towards shiny objects like Golem at the annual Kay Jewelry half-off sale. Because he liked rings, you see. It's not my best metaphor, I know. Moving on.

After bouncing from various jewelry stalls, we ended up at a surprisingly fancy and well-stocked perfume stand.

Mixed in with the usual expected standards like dusty, long-forgotten bottles of Drakar and Obsession were some truly inspired concoctions of scents that could have only been produced in either an alien world that has only the vaguest notion of what human beings should smell like, a third-world sweatshop, or a meth lab co-located in a botanical garden. And I was determined to sample them all. Here are the worst:

5.  Tweety

I'm not going to mock the Superman perfume. Superman is awesome and you can tell just by looking at the guy that he probably smells awesome too. I'm guessing coconuts with maybe a hint of lilac. No, it was the Tweety perfume that really intrigued him. Birds, even sentient, talking birds, are usually not the sweetest smelling of creatures. They're called fowl, for chrissakes. They poop in mid-flight which, although this is something I can only dream of doing, doesn't exactly lend itself to a night out on the town. 

The description on the bottle

...joyful citruses in top: bergamot, grapefruit, orange and pineapple. A heart awaits us with raspberry, rose, jasmine and water lily, while base notes add patchouli, sandalwood, vetiver and musk.

What it actually smelled like

A hobo who stumbled into a fruit cart. Desperation. 

4. Spongebob

It's right there in the song folks. Spongebob "lives in a pineapple under the sea." What about this says 'alluring scent'? Dead fish and ocean saturated fruit. Yummy. 

The description on the bottle

...flowery, refreshing and a lovely floral with sweet and citrusy fruits.

What it actually smelled like

Surprisingly very similar to the Tweety with just a hint of anxiety. In fact, I suspect they just switched the label. Or it could be that the over-powering scent of eau de diseased bird has overtaken my olfactory senses.  

3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Alright, whoever created this perfume obviously was not at all familiar with the characters. The ninja turtles were normal turtles who became mutated as a result of contact with radioactive sludge. To protect their identity, they live in a hidden lair in the damned sewer with a giant talking rat. This is eau de toilette in the most literal, awful sense of the word. 

The description on the bottle

Musk, Citrus, and Fruity.

What it actually smelled like

Musk is a surprisingly accurate description. Musk, however, is not what you want your child, whom I assume this perfume is targeted at, to smell like. Musky is how you describe the back of a shag-covered van. Or a guy named Vince with his shirt unbuttoned past his ribs. Musky is not how you want to send your daughter to pre-school. That's why you bathe her. 

2. Smurfs

Hopefully, you can see the big blue Smurf bottle in the middle of this picture. At this point, the perfume stall owner caught me snapping a picture with my phone and accused me of working for a rival to steal his prices. Apparently the world of flea market perfume is a cut-throat world filled with espionage, spies, and the constant threat of betrayal.

I guess Smurfs aren't so weird a concept for a child's perfume. They look clean enough even if they live in mushrooms. I've certainly had more than my fair share of Smurfette-related fantasies. But that's not Smurfette on the top of this bottle. It's Brainy Smurf. As in the most annoying, hated Smurf of all, and I'm including Hefty. They could have called Brainy Smurf Cock Block Smurf. Or Never Going to Get Any Smurf. It's not a scent you want on you or your child. That kind of shit doesn't wash off. 

The description on the bottle

A Floral Fruity fragrance for women. The fragrance features apple, mandarin orange, melon, pink jasmine, white lily and iris flower.

What it actually smelled like

Surprisingly not bad. Though I dare you to answer the question, "What is that lovely scent you're wearing?" at a party with a straight face (or any hint of dignity). 

1.  Justin Bieber, "The Key"

It's not a surprise that this is a thing. Every celebrity seems to get their own perfume at some point. Even Paula Dean has a chicken fat flavored cologne. But Justin Fucking Bieber? C'mon. He stopped being interesting or remotely likable three years ago.  I found myself wanting to punch the bottle. 

The description on the bottle

Honestly, I didn't read it. I was dealing with a lot of unexpected anger that this perfume was a thing.

What it actually smelled like

Douchiness. Pure, undiluted douchiness.

I ended up buying my daughter a bottle of Taylor Swift perfume ("surprisingly understated and sweet") just to convince the stall owner I wasn't secretly trying to overthrow his vast perfume empire.  

Ultimately, I left the flea market smelling like a combination of fermented fruit, long illness, and musky failure and yet somehow still feeling like a winner (at least I wasn't the guy who bought the Justin Bieber bottle). 

The Three Most Terrible Things Kids Brought to School for Show and Tell

No, I'm not talking about the countless instances of a child discovering his parent's Rick James-sized stash of cocaine and handing out samples at the local elementary like he was working the deli counter at Wegman's. There's plenty of examples of those to be had in the news:

• http://news.yahoo.com/delaware-mother-charged-daughter-brings-heroin-daycare-073227638.html 
• http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2039507/Child-brings-crack-drugs-tell-school-Missouri.html 
• http://www.theguardian.com/world/2012/apr/11/five-year-old-heroin-school

Nor am I talking about a precocious lad sneaking off to class with his dad's howitzer and causing a building-wide evacuation.

This happens so much that just a search on 'guns' and 'school' caused Google News to shut down for an hour.

If I was a more talented writer I might throw in a poigant comment about how nowhere else is the loss of innocence better exemplified than in these types of stories, where a child innocently happens upon his parents' secret vice and brings it in to literally show off to their friends and teachers. I might say how as parents it is our sacred responsibility to shelter our children from the harsh realities of the adult world and to protect their innocence at all costs, for as long as we can. But I'm not, so heres a video of something called the

Afghan Armpit Song. 

Brilliant. Watch that again if you want. I'll wait. Hopefully by now you've forgotten all bout little Sally essentially drug-muling smack to school in her Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox. Not yet? Do you want a hug? C'mere you. Fair warning--I hug too long and utterly the wrong way.

No, this article is about three absolutely horrific, albeit hilarious, items in which kids have brought (and continue to this day to bring) to school all in the name of one-upping their peers. And I talked to a real-life teacher for this article which brings me one step up the journalistic ladder from 'weirdo in his basement left alone with a

computer' to 'muckracker'. But don't worry, I still typed up the entire thing using only my penis.

The teacher I interviewed for this article wishes to remain anonymous because apparently openly mocking your grade school age children is a thing that is specifically spelled out in the teacher's handbook, and because she wishes to continue to eat Ramen noodles for the foreseeable future. For the sake of this article, we'll call her Mrs. Sugartits because I know she'd hate that.

1. Enough Wild Animals to Start a Zoo

Awwww?

Apparently, even in the fairly large city where Mrs. Sugartits works, wild animals run amok. For show and tell, her students regularly bring in stray dogs, cats, and rats. Which is awesome and hilarious, but not really up to my usual standards. So here's a few other examples I found online:

A Lion Cub

http://www.digitalspy.com/fun/news/a442262/children-bring-in-lion-cub-to-school-show-and-tell.html

So Billy brought his goldfish in last week, huh? Well, fuck Billy. Here's a lion cub I found and nursed back to health with my own blood.

There's only a few places where this kind of thing can occur. In Africa  where, if the Lion King has taught me anything, is where lions live (and sing and betray their distant relatives), and areas near absent-minded circus owners (so Russia).

I love this story so much I want to buy it dinner and tell it how it completes me. I love that the kids found this lion cub and, rather than soiling themselves, immediately thought 'we must share this amazing find with all of

our friends!' I love that no one got hurt which is usually the end product of blissful stupidity and abandoned man killers. And I love that the article sort of hints that this 'aint no thang' in Russia. Which is cool and all but it's not transmit rabies and malaria cool. Which is what this kid attempted to by bringing a live bat to school:

A Rabid Bat: 

http://dailyridge.com/headlines-now/2010/04/19/boy-brings-live-bat-to-school-for-show-and-tell/ 

Do I even have to mention this happened in Florida? Because it did. And though I'm too lazy to Mapquest the city, I'm guessing it was in the northern part because hat's where the real, pun totally intended, batshit activity always happens.

Most of the article focuses on rabies prevention tips which is perfectly understandable because it's not like the bat was a pet in a cage. No, the kid kept it stuffed in his backpack. That is, when he wasn't passing it around for the other kids to pet. Which they did because, well, they're kids.

2. Sex Toys!  Most parents know to lock up their weapons. So why do they think it's okay to leave their vibrators lying around the house like sporting equipment? 

You do not want to see the graphic I had for this. Nor the caption.

According to Mrs. Sugartits, she sees a sex toy at least once a semester. And not like a little purring dildo. We're talking the jackhammer equivalent of the sexual enhancement world. Items with spikes where spikes should not be. Various lubes and edible items that even a goat would turn its nose up at. Pictures. Indecent, horrible, unflattering pictures.

And what do you do when a kid shows up with a ballgag and something called a 'Rotating Pork Sword'? Do you confiscate the item? Um, no, because gross. Do you calmly explain what it actually is? (Hint, it's not a fancy electric toothbrush. Your dad may be a dentist but no one cares THAT much about their teeth?). According to Mrs. Sugartits, "You politely smile, keep the 'tell' portion as short as possible, and call on the kid who brought in the wounded and bleeding raccoon.  I could add a few links to some hilarious stories of preschoolers dragging in something called a sybian to school, but my internet cache is suspect enough.

3. So Many Body Parts

Fortunately, this next entry is more a yearly than a quarterly occurrence, but I contend that any frequency of a child bringing in a severed body part to school is too many.

So apparently the world that we live in--you, me, Gary Busey, that really hot postal worker--is a broken world. A world in which children have frequent access to severed limbs and brains in jars. It's also a world where apparently people nonchalantly go hopping along without reporting the unexpected theft of an appendage.

And what happens when a child discoveres that lonely body part? They pack it up in tinfoil and bring it to school, of course. 

Here's a story where a parent thought it would be cute to drag a severed arm into a room full of kids (it wasn't even his arm for gosh sakes):

http://forums.nyyfans.com/showthread.php/55347-Parent-Brings-Cadaver-Arm-for-Show-and-Tell 

Search around a little while. You'll find similar stories of brains in jars, mummified hands, and what one teacher assumed was a finger, but I'm going to pretend was someone's detachable penis (I'm a huge King Missile fan).

Mrs. Sugartits, who has been in the teaching game for almost a decade, has encountered more than her share of severed limbs because, "Many of the students' parents are doctors." Doesn't really explain a lot though. I work in computers but I don't get to take servers home with me. You'd think a doctor might be under just a little more scrutiny than say, an underpaid office worker.

Still, you've got to enjoy the mental image of a little kid explaining why the severed hand of the prisoner he brought to school is not cursed and most certainly will not crawl across the floor like Thing in the Addams Family while everyone around him loses their shit.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

So the next time show and tell runs around, lock up the pictures of you and your husband in your little Bo Beep outfits. Hide the french ticklers and the wild squirrels. Dispose of your body parts properly. Mrs. Sugartits is waiting for you. And she's judging you. 

Six Medications Explained in Pictures from Famous Movies and TV Shows

Introduction

Just for funsies, sometimes I like to go into my medicine cabinet and peel off the labels from all my prescriptions (and there’s a lot of them—I am just a decaying mess of a human being). This way, the next time I need a pill it’s a total mystery as to whether or not I’m going to feel euphoric, explosive diarretic, or comatose.

This anecdote actually has nothing to do with this article except that it’s also about pills and I like to let people into the darkest rooms of my brain, whether they like it or not.

Don't worry, the inside of my head looks just like the living room from Silver Spoons. 

The Real, Less Horrifying Introduction

Ever get bored and read the fine print on that prescription medication you just picked up from the pharmacist? The list of side effects is inevitably horrifying. For example, dig these possible side effects:

• black, bloody, or tarry stools;
• coughing up blood or vomit that looks like coffee grounds;
• severe nausea, vomiting, or stomach pain;
• fever lasting longer than 3 days;
• swelling, or pain lasting longer than 10 days;

This is not a description of the final days of tuberculosis. These are the side effects from a tiny white pill which, if you’re anything like me, you probably pop like Skittles on a near daily basis—aspirin.

My god, man. Can you imagine if those kinds of side effects came with, I don’t know, a tube of Pringles? Do you think people would still eat them?

 

 Probably, but you wouldn’t be proud of it.

But pharmacy companies regularly get away with this kinds of pants-shitting shenanigans. And why? Is it because that people are willing to trade embarrassing khaki stains if it means relief from sickness? No, it’s because people don’t read fine print.

Reading is hard, you guys.

So I propose that instead of the long, microscopic lists of ways in which the medication you just picked up will turn your poop various shades of the rainbow, that the pharmacy companies go with billboard size pictorial representations of your future side effects.

How would that work, you ask, invisible person inside my head? Just like this.

Six Medications Explained in Pictures from Famous Movies and TV Shows

1.     Adderall

Your eyeballs will dry out like sundried tomatoes. Your sense of focus will rival that of a Jedi, whether you like it or not. You won’t sleep ever again.

2. Prozac

Get ready to put on a warm, fuzzy sweater…on your brain. You’ll be stupidly happy and optimistic and will neither know nor care why. You will have also have the sex drive of the trolley from Make Believe Land.

3.     Ambien

You may not fall asleep but you will look exactly like this (minus Brad Pitt’s movie star good looks)

4.     Viagra

You have never seen a real erection before.

5.     Miralax (Stool Softener)

Just like this only without the gold statue in your hands.

6.  Mucinex (with DXM)

You can fly! You can fly! You can fly! And also, no more coughing, so score!

9 Recent Lego Releases We Could Have Lived Without

Every year Lego releases dozens and dozens of new sets and minifigures designed to inspire children's imagination and push the boundaries of what can be accomplished. 

And sometimes it has the opposite effect. Like an entire Star Wars Death Star which took me 6 weeks to build and robbed me of much of my self-esteem.

But occasionally the Lego designers escape from their  Lego-built prisons and we're left with ideas that could only have come from the Billibund janitorial staff. After a marathon glue-huffing session. Ideas that clearly inspired these:

9. Recycling Truck

The Danish clearly do not understand recycling if they think dead fish warrant separation into the green bins. But all misunderstanding aside, just who is this set designed for? Is there a child out there who really gets excited when it comes time to put his Caprisun in the recycling bin?

8. Sydney Opera House

If I were to draw a Venn diagram with Lego builders on one side and Opera lovers on the other, just how much overlap do you think we'd have? Is, um, a nonemillion a word? So there's that. Let's add to the fact that this build looks more like the Sarlacc monster from Return of the Jedi than any sort of architectural triumph.

7. The United Nations Building

Because nothing says challenging and fun like building a post-war government building dedicated to the worst examples of politics and bureaucracy ever assembled.

6. Lawn Mower

This little polybag set was kept in the little impulse aisles next to the register for the dad who wants to inspire his kid to take over the weekly summer drudgery, I guess, or for kids who live in bubbles who can only dream of complaining about having to do yard work instead of going to the pool.

5. Lego Hot Dog Stand

"Look Mommy! The hot dog stand is here! Can I get one? Can I get one? Pleeeeaaassse," said no kid, ever.

4. Lego Shop Man Mini figure

The moment most kids find out that designing Lego sets is both a thing and something people get paid to do, this quickly makes the shortlist of occupations on career day. But if all your child is aspiring to do is work at the Lego store when he gets older, then he has self-esteem issues and you should take him to a counselor. This is the equivalent of dreaming of working in a rock quarry over say becoming a geologist. Now don't get me wrong. I would love to work in the Lego store today, but I'm an adult and my dreams have been appropriately aligned/shattered. 

3. Stephanie's Soccer Practice

The title of this set is 'Stephanie's Soccer Practice." Not 'Soccer Championship' or 'The Big Game'. It's a girl, with a ball, some misshapen goal posts and a damned dog with a bow on his head. Something tells me this ragtag group of individuals are not going to be turning professional.

2. Lego Welder Minifigure

I spent the last twenty minutes trying to come up with a play scenario involving plastic bricks and a tiny welder. I failed. When I asked my son to do something interesting with this minifigure, he threw it across the room and told me to pick it up. Touche, Alex. Touche.

1. Lego Mechanic Minifigure

That's not a member of the Village People above. It's how the folks in Denmark imagine American mechanics look-- a cross between 1970's gay fashion, a Devo hat, and skinhead wear. Pray your car never breaks down in Europe.