Slutty Costumes Gone Wrong: Part 2

In this article, I continue my exploration of costumes that took the whole 'slutty' thing too far. Way too far.


10. Slutty Zombie Girl Scout

Broowwwwnniiieeees. 

The juxtaposition of zombies and girl scouts isn't even the most disturbing part of this costume.

Girl scouts present a major problem for the adult male. Their outfit combines everything we love about the Catholic school girl (tight skirt, leggings, button down shirt) with a fresh and Stewardess-like clean uniform (i.e., mile high fantasy). And they show up at your door at night offering you cookies. The fact that the girl with the box of cookies is exactly that, just a girl, is difficult for us to process after all the other intangibles. The male mind, you see, is pretty dumb. It might be a twelve year old trying to force an extra box of thin mints on you, but our brains have already stuffed Megan Fox into the outfit and tied up that shirt into a Daisy Duke like knot. But all of this is unspoken, you see. We just channel our unwholesome energy instead into devouring a case of Samoas and checking out the den mother idling in the bushes just to make sure you donít try to grab anything besides empty calories. But this costume says, no fuck that. Girl Scouts are hot. 12 year old girls are hot. And you know what else is hot? Necrophilia, so let's make her a fucking zombie, too!

The closest you'll come to matching the awkwardness produced by this costume is going to lunch with your uncle with the enormous goiter on his neck that is never talked about and having him suddenly take off his shirt and give you a lap dance.

9. Slutty Buzz Lightyear

"To infinity and..." Oh, I see what you did there. 

Maybe the producers of this slutty, screen printed mini-skirt parading as a Halloween costume didn't see any of the Toy Story films, but they're about childhood, and innocence, and holding on to that innocence for as long as you can. Letting a kid see you in this dress would be a sure-fire way to have child protective services at your door for corrupting a minor.

I do like the way the marketing department said screw it and focused right in on the model's breasts. There's no accessories for this spaceman costume, no helmet, or boots, or laser-- just synthetic fabric and a pair of tightly wrapped boobs.

8. Slutty Minion

I've never seen the movie! 

You may not have seen Despicable Me, but odds are you've encountered the minions- gibbering anthropomorphic blobs beating the silly out of each other. They're shapeless, inhuman messes that somehow manage to amuse both children and adults. What they're not is near-sighted street walkers in knee highs. And why is the model striking a Charlie's Angels gun pose? Are there deleted scenes to the movie that I somehow missed involving a plot where the minions strap up like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator and go apeshit on their creator? Or is she just sending a warning to prospective pimps that this minion works solo?


7. Slutty Monsters, inc.

If only this is what the monster in my closet really looked like. 

You'd think designing a Sully costume from the movie Monsters, Inc. would be a no-brainer. Mask, fuzzy body costume, and tail. That's it. He's a lovable, cartoon monster who most likely participated in threesomes with Sweetums as his tag team partner.

But that was after hours and off camera. That's his time. 

What the makers went with instead...a hoodie, mini-skirt, hot pink leggings, and fuzzy leg warmers borrowed from Angel Vanessa in the movie Spies Like Us.

I will not ruin this image with a caption.

What bothers me about this costume isn't just that it's turning a beloved icon into a go-go dancer in Tim Burton's version of Moulin Rouge. It's the natural assumption on the costume maker's part that no woman would want to drape herself head to toe in plush (thereby hiding her goodies) and look like a walking version of a Build-a-Bear. That's an experience nobody should be denied.


6. Slutty My Little Pony

If you squeeze her, rainbows come out of her boobs. 

I suspect that this costume is what produced the entire Brony movement. This is an outfit that would get you elected homecoming queen at the annual Brony Prom (for all the sad bronies who weren't invited to their own; i.e., all of them), and for that reason alone it should have you running over to check out the vampire costumes instead.

5. Slutty Snow White

I'm not even going to bother pointing out the Eve/Apple references here. 

There are plenty of slutty princess costumes to be had, but this is by far the worst. Let's not forget that the movie's main character spends a good portion of the film knocked unconscious while a parade of dwarves, animals, and a strapping young man service her. The film was a few beers away from becoming a porno anyway so we certainly don't need to throw in a corset and ruffles. And this was all licensed by Disney. If wearing this costume isn't an invitation for someone to slip a few ruphies into the bobbing for applies bucket, I don't know what is.


4. Slutty Sock Monkey 

I finally get the whole Plushie fetish. 

Allow me to quote some testicle shriveling lines from the Wikipedia entry on Sock Monkeys," The sock monkey's most direct predecessors originated in the Victorian era, when the craze for imitation stuffed animals swept from Europe into North America and met the burgeoning Arts and Crafts Movement." And, "A sock monkey is a toy made from socks fashioned in the likeness of a monkey."

Socks? Victorian Era? Arts and Crafts? Monkeys? If this sounds like the recipe for a Caligula-like orgy, then I shudder to think what you've been doing to yourself while reading this article.

A sock monkey is meant to be dragged by its tail by a drooling three year old, not plowed in the coat closet while Monster Mash blares out of an 8-track tape in some guy named Dan's basement.

The costume is basically a nightshirt and a hat. Whether you wear underwear is apparently up to you.


3. Slutty Strawberry Shortcake

There's two versions to choose from- skanky or Niki Minaj. 

My daughter loves Strawberry Shortcake. And look, now I do, too! The main problem with a costume like this is, after viewing it, I can no longer play dolls with my kid or walk past a bowl of fruit salad without wanting to dry hump the floor. This is a costume guaranteed to confuse both child (who's seeing a full-size whorey version of their beloved toy come to life) and adult (who is seeing a full-size whorey version of their darkest fantasy).

If your daughter sees this costume, be prepared to  answer the question, "Daddy, why is Strawberry bouncing up and down on that man's lap?"



2. Slutty Where's Waldo

I can tell you where Waldo isn't. He's not at my house and he's definitely not getting any candy. 

Apparently the makers of this costume were terribly unsuccessful at spotting Waldo in the children's book series and thought, "You know what might help? If Waldo had huge, half-exposed jug buckets!" In this outfit, the only people who are going to spot Waldo are prospective Johns and undercover law enforcement.

1. Slutty Tic Tac Toe 

Tic-Tac-oh-oh-oh! 

There are few activities less ball-tingling than playing tic tac toe. Writing a grocery list, maybe. Removing gunk from your eye, perhaps. It's a game that adorns every single kid's menu across the United States. It's actually a law that it appears there. There is nothing less titillating than this game which is used primarily to entertain kids before the french fries show up or as confidence-boosting exercises on long car trips. Introducing a woman in a short skirt with an O prominently displayed on her love mound makes the game creepy and unsettling. It'd be like having your dentist perform a root canal on you while wearing a G-string. Having your barber trim your sideburns with nipple clamps on. 

There are some worlds that were just never meant to interresect.  

Jamie Wasserman kicks the dictionary's ass in his book Bud the Crud.

17 Slutty Halloween Costumes Gone Wrong (Part 1)

Let me first say that I am a big fan of the whole slutty costume genre. The slutty nurse, librarian, angel, heck, even the nun. I'm even willing to overlook the slutty vampire and slutty zombie because undead cleavage is still cleavage and needs love, too.

It's an easy formula. Hot woman + low cut shirt + high cut skirt = awesome. And let's throw in a couple of male fantasy figures (e.g., the Catholic schoolgirl, the airline stewardess, the fast food fry chef. OK, the last one might just be me.) as the cherry on what's already a fucking awesome ice cream sunday.

But occassionally costume makers try to think outside the box, which is a mistake. The box is awesome. The box has perky, wenched up boobs and underwear slips. The box should never, ever be tampered with. Because when you  do, you wind up with boner-crushing results like these:

17. Slutty Big Bird

Can you tell me how to get some candy?

That's right. Big... Fucking... Bird. An androgynous, schizophrenic yellow bird who terrorizes children on Sesame Street with visions of an invisible, talking wooly mammoth.

Let's set the record straight-- aside from Mr. Cooper, there is nothing on Sesame Street even remotely sexy.

And the man just can't help it. He oozes sex from his pores.

I mean how can you look at this costume without flashing back to kindergarten when you were only just beginning to question the nature of Bert and Ernie's relationship. It was a simpler time when your life centered around chocolate milk, playground swings, and Saturday morning cartoons. Nothing should sully that.

And what's more, the good folks at Seasame Street should have know better than to have signed off on this officially licensed costume. I mean have they learned nothing from Kevin Clash? Start introducing sex onto Sesame Street and before you know it, the Muppets will get in on the act, too. I mean, can you just imagine, a slutty Kermit the Frog?

16. Slutty Kermit the Frog

I just died a little inside.

There are so many things wrong with this outfit, I don't even know where to begin. For one, this isn't even a costume. Somebody took the slutty ballerina outfit, dyed it green, and put a picture of Kermit on the shirt. Second, they named  it 'Sassy Kermit the Frog'. Third, IT'S A FUCKING BLONDE BIMBO IN A KERMIT COSTUME. I could see doing this with Miss Piggy. Maybe. She always seemed pretty loose. But don't mess with the man who sang Rainbow Connect. Just. Don't.


15. Sexy Boba Fett
Let's pretend that the last three Star Wars movies didn't happen. Boba Fett is not a whiny adolescent clone with an Oedipal compelx. It's 1977 and he is mysterious, silent, and has a goddamn jetpack on his back. Like all the time. Even when he showers. The man is ready to be awesome at a moment's notice.

He had like five seconds of screen time in the original films and still managed to be one of the most talked about characters. And this is a movie with more cultural icons in it than Betty Ford. He was the tits, is what I'm saying. Well, not literally of course.

I stand corrected.

This costume manages to be lame on so many levels that it makes you forget that what you're essentially looking at is a Catholic School Girl outfit (complete with leggings). The makers thought fuck the jetback, fuck the badass battle worn helmet, and fuck the cock-sized pistol...she can just stand there and point her finger in the air and look all cute. Well fuck you, no she can't. The only thing this bitch can bob for at my party is the door.

Oh well, at least they didn't ruin Darth Vader.

14. Slutty Darth Vader

Sorta puts a new spin on the line, 'Use the force.'

Sigh. And they didn't even include the fucking mask. You could wear a pair of black pants and a black sweatshirt and you're just a pervert in the bushes. But put on a Darth Vader mask and suddenly you're the baddest person in the whole universe. Shit, you wouldn't even have to wear pants. The mask is what makes Darth Vader Darth Vader. But this craptastic costume is just a patterned miniskirt and a sad looking light saber that, I'm sorry, we all know is just a penis.

13. Slutty Clockwork Orange

You don't want to know what she does with the cane.

Oh come on! Did you even see the movie, costume makers? Fuck, all you had to watch was the first five seconds when the main character says, "This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence." That's the whole goddamn movie. Violence. And something about society and youth and the establishment and, I don't know, utopia and whatnot. But mostly it's about violence. Women get raped, a drunk gets beaten, and a guy gets his head crushed with a gigantic cock statue. Does that sound even remotely sexy to you? If you got an erection anywhere during this movie, you're a psychopath. Go get yourself tested. And the costume makers, in their enormous wisdom, made two sluttified version of this outfit-- one with shit-kicking knee high combat boots which I guess is part of foreplay wherever these were made.

Why stop there? If we're going to tart up violent characters from iconic movies, why not just make a slutty Leatherface?

12. Slutty Leatherface

In my head, I've re-inserted this Leatherface into all the movies. This actually improves the 3-D one.

Leatherface is the main baddie in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a movie so violent it was banned in numerous countries and significant portions of the film had to be trimmed just to earn an R-rating. Leatherface is a hulking, chainsaw wielding apparition in an apron covered with blood stains from his numerous victims. And oh yeah, he's got a mask made from human skin.

Some costume maker must have watched this movie and thought, damn Leatherface, why don't you take off that mask and let's get freaky? The result is an outfit consisting of a torn tunic, thigh high hooker boots, and a rubber chainsaw. No mask. No apron. Not even a damned name tag. So ladies be prepared to answer this question all night, "So what are you dressed as?" (to be followed by "Want to playing bobbing for cock?"

11. Slutty Jason and Slutty Freddy

And Camp Crystal Lake was booked solid for years to come...

And while we're at it, let's ruin a few other horror movies...Jason and Freddy are the now iconic ghouls behind the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th films; two franchises which have spawned 2385 sequels combined. Their garishly deformed and brutalized faces appear on everything from action figures to kids lunch boxes. But there was a time when these guys were responsible for 98% of the nightmares in America. They were unstoppable aberration; impossible killing machines that ran on screams and fear-pee. And now they're tarts in miniskirts. At least they gave the Jason costume the iconic hockey mask. Of course she can't put it on because it won't fit over her enormous hair and it might ruin her lipstick, but the costume makers at least made some effort here. Freddy's deformed face, on the other hand, is understandably missing--it's hard to be pretty when you look like a burn victim. And isn't that what Halloween is really all about?

10.  Slutty Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The turtles are muck-dwelling, glorified lizards who were exposed to toxic waste and turned into mutant killing machines by a 6 foot rat. Are you as turned on as I am right now?

I found seven versions of this costume. Seven. And I'm sure there's more. Besides the requisite short skirt and titty squeezing top, want to know what they all have in common? Not one of them features a fucking turtle mask. Wearing a green outfit does not make you a turtle in the same way that driving a Porsche does not make your cock any bigger.

And just for the record, the subject of nuclear waste has not raised a single trouser tent anywhere. Not even in fan fiction, and those freaks jack off to Harry Potter.


Tomorrow: 1-10. If you want to see the second half of this article alive, go and buy my Bud the Crud. 

The Ten Types of People You Encounter at Kids Sports Games

I spend a significant amount of time at gymnastics classes, soccer practices, recitals, rehearsals and, on several occasions, several underground fight clubs geared towards elementary age combatants. When I'm not being constantly disappointed at the unreasonable expectations Hollywood sets for soccer moms, I spend my time people watching. And without fail, at every one of these events, I seem to encounter the same people over and over again. Like...


10. The Sideline Coach

Nice shot, dickhead. No dinner tonight. Dinner is for winners.

This guy thinks he's Gene Hackman in Hoosiers, alternately yelling motivating and demoralizing comments from the sideline. Generally, all he does is confuse the kids or destroy their faith in humanity. Still, he's not as bad as...


9. The talker

If I have to hear about her colonoscopy again, I will drive this plane straight into the ocean.

This person isn't there to root on their kid, rather she (and it's always a she) is in attendance to share horrific and embarrassing stories of her life (usually medical in nature). You can try and tune her out, but she also feels the need to talk at a level that could be heard by the pilot of the 747 flying overhead.

8. The magician

They prescribe to the Kaiser Soze school of parenting.

The magician arrives, drops off their kids, and aren't seen again until the ref blows the final whistle. In a way, I admire their impeccable timing.

7. The fan

I don't even care who wins!

This guy really, really loves the sport. A little too much. If it's a soccer game, he's got vuvuzela in one hand and a giant foam finger in the other. If it's football, he's painted his face. He may or may not have a kid on the field.

6. The blind man
This guy is watching the game, it's just not the one everyone else is. He sees fouls where they don't exist and possesses an understanding of the rules that can only be described as functionally retarded. This horrific blind spot for the rules of logic are centered largely around the grassy space inhabited by his child.

That man was clearly off-sides. We should be awarded a free throw and a penalty kick.

5. The foreigner

You can call me a racist prick for saying this, but I've got experience on my side. At every event I run into a family from some unidentified country who use their kid's game to perform some mundane yet wholly inappropriate event like, and once again this is directly from experience, folding laundry, styling their hair, or bicycle repair.

4. The former athlete
For some reason, this guy is always next to me. He used to play the game. He could've gone pro, but then he had kids and well, you know how it is. He alternates between telling me how he would have handled each play, how dumb the coach is, or just how raw a deal he got from settling down and having children.

He also looks like this.

3. The old woman in the shoe

Honestly? I'm just happy to be out of the shoe.

This person doesn't give two fucks about the current population explosion we're experiencing and has 16 children, all of whom are running up and down the sideline (and on occasion across the field). What's more, she also appears to be deaf, blind and dumb because she doesn't discipline her charming brood once.

2. The eater
This person appears to have brought snacks for the entire team after the game, but you are incorrect. Those are for him/her. Do not get between them and the snack bar and do not casually reach for their feedbag for a nibble of Doritos. You will lose that finger. There may be some overlap here between him and the athlete.

Snackbar closes in five minutes? Out of my way bitches!

1. The sarcastic bastard
This jaded sonuvabitch takes delight from mocking others. He craves love and acceptance and mocks others to feel better about himself.

 Hey, wait a minute!

Jamie Wasserman takes delight in mocking others. He's also written a book about tolerance and accepting called Bud the Crud. Buy it or I will show up at a game near you. 

Bud the Crud Giveaway!

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Bud the Crud and the Vampire-Werewolf Wars #1

by Jamie Wasserman

Giveaway ends November 07, 2013.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads.

Enter to win

Five Terrible Assumptions We Make While Driving

I love driving. The freedom of the open road, the wind in my few remaining hairs, the power that can only come from a 2004 Toyota Highlander running on two cylinders. What I don't love are the other people and cars which, as you can imagine, significantly hampers my ability to enjoy blasting Winger power ballads while trying to catch air on my street's speed bumps.

I hope this song never ends!

The sad thing is that the road could be a much happier place if we just got over these terrible, terrible assumptions:

5. You are the Man of Steel! 
And by that, we seem to assume that both us and our car are completely indestructible (and, if you're like me, you're also wearing blue tights and underwear outside our clothes). I'm going to leave the slideshow of car accident aftermaths and the subsequent emotional scarring to your driving instructor, but the results of a collision are never pretty. Even low speed wrecks can deliver terrible, terrible damage as cars seemed to have been designed to fall apart at the slightest provocation (as my sideview mirrors will clearly attest to). And yet we drive like we've gotten behind the wheel of a Sherman tank with a Get Out of Jail pass from death itself.

Way better than any golden ticket.

Car accidents kill more people than guns. I could be making that up, but it sounds plausible. And if more people at least considered the potential danger resulting from, say, using the breakdown lane to pass a schoolbus, the road would be a safer place.

And all the school crossing guards could finally retire.

 

4. There is a medal for finishing first

Humans have a natural need to compete. You see it in sports, in academics, in sex...

He won again!

The same thing happens when we're on the road. God forbid a car should even think about passing me. The moment he gets even with me, I gun it and take off in a blaze of glory, motor oil, and a strange odor coming off my engine block that makes me very, very light-headed. There's actually a few assumptions going on that we (and by we I mean me) need to get past--1) that the jackhole in the Mini Cooper is going to the same place as me 2) That if he arrives before me, not only will he receive a huge trophy and a kiss from a girl with everything but her nipples on display, 3) but he will also get the last [fill in the blank; e.g., parking space, six-pack of Mountain Dew, DVD copy of Son-in-Law, etc.]. Laws of probability aside, the odds of ending up in the same spot as a douche-bag in a Hummer with racing stripes are slim to none and even if you do, there'll be plenty of medals and topless women to go around.

As a follow-up to this rule, try to remember you are not flying the Millennium Falcon. Even if you're driving a Lambo you cannot pull off the kessel run in 12 parsecs. Speeding like a madman is not going to get you to your destination all that sooner.

 

3. The speed you are going is the optimal speed everyone should be driving

I'm going to borrow a line from George Carlin here, "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" We curse at people going slow in the left lane and flick off people swerving dangerously to get around us.

And if that guy with the black and white car and flashing lights doesn't get off our ass, we just might run him off the road!

The fact is that on the road everyone has their own agenda and that, unfortunately, includes only the barest mention of actually driving. Bottom-line--if someone wants to go faster, get out of the way. And if three people pass you, you're in the wrong lane.

 

2. Other people are robots sent from the future

And by this, I mean we seem to assume that people are completely sentient with a clear mission involving some kind of evil purpose. Which of course they're not. People are stupid. We can't focus on more than two tasks at a time and even then the results are going to be sketchy at best.

I came here to chew gum and kick a-- wait a minute, what was I just saying?

And yet when someone suddenly hits their brakes on the highway, we assume it's directed at us, rather than as a direct result of dropping their cell phone while playing Candy Crush. This can be extended to everything from parking their car over the line, failing to signal, or turning on their washer fluid while we drive behind them. People just don't think like that. At least the non-psychopaths don't. So it may not make you feel any better, but the reason that guy just mooned you wasn't because you threw a lit cigarette in his window, it's just because his ass is on fire.

 

1.  No one is watching

What is it about getting behind the wheel of a car that we suddenly feel invisible? Like we stop being man and become machine in some twisted amalgamation of Voltron and Bumblebee from the Transformers.

Inside is a little man tugging on his chain like there's no tomorrow.

You're surrounded by windows people. If you're not interested in becoming the butt of someone's potentially viral photograph titled 'Guy Elbow Deep Up His Left Nostril' then try to remember that. This also goes for eating, shaving, masturbating, getting head, smoking a joint, dancing, and cutting yourself. You know who you are.

 

So remember wake up, get over yourself, and follow these simple rules while driving. Or at least get the hell out of my way!

 

Jamie Wasserman's road rage is channeled into his writing. Read all the bitterness here.

The 5 Worst Things Found in Kids' Meals

Toys and fast food. These are sacred things to kids and they spent exactly 50% of their childhood begging for one or the other. That's why the kids meal is the ultimate prize for children everywhere. There is something magical about the combination of grease and imported Chinese plastic that sends kids' pleasure-centers into overload. The food doesn't even have to taste good as long as its fried. And the toys, well hell, kids hear 'free toy' and you could give them a bag of glass to play with and they'd be happy. I mean short of giving away an animal corpse, you could get away with just about anything as a kids meal giveaway...

5. Whale Corpse
In order to promote 'Big Miracle', a feel-good movie about the rescue of three whales stuck in ice, Burger King produced a glow in the dark whale corpse complete with removable skeleton (so you can hang it from your ceiling and pretend you're in the Smithsonian).

Free Willie! Never mind, too late.

Because nothing screams childhood and playability like the combination of bloated corpses and skeletonized animals. Or maybe this was just the result of a bet between two Burger King execs trying to prove that a child will play with anything if 'we just make it glow in the dark'.

4. Hygiene Products
Some kids meal toys aren't content at providing five solid minutes of playability. Some want to be playable AND educational, too. ChikFila has taken this to heart with a series of kids' books and other toys that belong more in the school supply aisle than in a bag of grease. Fortunately, you can trade those books in for an ice cream so it's not a completely lost cause.

This next 'toy', produced by the good folks at White Castle, said screw playability, screw educational value and, while we're at it, screw the kids, too.

What do children hate doing more than anything (after homework, hugging Grandma, and cleaning the chimney, of course)? Washing and brushing their teeth. You'd think I was sending my kids to a Russian Gulag every time I made them take a bath. So what better way to remind children that life's unpleasantries await you at every turn, even in a so-called 'happy' meal, than by including hygienic products like soap, toothpaste, and a fucking sponge.  Unless his name is Bob, a sponge has no business being packaged next to food. And even then it's suspect.

And if that weren't horrifying enough, White Castle put MC Hammer's face on these items. Why? Because fuck you, that's why.

If you don't floss, he will come.

3. Swastika Tattoos
This next giveaway comes from Europe because of course it does...

Kids love temporary tattoos. They stick that shit everywhere. And parents everywhere happily apply warm water and apply these harmless little stickers  to their children's arms never realizing that they're only preparing their kid for a life of piercings and body modification.

Temporary tattoos was this guy's gateway drug.

So a restaurant in Sweden called Frasses thought sure, tattoos are cool. But you know what else is cool? Fascism and genocide! How can we combine these wonderful things?

And this was the result:

Sandwiched between awesome pictures of scorpions is a swatsika like a Hitler-inspired game of Where's Waldo?

Parents became alerted to the sneaky surprise when their children goose-stepped their way to the ball pit and forcibly marched the janitor out the door.

2. Marijuana
In lieu of the standard happy meal toy, a child in Michigan found a bong thoughtfully stuffed with Kind Bud nestled between his fries and lumps of processed chicken.

Ironically, it was the healthiest and most natural thing in the box.

In fact, the only thing that stops this from being number one on the list, is the fact that the employee who inadvertently gave away his weed and prized bong failed to also include a lighter.

1. Condoms
The Hamburglar has done more to promote safe sex than Nancy Reagan. In fact just a quick Google search of McDonald's and Condoms is enough to prove to you that the fast food giant cares almost as much about the prevention of STD's as they do for nutritional value.

"Rabble, rabble," apparently means 'Stop the spread of herpes!'

Here's just a few links:
- http://www.today.com/id/30561605/ns/today-today_news/t/girl-allegedly-finds-condom-happy-meal/
- http://www.ibtimes.com/toddler-ate-used-condom-mcdonalds-play-area-anishi-spencer-says-lawsuit-not-so-happy-meal-1127059
- http://metro.co.uk/2007/04/26/happy-meal-comes-with-condom-304326/

There's more, but I'm going to lunch soon and didn't want to spoil my appetite.

Odd that all these condoms somehow made their way into a child's hands. Some might hint at a conspiracy, but I believe that Ronald just really, really cares about children. Preventing them, that is. 



Jamie Wasserman is the author of Bud the Crud. Buy a copy now and receive a free condom.