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Wednesday, October 15, 2014

4 Hilarious Side-Effects of Common Medications

Think of the most innocuous, harmless medication you can.  Did you say Aspirin? You should have said Aspirin.  I'm going to pretend you said Aspirin.

Good.  You and I are as one.  Now read the potential side effects printed in 4pt font and invisible ink on the side of the bottle:

  • black, bloody, or tarry stools
  • coughing up blood or vomit that looks like coffee grounds
  • severe nausea, vomiting, or stomach pain
  • fever lasting longer than 3 days
  • swelling, or pain lasting longer than 10 days
  • hearing problems, ringing in your ears
Less serious side effects may include:
  • upset stomach, heartburn
  • drowsiness
  • headache

I'm sorry, 'headache'?  One of the side-effects of Aspirin is 'headache'?  That is literally the only reason to take Aspirin. You certainly can't crush it up and snort it for a cheap high (trust me).  Bloody stools, fine.  But headache?  Shame on you anonymous pill-makers.

"I didn't know."

At any rate, the point is even the most harmless, every-day pill represents a virtual mine-field of unintended, often awful, sometimes even crippling side-effects.  But occasionally, just occasionally, they are also wildly hilarious.

Like these. That's where I was going with this whole lead-in.

4. Viagra

Viagra is of course the drug used by porn stars and geriatrics alike in order to raise the flag over Monterey one more time...
"What a magnificent erection."
"That's a flag."

Boners. They're for getting boners. But apparently as Viagra pushes all that blood around in your body from one head to another, some unintended consequences occasionally occur.  Things like blue vision.

No, not blurry vision.  Blue vision.  As in the color blue.  That's right, the drug used most often to relieve blue balls can also create blue vision.  Needless to say, Viagra runs away with the award for  most ironic side-effect.

3. Dyrenium
And while your vision is already blue, you may as well pop the high blood pressure medication Dyrenium, because that shit is going to turn your pee pee a nice royal azure color as well.  I had a wonderful Smurf joke here.  It was tasteful and understated and did not at all imply that the drug made it look like you had blown way too many Smurfs while cosplaying at Comic-Con.

Smurf cosplay is totally thing. You probably thought I was making that up.

2. Mirapex 
Mirapex is used to treat the decidedly unfunny Parkinson's disease by raising the level of dopamine in the brain (something Parkinson's sufferers sorely lack). What was the effect of all that added dopamine, you ask?  God, you get me.  You know just what I want exactly when I want it.

Alcoholism.  Gambling.  Food binges.  Shopping Sprees.  And lots and lots of fucking.  Basically, if you had a minor interest in shoes before you started the Mirapex, you turned into Imelda Fucking Marcos.  If you liked to smoke a pipe on occasion and wear a bath robe, you became Hugh Hefner. Dopamine basically opened the flood gate of normal with a battering ram and screamed, 'Let the flood waters of crazy rise! I have no fucks left to give!'

There's crazy and then there's 'down Niagra Falls in a metal penis crazy'.

1. Propecia
Propecia is the main ingredient in Rogaine and is technically used to treat male pattern baldness but is really only successful in separating sad lonely men from their money (with a 100% rating!).  Along with the unfortunate side effects of brokeness and funny smelling scalps,  Propecia has also been known to grow boobs.  On men.  Big, milk-producing mammaries.  So yeah, you took Rogaine
to boost your confidence, maybe pick up some ladies. Turns out all it did was turn you into one.

On the plus side, look at that magnificent hairline.

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