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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The Top Five Most Inapporpriate Lego Minifigures

The Top Five Most Inappropriate Lego Minifigures

Write what you know, the old adage goes. Sadly, as I've gotten older, my wheelhouse has shrunk from at least a passing knowledge of fine literature, philosophy, and cheap wine to Legos, American Girl, and good places to cry while at work (First floor men's room, by the gym. For some reason, it's like 95 degrees in there, always empty and smells like lilacs. You can turn off the lights, cram yourself under the sink, and settle in for a nice bout of self-pity and loathing).

All is not lost though. My toy knowledge is enough to make me the hit of any 8-year old birthday party. And getting to play with toys in a non-creepy context (with one's own children), is a great way to reconnect with your own youth and the kind of wreckless, f-the world abandon that only people whose soft spot just closed up can experience. It's fun and innocent and pure. Except when it isn't. Then it's awkward, inappropriate and unsettling in a way that only a serial-killing janitor working at an elementary school can convey. Like in these examples.

Top 5 Most Inappropriate Lego Minifigures

If you grew up in the 70's or 80's, odds are you had at least a few Lego sets in your room. And by in your room I mean scattered across the floor like barbwire for your feet. And maybe you even remember these guys:



Or if you were that rich kid with the swimming pool and the seemingly endless supply of Izod shirts, you probably had a few of these as well.

Aargh! We're made of plastic and seem non-threatening. But when you’re not looking we’re going to rape your sister’s Barbie doll and plunder your dad’s coin jar.


And that was about it. The little Lego minifigure had two facial expressions (happy and constipated) and about four outfits to choose from- cop, astronaut, pirate, and knight.

They made these guys look like United Colors of Benneton.

But nowadays, the Lego minifigure has evolved into an art form.

Don't even bother trying to look up her skirt. It's solid plastic.

And just like any art form, the bounds of good taste, common sense, and human decency often get pushed beyond reason (and sometimes bound up, gagged, and left for dead in an abandoned field).

Just like this but with less urine.

So without further ado, I bring you the five most inappropriate incarnations of the beloved 1-inch plastic figure who's been dry humping bricks in your bedroom since 1976.

5. Slave Leia

Not pictured: Chain accessory (seriously) and my raging hard-on

I didn't want to include anything from Star Wars here because 1) a few years back I had a two hour argument with my wife over whether it was approrpriate to show the original trilogy to my then five-year old son ("There's fucking Ewoks in there!" was apparently not a cogent argument for allowing him to) and 2) This particular figure stirs up some, um, special  memories for me. Boner related memories. In fact, all you have to do is just say 'Princess Leia in the gold bikini' and you can raise a trouser tent on anyone over 35. Fuck viagra. But here she is anyway. Just sitting there looking all coy and whatnot.

"Daddy."

And can you just imagine what happened when Jabba took her prisoner and started coming at her with that giant tongue of his.

"Hey, Daddy."

There's got to be some internet fan-fiction about that. I can't be the only one who's thought of that. And if not, I'm going to write it, by god. It'll be my Moby Dick.

"DAD!"

Not now son. Daddy's thinking about something.

Pictured Above: Actual glimpse inside my brain
(and the greatest photograph ever to not win a Pulitzer Prize).


4. "German" Soldiers

They can sieg heil with the best of them.

That's what Lego calls these seemingly harmless little army men from their Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark series. German soldiers? You don't mean...?

Yup, Fucking Nah-zis

Maybe you don't remember Raiders of the Lost Ark. Maybe you just got out of a third world prison where the only thing shown on television was sheep herding and Antiques Roadshow. But those 'German' soldiers I mentioned...those are Nazis. As in Jewish-killing machines of hatred and goosestepping, knitted together from burlap, fascism and nightmares. And did I mention I'm Jewish? Not like Orthodox Jewish. I eat pork. I'm actually eating some right now. But still I'm not so leninent in my beliefs that I think buying my son a toy representing the fucking third-reich is a good idea.

I ask you, is there anything more unsettling than watching your Jewish son splayed out on the floor with a handful of 'german soldiers', making pew-pewing sounds (because all guns become lasers in the hands of a child), at a group of helpless and unarmed minifigures (i.e., Jewish refugees). Besides getting a colonscopy performed by Freddie Krueger, I sure as shit can't think of any.


3. Zombie
This one seems harmless enough. I mean, zombies are everywhere now. In kids cartoons, video games, books, etc. All that's missing is a breakfast cereal.


I stand corrected.

But having a little zombie to play with resulted in a very awkward conversation with my son. Kids have a natural ability to deconstruct things very fast (i.e., their bullshit detectors are very finely tuned). So our discussion, upon him opening up a minifigure pack and finding this figure went like this:

"Dad what's a zombie?"
"It's uh, a monster."
"Yeah, but what kind of monster?"
"Like a slow one."
"Does he eat people?"
"Um..."
"He looks dead."
"Uh...dead?"
"What happens when you die?"

<Mind you, I was trying to beat Candy Crush level 65 at this point. I was not prepared for a deep-seated philosophical discussion with a 7-year old about the ramifications of death. And also my tongue had inflated to twice its natural size and could be used as a flotation device>.

"Great Grandpa's dead, right? Is he going to come back?"
"Let's just put this back in the pack, okay?"

The Lego people went to great detail on this figure, putting our zombie in a ripped suit, just like the one we buried great grandpa in, and giving him a chicken bone to munch on (because apparently, this is a vegetarian zombie, though it still creates the problem that he would have had to rip it off a live chicken. I mean, can you imagine the plastic carnage?). Nevermind, it's still not as bad as...



2. Hazmat Guy

Because nothing says fun like cleaning up toxic waste. Notice the sweat on the guy's forehead? Shit, this guy is worried! Everybody run!

This was another one that seems pretty inocuous on the surface but became more troubling for the conversation it created. I'll spare you the blow by blow, but what started as a simple discussion about Mr. Hazmat guy's job description became a full blown discussion on global warming, the environment, recycling, depletion of natural resources, and worldwide planet extinction.
We're all going to die! Wait, what happens when you die...?

1. Oola

Fuck, I put Star Wars on here twice. Don't tell my wife.


In case you don't remember Oola, she appears for about 10 seconds in Return of the Jedi. Just long enough to entice an entire generation of future nerds with their first glimpse of side boobage (and for many, their only. Thank god for the pause button). Her outfit is knitted together (barely) from mesh and chains and bare skin and boners--something which would be perfectly acceptable at any fetish club, but not so much in your children's SpongeBob themed bedroom.


Even these guys wouldn't have her.

She's also a minor character in every sense of the world. She dances, tugs on her chain, and then thrusts herself down the gullet of the nearest Sarlacc monster (presumably to get away from Jabba's ginormous tongue). Does she deserve her own Lego minifigure? Hell no. A life-sized, anatomical doll? Abso-fucking-lutely. In fact, here's my bank card. Just take what you need.

Notice the detail, too, on this minifigure. After asking themselves if it was really necessary to make a toy of an actress who does nothing but dance suggesstively, dress sluttily, and die horribly (the answer was of course a resounding 'Fuck Yeah!'), Lego then asked themselves, shouldn't we church this completely pointless minifigure up a bit for the kiddies? You can guess the answer to that one. Notice the bare boobs drawn underneath the outfit? Yeah, that just happened. And your son is playing with him right now. You're just going to have to wait your turn.

You're welcome.


When Jamie Wasserman is not crying on bathroom floors or playing with Lego, he writes books. His newest is called Bud the Crud and unlike these minifigures, it's perfectly safe for the child in your life.