10 Things My Wife Should Know

An open letter to my wife. The next time we have an argument, please keep these simple rules in mind. It will save us both a lot of time and shouting.

These are for you in advance, honey.

10. I wasn't ignoring you, I simply wasn't paying attention.


9. Yes there is a difference. I don't pay attention to anyone, why should you be any different?

8. If you don't want me to fix your problems, keep them to yourself. I don't ask you for sympathy when I break the mower. I simply hide the flowers and glass and call the repairman.

7. I do appreciate what you do around the house. I just don't say anything in the same way you don't rip off my clothes and jump me every pay day.

6. The traditional format for a story is beginning, middle, and end. A lot of your stories seem to be stuck in the author's foreword. Nobody reads those for a reason. Get to the point.

5. I secretly suspect that you carefully choose your friends based on how much they will annoy me.

4. You are not allowed to be mad at me for 1) snoring, 2) kissing someone else in your dream, or breaking your favorite dish, in the same way I promise not to get mad at you for 1) Watching Magic Mike or Top Gun for the 1000th time, 2) sharing the most intimate aspects of our relationship with your best friend (who I can't stand), or 3)throwing away my favorite t-shirt because it was "full of holes".

3. Yes, I am that dumb. No, I do not deserve you. And no, I don't know why you're so upset. Please just tell me.

2. If you and my mother could ever agree, I would be completely screwed.

1. And finally, please understand that you are the reason I get out of bed in the morning and the reason I rush home at night. I love you, even if I don't say it often enough.

Top 10 Most Horrendously Awesome Flea Market Finds

I'm very fortunate to live a mere 15 minutes from a place that would rival the Star Wars Cantina for seediness, rough trade, and random acts of violence. I'm speaking of course about my local flea market. And today, I gave up the first quarter of what has been the beginning of yet another heart-wrenching season of football, for a quick jaunt past the massage parlor, bail bondsman, and police station to scour the aisles for the best junk and bootlegs money (and black market babies) can buy. 

10. Outlaw T-shirts

If you were in a scavenger hunt and you needed a Pancho Villa t-shirt to win, now you'd know where to go. This might, in fact, be the only place on earth where you can get shirts of the famous outlaw. Also available were Che Guevara and Emiliano Zapata, but this was the only one with a horse so it gets the win. For an extra $5, the vendor will bedazzle the shit out of it.

9. Guilt Trip Toys

This Barbie knock-off features a selection of outfits that would make Paris Hilton jealous. Made in China, because of course it was, it features the unfortunately appropriate broken attempt at English phrasing, "The Best Gilt for You." That is, buy these for your daughter or suffer years of guilt, resentment, and spite.

8. (Mad) Doctor Playset

This is an innocuous enough toy. A typical piece of hazardous plastic packaged around the theme of socially acceptable sexual activity for children--playing doctor. But look a little closer at the accessories included:

There's two canisters of unknown origin, a weird mushroom thing, and a computer spinning a DNA helix across the screen. Fuck. This isn't a doctor's kit (at least there's nothing like this at my HMO). These are the tools of some crazed scientist experimenting with gene splicing. If they had only paired this with a Swamp Monster type action figure, this would be the perfect toy.

Also, this kit includes real pills and yet still brazenly contains the choking hazard warning on the back.  

7. Too Much Information Underwear

In case you can't read the writing on this pair of panties, it says "Hot Lips". Thank god, there's a picture of actual lips on there otherwise we'd have the most open admission of STD's ever. If only that German au pair you met during the summer had picked up a pair, maybe it wouldn't still burn ever time you pee.

6.  Video Game Roulette

On the surface, this is just one of countless knock-off video game consoles being pumped out of China. But look at the box contents that are listed on the front, "Video game console, second console, Toy Gun." That gun is just a gun--it has nothing to do with the game system. Unless, of course, you count pumping a few rounds into Jimmy's ass for beating you for the hundredth time in "Supre Marvio Siblings."

5. Chickens

Is this even legal? This guy shows up every week peddling an assortment of domestic and exotic birds. Including one particularly grating parrot that I swear calls me a jerk-off every time I walk by. 

4. Hooker Club

I apologize for the blurry picture, but I had to snap it on the run. The guy selling it was twice my height and four times my weight and I make it a personal practice of mine not to bug people who sell knives, machetes, and num chuks for a living (it's worked well for me so far). This piece, however, was special. In case you can't tell, it's a staff with a nasty looking metal skull on the end. The staff is too short to be a cane, and the skull is too big to be anything but a brutal instrument of pain. In fact just about the only acceptable use for this thing would be beating a mouthy hooker who isn't bringing in enough money.

3. Police Brutality Playset

Just when you think the Chinese don't have a good understanding of American culture, they go and export something like this little treasure to us. The name of this kit is called, "Police Force" and you get the distinct impression they're using the word 'force' in its most violent sense. This toy includes a sawed off pump shotgun, a snub-nosed pistol, a serrated knife with built in brass knuckles, a baton, and a grenade. The inclusion of two badges is supposed to make the implied brutality okay, I suppose.

2. Killer Transforming Thomas

My kid goes apeshit over Thomas. And when he gets a hold of the iPad when we're not paying attention, he immediately kicks his feet up and chills to some highly inappropriate 80's Transformers cartoons on Netflix. If he could have a wet dream, this terrifying metal monstrosity would probably figure prominently. It's Thomas! It's a giant transforming robot! It's all nightmare. Like Thomas wasn't creepy enough, now we've given him the muscle to finally tell Sir Topham Hat to go to hell and the means to send him there. All that's missing is a gun, but you can always borrow one from the Police set.

1. Gay Cowboy Wear

There's only one place you can wear these boots-- Brokeback Mountain. And the hat is just...wow. Spangles, spangles, spangles. This is how Dorothy would have accessorized in the gay porn version of the Wizard of Oz. And you know what? She'd look awesome. 

Your Mother is a Liar!

Don't take it personally. All mothers are liars. And I'm not just talking about perfectly acceptable lies like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny being real or that mommy and daddy were only checking each other for ticks. 

"No ticks on you. Now you check me. Oh, hi honey!"

I'm talking about some major health-related tales of garbage that mothers have been spoon-feeding their offspring ever since the Ingalls moved on to the prairie. That really happened, right? 

Lies like these:

1. Put on a jacket or you're going to catch a cold.
This lie was a little more forgivable a few hundred years ago when we didn't understand about germs or the importance of washing our hands or routinely applying hand sanitizer every five seconds. The truth is that the only thing cold is responsible for is teeth chattering and shrinkage. Two serious issues in their own right, but at least you won't get the sniffles. 

I take hygiene very seriously.

2. You have to wait to go swimming for at least an hour after eating. 
According to my mother, if you eat and then go swimming, your body will immediately seize up into a full body cramp and you will plunge into the depths of the ocean never to be seen or heard from again. The presumption apparently being that the combination of food and water are some kind of lethal cramp-inducing cocktail. But the truth is to the body, swimming is no different than say running or a vigorous masturbation session.  And you're much more likely to cramp up while tugging your gerkin than you are doggy paddling across the shallow end. 

A moment later his body seized up and he died instantly. 

3. Don't eat any sugar or you'll get hyper. 
Moms have a clever way of making getting hyper seem as disastrous as say losing your arm in a thresher or coming down with syphilis. And sugar is the gateway drug to hyper-town. Except it's not. Seriously. Google it. There's been a kagillion studies that show that sugar doesn't cause anything but tooth decay. Now when that sugar is accompanied by caffeine, like in every awesome soda ever, then you've got a problem. But if you come home and find your kid free-basing from the sugar bowl, don't freak out. Take a deep breath. It's going to be okay.

Trick or treat, mister! I'm jonsing for a Snickers.

4. Put on a hat!
This is one of my favorites. According to my mom, you can leave the house completely naked during a blizzard as long as you're wearing a hat. The assumption here that almost all of your body heat escapes through the head. But if this were the case, we wouldn't need hot plates. We could just fry up whatever we needed on our steaming noggins. Heat escapes from any uncovered body part. Why right now, you could roast chestnuts on my junk. 

Above: Visual representation only of my testicles. 

Four Animal Myths We All Believe

History isn't the only subject we routinely get wrong. When we're not outright making up lies about who did what to whom, we're completely misunderstanding our aquatic, furry, and crap-dropping animal breathern. Just like in these cases:


4. BABY BIRDS

The Myth: If you see a baby bird on the ground, do not, under any circumstance, pick it up and place it back in the nest or the mother will detect your scent and disown that bird faster than George Zimmerman's parents.

The Truth: While anyone who has seen Juraissac Park knows, it's never advisable to pick up a baby animal of any species, picking up birds for fear of dropping your musk all over the infant should not be one of your concerns. This may come as a complete surprise, but most birds have a very limited sense of smell.

Think about it. Have you ever seen a bird blow its nose?

Most birds, in fact, rely on keen eyesight. Which is why the only concern you should have if you try to play St. Frances of Assissi with a feathered rat with wings is not whether the mother will smell you, but if she sees you.

Birds don't like that.

3. DUCKS

The Myth: Everybody knows three things about ducks: 1) They look adorable in shirts, but terrible in pants, 2) They can't walk backwards, and 3) Their quack does not produce an echo.

The Truth:
Well, I'm afraid only one of these true. And it looks like this:

Freaking adorable.

Walking backwards is not a terribly vital skill for a duck to have what with spending a good portion of their time swimming or flying, but if you were to say corner a duck in a narrow hallway with a low ceiling, you'd see that delicious fowl back-pedaling more than Marc Weiner. And you'd also have too much time on your hands.

As far as the other myth, a duck's quack does produce an echo, though it's difficult for the human ear to pick up-- similar to the way we can't detect high-pitched frequencies (e.g., a dog whistle or a woman complaining). 


2, BATS

The Myth- Lacking sight, or possessing the myopic equivalent of Mr. Magoo, bats rely on sonar (echolocation) to guide them.

The Truth: Those eye holes aren't just for decoration. And while many bats use echolocation as their primary sense for sight, all bats have sight.

Except this Bat.

On top of that, while all bats can see, not all bats have that built-in GPS we just naturally assume is a given. These bats actualy have better night vision than Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. So while the phrase 'blind as a bat' has actually no basis in fact, bats are indeed clinically insane, so you can still get your fill with 'batshit crazy'.


1. GOLDFISH

The Myth: Goldfish are the best secret-keepers in the animal kingdom, mostly because they only have a five second memory.

The Truth: While fish are as stupid as they are delicious, the myth about their notoriously geriatric memory is absolutely false--the result, most likely, of a couple of ichthyologists playing a drunken game of 'Your momma'.  

Goldfish actually can retain information for several months which, coincidentally, is about the average lifespan in my daughter's tank. So think twice before you go tapping on the bowl or throwing cheetos into the water. Fish remember that shit. And they carry a grudge too.

Four Historical Myths We All Believe (and Why)

Most people would be shocked to learn that what they know about history is based less on carefully researched fact and old records and more on poor research, bigotry, and the historical equivalent of a game of 'telephone' as these examples clearly point out.

1. The Myth- When ancient Romans weren't engaging in orgies, man-boy love, or perfecting the toga, they were participating in group vomiting sessions in buildings specially designed for the experience called vomitoriums.

The Truth- I'll borrow from the the Wiki entry here. A vomitorium is "A passage located behind a tier of seats in an amphitheater used as an exit for the crowds."  You can pretty much find modern day versions of 'vomitoriums' in every stadium in the country. And although millions of drunken fans stumble through this area to the bathrooms to puke, that's where the relationship ends.

 

How hot is that?

Why We Believe it- The movie Caligula. And anything on HBO these days. And it's just a lot of fun to believe that the society that preceded us was comprised of a bunch of hedonistic savages wearing robes.

Just imagine an entire world populated by Hugh Hefner.

2. The Myth- George Washington, the father of our country and enemy to cherry trees everywhere, wore wooden teeth.

The Truth- Washington did indeed wear dentures, but there was about as much wood in them as Chaz Bono has in his pants. His teeth were actually made from a combination of gold, hippopotamus ivory, lead, and human and animal teeth making George the dopest leader of a nation.

Pictured Above: The First Bling

Why We Believe It- That stupid cherry tree again. It brings one urban legend full circle, from the fictitious portrayal of the President as a boy cutting down a tree to wearing teeth made out of wood later in life. Also, how much more folksy and down to earth can you get? We like to believe Washington was a common man, the salt of the earth, who was similar to all Americans at the time--hard-working, honest, and simple; the polar opposite of those entitled, tax-assigning Brits. The notion of Washington grinning gold just doesn't gel with what we want to believe.

3. The Myth- Napoleon Bonaparte was a little man. They even named a damned complex after him.

 And later Randy Newman gave us license to hate all short people.

The Truth- He was 5 feet 7 inches, not exactly a midget even by today's standards, but back then, Napoleon was taller than his average countryman.

Why We Believe It- Well, his nickname was the little emperor, but that was more of a sign of affection back then. And plus Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is the closest to historical study many of us will ever get. Plus, it's fun to think of Napoleon marauding across a countryside on a comically huge horse, conquering nations just to prove he can measure up. Even today, when we see a guy in a large car we just know he's compensating for something. The truth is just that Napoleon liked conquering. And those pictures of him holding his stomach are exaggerated, too. His hand was actually tucked inside of his fly.

This man is playing with his balls.

4. The Myth- In the middle ages, people said 'ye' instead of 'the'.

 

And Renaissance festivals were never the same.

The Truth- At some point a lazy historian confused the middle ages character thorn (þ) in abbreviations of the word "the", which in Middle English texts looked just like a y. What does this mean? Someone, somewhere was too lazy to look up a word and the rest of us were too lazy to verify it.

Why We Believe it- It's quaint, isn't it? And it gels with what we think of old timey people what with their forsooths and perchances and what not.

YouTube Confessions

So earlier today I watched the video about the self-serving schmuck who confessed to drunk driving and killing a 61 year old man. Go ahead and watch it and try not to hate the human race.

Or, just for fun, count the amount of times Matthew Cordle (the aforementioned schmuck) uses the word 'I'. 

We're supposed to feel sorry for this idiot, I suppose, but I can't help but feel that he's just milking the world for attention and empathy. And I'm absolutely certain that there'll be a book deal waiting for this jackass when he gets out. Because our world rewards poor behavior as long as it's packaged in an entertaining way. 

Anyway, I thought about another YouTube video about a teen who inadvertently admitted to assault and robbery, and a Catholic priest who pretty much confessed that 'yeah, we might've been playing a little fast and loose' with the actual day of the Sabbath.' Which of course got my brain going about stupid confessions people make in their desperation for attention so I spent a few hours on YouTube looking for some gems. 

The choices boiled down to the following:

1. Pretty girls who admit they're depressed (and that depression is usually caused by mean YouTubers)

2. Pretty girls who used to be skanks but now want to confess how much they love Jesus

3. Gay people coming out

4. Suicidal teens laying it all on the line 

5. Lunatics who want to take credit for World War II

6. Horrible accusations disguised as confessions. If you believe these people, there are some horrible mothers out there. 

And you want to know what all these videos they all have in common? They were depressing as hell. Was it Emerson who said most men live lives of quiet desperation (I could verify that but I don't want to open up another tab on my browser)? Well, the internet has pretty much removed that quiet part while, sadly, doing nothing about the desperation. Misery is yours at the touch of a button in a hundred different flavors. 

Calling these people out seemed suddenly cruel. And what's more I also realized that a blog, the very definition of desperation for attention, is a terrible place to call other people out. So I hit like on all the videos I saw, deleted my article which wasn't even amusing to me, and am now polishing off the Bailey's-- an action whose irony is not lost on me. But I'm not going to drive. And I will not post any drunk confessions later.

Instead of another crappy, hateful blog entry, I'm going to go do some work I need to get caught up on, play with my kids, and go to bed early. Maybe it'll be a better place in the morning.

Slutty Costumes Gone Wrong: Part 2

In this article, I continue my exploration of costumes that took the whole 'slutty' thing too far. Way too far.


10. Slutty Zombie Girl Scout

Broowwwwnniiieeees. 

The juxtaposition of zombies and girl scouts isn't even the most disturbing part of this costume.

Girl scouts present a major problem for the adult male. Their outfit combines everything we love about the Catholic school girl (tight skirt, leggings, button down shirt) with a fresh and Stewardess-like clean uniform (i.e., mile high fantasy). And they show up at your door at night offering you cookies. The fact that the girl with the box of cookies is exactly that, just a girl, is difficult for us to process after all the other intangibles. The male mind, you see, is pretty dumb. It might be a twelve year old trying to force an extra box of thin mints on you, but our brains have already stuffed Megan Fox into the outfit and tied up that shirt into a Daisy Duke like knot. But all of this is unspoken, you see. We just channel our unwholesome energy instead into devouring a case of Samoas and checking out the den mother idling in the bushes just to make sure you donít try to grab anything besides empty calories. But this costume says, no fuck that. Girl Scouts are hot. 12 year old girls are hot. And you know what else is hot? Necrophilia, so let's make her a fucking zombie, too!

The closest you'll come to matching the awkwardness produced by this costume is going to lunch with your uncle with the enormous goiter on his neck that is never talked about and having him suddenly take off his shirt and give you a lap dance.

9. Slutty Buzz Lightyear

"To infinity and..." Oh, I see what you did there. 

Maybe the producers of this slutty, screen printed mini-skirt parading as a Halloween costume didn't see any of the Toy Story films, but they're about childhood, and innocence, and holding on to that innocence for as long as you can. Letting a kid see you in this dress would be a sure-fire way to have child protective services at your door for corrupting a minor.

I do like the way the marketing department said screw it and focused right in on the model's breasts. There's no accessories for this spaceman costume, no helmet, or boots, or laser-- just synthetic fabric and a pair of tightly wrapped boobs.

8. Slutty Minion

I've never seen the movie! 

You may not have seen Despicable Me, but odds are you've encountered the minions- gibbering anthropomorphic blobs beating the silly out of each other. They're shapeless, inhuman messes that somehow manage to amuse both children and adults. What they're not is near-sighted street walkers in knee highs. And why is the model striking a Charlie's Angels gun pose? Are there deleted scenes to the movie that I somehow missed involving a plot where the minions strap up like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator and go apeshit on their creator? Or is she just sending a warning to prospective pimps that this minion works solo?


7. Slutty Monsters, inc.

If only this is what the monster in my closet really looked like. 

You'd think designing a Sully costume from the movie Monsters, Inc. would be a no-brainer. Mask, fuzzy body costume, and tail. That's it. He's a lovable, cartoon monster who most likely participated in threesomes with Sweetums as his tag team partner.

But that was after hours and off camera. That's his time. 

What the makers went with instead...a hoodie, mini-skirt, hot pink leggings, and fuzzy leg warmers borrowed from Angel Vanessa in the movie Spies Like Us.

I will not ruin this image with a caption.

What bothers me about this costume isn't just that it's turning a beloved icon into a go-go dancer in Tim Burton's version of Moulin Rouge. It's the natural assumption on the costume maker's part that no woman would want to drape herself head to toe in plush (thereby hiding her goodies) and look like a walking version of a Build-a-Bear. That's an experience nobody should be denied.


6. Slutty My Little Pony

If you squeeze her, rainbows come out of her boobs. 

I suspect that this costume is what produced the entire Brony movement. This is an outfit that would get you elected homecoming queen at the annual Brony Prom (for all the sad bronies who weren't invited to their own; i.e., all of them), and for that reason alone it should have you running over to check out the vampire costumes instead.

5. Slutty Snow White

I'm not even going to bother pointing out the Eve/Apple references here. 

There are plenty of slutty princess costumes to be had, but this is by far the worst. Let's not forget that the movie's main character spends a good portion of the film knocked unconscious while a parade of dwarves, animals, and a strapping young man service her. The film was a few beers away from becoming a porno anyway so we certainly don't need to throw in a corset and ruffles. And this was all licensed by Disney. If wearing this costume isn't an invitation for someone to slip a few ruphies into the bobbing for applies bucket, I don't know what is.


4. Slutty Sock Monkey 

I finally get the whole Plushie fetish. 

Allow me to quote some testicle shriveling lines from the Wikipedia entry on Sock Monkeys," The sock monkey's most direct predecessors originated in the Victorian era, when the craze for imitation stuffed animals swept from Europe into North America and met the burgeoning Arts and Crafts Movement." And, "A sock monkey is a toy made from socks fashioned in the likeness of a monkey."

Socks? Victorian Era? Arts and Crafts? Monkeys? If this sounds like the recipe for a Caligula-like orgy, then I shudder to think what you've been doing to yourself while reading this article.

A sock monkey is meant to be dragged by its tail by a drooling three year old, not plowed in the coat closet while Monster Mash blares out of an 8-track tape in some guy named Dan's basement.

The costume is basically a nightshirt and a hat. Whether you wear underwear is apparently up to you.


3. Slutty Strawberry Shortcake

There's two versions to choose from- skanky or Niki Minaj. 

My daughter loves Strawberry Shortcake. And look, now I do, too! The main problem with a costume like this is, after viewing it, I can no longer play dolls with my kid or walk past a bowl of fruit salad without wanting to dry hump the floor. This is a costume guaranteed to confuse both child (who's seeing a full-size whorey version of their beloved toy come to life) and adult (who is seeing a full-size whorey version of their darkest fantasy).

If your daughter sees this costume, be prepared to  answer the question, "Daddy, why is Strawberry bouncing up and down on that man's lap?"



2. Slutty Where's Waldo

I can tell you where Waldo isn't. He's not at my house and he's definitely not getting any candy. 

Apparently the makers of this costume were terribly unsuccessful at spotting Waldo in the children's book series and thought, "You know what might help? If Waldo had huge, half-exposed jug buckets!" In this outfit, the only people who are going to spot Waldo are prospective Johns and undercover law enforcement.

1. Slutty Tic Tac Toe 

Tic-Tac-oh-oh-oh! 

There are few activities less ball-tingling than playing tic tac toe. Writing a grocery list, maybe. Removing gunk from your eye, perhaps. It's a game that adorns every single kid's menu across the United States. It's actually a law that it appears there. There is nothing less titillating than this game which is used primarily to entertain kids before the french fries show up or as confidence-boosting exercises on long car trips. Introducing a woman in a short skirt with an O prominently displayed on her love mound makes the game creepy and unsettling. It'd be like having your dentist perform a root canal on you while wearing a G-string. Having your barber trim your sideburns with nipple clamps on. 

There are some worlds that were just never meant to interresect.  

Jamie Wasserman kicks the dictionary's ass in his book Bud the Crud.